The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 15

I’m a failure and a chump. I try my best to fuck it up. All the time. The only positive thing I have to say about this is I’m aware of my behavior and I’m starting to recognize the patterns. But doing something about it… That’s a different story.

I miss my home. It’s been a long time since I have ever said that – in fact – I’ve never said that before and meant it so much. I wake up and it’s about 12:30 pm. I hate the feeling of a wasted day. But I’ve had no choice. With what went down yesterday night and the drive to Edmonton, I’m done. What I need is a good stiff drink of Jack.

I get out of bed and I work.

I go down to the pool/waterslide/spa and take a dip. Not for very long though. I feel severed from life. And it’s not better as one hang up after another doesn’t have the result I’m looking for. It just casts me out into rougher and rougher seas.

There isn’t much I can do to make myself more of an easy target. I’m reckless. Far too reckless now. I can’t imagine that I’m safe from my inner fucker.

And I’m giving too much away. It’s clear. One brutal dial tone after another. In spite and in malice. Can’t you see I’m trying? Can’t you see this?

I call the club. The guy doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about and then he says if we were told that we were playing then that’s cool, it’s completely possible. He says if we want we can show up at around 7:30. Cool. Time for another quick swim.

We’re all very ubby today. Living too fast, these last few days I suppose.

We swim. Shower and get ready. Laura the clerk (a sweet farm-girl who’s built like a shit brick house!) is looking amazing with her new hair cut. We chat and then the rest of the Gods come down. We have a band.

I climb into the Banyion and turn the key. Their are lights. Strong ones. But the engine will NOT turn over! The Banyion is throwing a spoiled girlie fit because we haven’t given her the TLC she wants lately.

We try everything. Nothing. It will not turn over. We’re fucked. In my head I’m thinking starter. I remember that smell of burning plastic a little while ago. Could be serious – serious means expensive. Not good. I call CAA and they send a truck to boost the beast. Nothing. Silence in the furnace.

We call the club to tell them the problem. We ask if they could send a cargo van. The plan is we’d transfer the gear over and we’d go and play. The club starts to make calls looking for a truck. We are in truck land here. But we can’t use a pick-up. We need our stuff to be safe. We ask if there’s any PR done or if anyone is there. It’s just our friends we made at LeDuc. We’ll that’s a start – we want to play.
We all agree this is one of those things that a band MUST go through. The engine trouble that causes us to miss a gig. Damn, it sounds a lot better than it feels. We are just standing around in our stage gear itching to play (see vid).

We decide to go out for a drink at Moxie’s. We go in and say hello to everyone. All happy. Charlie, Holly and Cokey from LeDuc show up. They’re upset that we can’t play. Holly – thin, hot in heels, with a killer ass turns out to also be a mechanic! She tells me that she’s sure it’s the ignition but she doesn’t have the right tools. She says it’ll be intermittent until we fix it. We add even more people (Renatta, Pam, Jillian and Hayley) to our entourage and we walk over to Earl’s across the street.

A psychological devastating night for me. I feel drunk, dirty and lost. I feel like it’s 10 years ago. I feel like I’m finished. I feel like it’s just the beginning and hell is closer then heaven. I FEEL like this. But it isn’t like this. Here is what I’ve been looking for! I can feel like this as long as I KNOW reality isn’t like this. I’m fine. It’s not the end of the world yet and I’m still kicking ass. Somehow.

My eyes close with three faces looking down at me. I wonder if I could ever make them proud.

Good night.