The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 20

It’s the Long Ride to Winnipeg. We are nothing but ourselves. Zasta in balance. Fighting his own quiet battles that he wants us to presume he’s winning. Alex, simmering. Finally living with direction. It’s fitting that it’s to the East that we are now falling. Jon content in his square meter of humanity. The only one I know who is like this. He tells me with a smile that his mind plays tricks. I have a feeling it does – but what is there can’t be read so easily.

Their are no private moments any longer. All time is a shared relationship. You can be found. You will be found. You cannot be anonymous anymore. I cannot hide. Not from my behavior, not from my past, not from my name. I cannot have a secret or a moment to myself. Just my jealousy talking, but I wish you were here. I want a moment alone with you that no one knows about. Just you and me. We can shout about it later.

-Sigh-

We get into Winnipeg after a few stops for coffee and giving a sticker or two to cute gas station girls.

We check into the Greenwood Inn on Wellington ave, near the airport. What a great Hotel. One of the nicest yet. Ritzy – as they say. In the lobby I notice that there are five weddings happening. It’s filled with hot looking girls wearing dressy dresses. They all think they’re their favorite movie stars. All the guys look uncomfortable in their suits. Rather be hunting or fixing something. Ever look at your girl’s eyes shithead. She’s fucking amazing. Assholes, all of us.

We’re hungry so we go around the corner to Grapes. A resto that me and my brother and my friends that all grew up here used to go to – except ours was on Main street and had too many spoken dreams that never happened – except for me. I did what I said. I’m still doing what I said. (I hate everything right now). But my salad is good. And the waitress is hot – as usual. They were hot when I was a fucking idiot of a teenager too. Now that I’m just a fucking idiot their’s no difference.

Juice calls and lets us now their’s a show on that we should go to. Meet some people. I don’t want to go. I never want to go…

Psychotic Episode #6 (for Tara)

The points of light below me, tracing some brail that I can’t read because I feel nothing but alone. Plate glass holds me from suicide. I’m so high above the street. Without you. I just simply watch this hive. I stand with a Jack, no ice. Straight – I call it. I drink too much. I know. But at the end of all this, the richness of this moment matches the soft ambience of this penthouse, matches the taste of my drink. Here I feel a connection to these lights. I’ve lost all connection to all the other lights of my life so these ones on the other side of the glass and so far below me are all I have left. And now Blackout! How about that? The whole fucking city goes dark.

End Psychotic Episode #6

We get ready to go out. The Banyion takes us into the city and parks herself on River ave near the place called the Cavern Pub.

Their’s lots of people there. I walk in and Juice and Tara spot me. Ahhhh! Yay! Hugs. Tara is always a sight for sore eyes. She’s special to all of us – she lived through Calgary 2008 with us and that’s that.

But me – aw, you’ve just got to put up with me until I leave – And I’m going to leave pretty damn quickly because I’m watching everyone wasted, falling down drunk. I’m in a rage. The Devil has nothing on me. He’s a pansy. A sissy. I want to rip someone apart. The devil owes me.

I’m introduced to many people. Everyone seems to like me. Stop it! Why don’t they stop it! Leave me alone. I’m introduced to a very nice girl named Kristina and her best friend Caroline. Caroline’s eyes stop me raging. Is a moment like that private? In the middle of a crowd – silence for one second. But then it all crashes in. And I’ve got to get out of there…

I’m outside ready to walk up the stairs – and Tom (Get to the choppa!) our go-to guy, comes in! I love seeing this guy! He should have come with us on the tour. He’s crucial for a fucked up time.

I take him into the club and I get pulled into conversations and exaggerations and flirtations. Her smile goes from strange to familiar quickly. I have to leave.

I walk up the stairs and go grab a coffee down the street. I meet a very petite and wayyyyy too tired Argentinean woman asking me which Starbucks coffee I’d like and that she’s acting happy and energetic but the fact is she usually is the one telling actors what to do because she’s studying to become a film director and is moving to California or something… I like her black curly hair and accent. I leave with a wave and head to the Banyion. And their is the traffic guy calling the tow-truck. He gives me a 34 dollar ticket and says that the tow-truck was going to be there in 5 min. Hmmm. I feel that my fucking issues with hyper-awareness might not be so bad – I saved the Banyion from a night in solitary – a night without us.

Awww fuck! I forgot to tell The Gods that I’m leaving. I think Alex has his stuff. He wants a bed at the Zoo – tired of the cot or sleeping with Zasta or Jon. Don’t blame him at all.

I walk in. “There you are!” about 14 people say to me. I have to leave. I’m followed by Tom and Caroline and Kristina. Smokers.

Caroline is a very beautiful, blue eyed French girl. She talks like she’s in a movie. She doesn’t know that but she does. Some Bardot flick where everyone is glamorous and actually say “Ha, ha, ha!” to the sky. Anyway, we talk. I calm down. She works at a Spa/Salon, cats, dogs, Winnipeg, I’m from here, remember? We lived almost across the street from each other. Went to the same 7/11. I hated it here my whole life. I don’t hate it so much now.

See, no private moments. No secrets. I can’t have those. A connection that calmed me. Brought me back to myself. She calls me by my name. Not Schrecker.

We move over to the Zoo. I see my friend Laura, hot little Laura from last time. This time she’s hurt. Her moment is secret tho. She tells me what the problem is and I give her a hug. I don’t like seeing my friends hurting but she’s in her life.

I follow everyone inside and that’s it. I don’t want to be there anymore. Caroline is leaving too. I walk her to her car and she drives me to the Banyion.

I go back to the room and psychotic things are coming true. I open the curtains and I see lights from buildings on the other side of the window pain. I feel totally alone and totally on top of the world. I am in the richest moment I’ve ever lived through – and I’ve lived through so many, baby. You know I have. But this moment is ALL MINE! And their’s no one with me to share it. No one person to tell any secret to.

I think I fall asleep but I may have died, finally and after all.

Somewhat Related Entries

• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 21
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 17
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 22
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 6
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 5