The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 12

I wake up on the cot. It’s not that the weight of the world comes crashing into me or anything, it’s just I feel I must align my Karma or something. Do some good somewhere to alleviate this fragility of my psyche. I’ll be good today. I’ll use all the tools I have at my disposal from my therapies. But I know thinking about it and doing it are two different things.

I look at the time. It’s almost 9 and the wake up call. I check my email. My friend Joe Malozzi who is a producer and head writer for Stargate Altantis has invited TGON down to the set for a tour and to meet some of the actors.

I get up, go down stairs and look for a pay phone. There are no payphones in these Western Provinces! Why? Anyway, I walk to the next hotel over and give Joe a call. He’s in meetings all morning so he says we can drop by after 1 pm. That’s more than fine as we can get some food. We also need to replace a snare skin that Zasta didn’t realize he had broken at the LeDuc gig.

I pack up and say “We’ve got 40 min guys. Let’s go”. I hear Zasta say something. He’s tired. He almost went to bed as late as I did. He may be cranky. I’m not quite sure what it was he said but I sort of took it personally although I didn’t say anything. I kick myself for taking it personally. I’m stronger than this. If he’s cranky, this has nothing to do with me. I say I’m going to put my stuff in the Banyion and then I’ll be in the restaurant having a coffee. Which I did.

I’m sitting there thinking of sensuality, sexuality and women. I’m such a fucking animal. For all my enlightened thoughts and motivated awareness. I’m just a dildo with legs! The woman serving me keeps on coming around and asking if I want more coffee. I don’t. I pay and leave after a brief conversation about finding trouble. It was weird.

I see Zasta and I give him the keys to put his stuff in the Banyion and I check out. The sweet little trainee clerk did a great job and looked super cute to boot.

I walk out and see Alex and Jon. I say “Let’s go for food.”

We get in and we find ourselves looking for a breakfast place in Vancouver. I know that Granville Island has restos and cafes so I think this would be a good place. They’ll eat and I won’t (I’m not hungry). I’ll change the strings on my guitar.

I was wrong. But not that there weren’t restos and cafes. But Zasta was not in the mood for walking to look for any place. And that’s perfectly fine. So was his comments out loud about this. I tried to let it go. But I felt that old situational self-esteem thing hit me again. No. I’ll be okay with this. I’ll recognize that this is his issue not mine. I’m not here to make him happy. Just to find him food… He makes another comment.

And once again I take it personally. But this time I shatter. I can’t deal. I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to take care of anyone. The whole thing falls like a house of cards. I try to gulp for air. Anything. I need anything to show me softness or care. The only thing I can remember is that if you can’t win a fight then you have to walk away. There will be no winners here if I stay. So I say, “Okay, you know what. I’m not eating.” I say it too harshly but I’m really holding myself back. In the past I’ve let entire projects fall to nothing because I give in to this mode of thinking. The Gods Of Now are too important and this situation isn’t. I’m not going to do it now. “You guys find your own place. I’ll be back at the van!” I stomp away like a psycho-idiot. So I got to sort of maybe, a little use some of a little bit of the tools I’ve been learning in my therapies. I’m a stupid fuck.

I turn a few corners and I find the very breakfast place that we were all looking for. Irony. Don’t you just love it! I grab a coffee from the hot Latina (who doesn’t love a hot Spanish girl?!) and I sit outside and change the strings. It’s nice and peaceful. But I don’t calm down. My thoughts are going too fast.

Done the string change and I finish my coffee. Most of the girls in Vancouver aren’t aggressive I find. They look at the ground a lot. Very few smiled at me and when you say hello it’s a rare thing to get a “hi” back. This isn’t the case in the other parts of the country. This isn’t the case in Montreal where the daughters of Venus live.

Anywayz. I put the guitar back in the Banyion and I go and send some mail. I come back and they’re there. I’m not talking. If I talk it’s not going to do anyone any good. I have to let this pass. They ate. But I feel it’s my fault that it wasn’t what they wanted. It isn’t. I know. They can take care of themselves. But I feel like I’ve let them down. That fucking cable last night. Goddamn it.

It’s one thing to recognize what you are, it’s another thing to do something about it – if you want to.

I keep my mouth shut and the Banyion is quiet but for the roar of the beasts engine. There’s tension. We’re on our way to the Stargate Studio. I’ve been talking about heading there all morning long. It’s the plan. I’ve said it again and again. We are right around the corner looking for the building – I’ve said the addy over and over. And then I hear Zasta say, “Are we actually going anywhere at all right now?” Oh fuck…

What’s going on in my head.

Why? Why? Why? Do you ask this? Do I give off the vibe to you that I don’t know what the hell is going on? I keep this show on the road. I know you need your snare skin. I know you guys – all of you need a bed at night. I know you have to eat. So why in the fucking hell would I be driving around for no fucking reason at all? Especially since I’ve said 47 times that we’re GOING TO THE FUCKING STARGATE STUDIO TO SEE MY PAL JOE!!!!

What I say:

“No we’re not going anywhere at all.”

That did it. He asks what the fucking problem is. He tells me I’m playing games not talking like this. He’s frustrated with me too.

I tell him.

I tell him that I’m psychologically defeated from last night. And even though I shouldn’t be needing situational self-esteem to cheer me up, would it have been so difficult for him to be nice to me. To not comment like he did. Not to subtly or obviously make me feel bad. Make me feel like I let him and Jon and Alex down.

…

He was quiet for a moment and then… He apologized. He agreed that he too felt psychologically defeated because of last night and that he should have been more aware of the situation. Holy shit. These are good men that are in this band.

They’re sick bastards but very strong. Stronger than me.

We shook hands and it was done.

We enter the lot of the studio. We’re told to park somewhere around the corner. I see Paul Scully’s name on an empty spot. I park there. I know him – it’s cool.

We go up to Joe’s office. He’s coming down the hallway. I haven’t seen him for about 4 years. He looks exactly the same but he’s funnier than I remember him. And more concerned about our diet then I ever thought he’d be.

He takes us on a tour of Stargate, Stargate Atlantis.

INTERESTING JON FACT #4

He actually watches Stargate Atlantis sometimes. (we’ll not when he’s playing or doing his web designs but you know what I mean).

We try out the stargate/vortex.

We captain the Prometheus.

We meet Ronon (Jason Momoa) the Warrior guy. Then go in to the live stage. They’re shooting a scene.

They shoot 4 takes. 4th cut and print.

Teyla! Rachel Luttrell!

I want a picture with this woman – she’s fucking spectacular. I ask Joe. He sets it up – he’s a great guy!

Rachel comes over to my right and I introduce myself. The band and what we do. She has a huge smile for us and seems genuinely happy to meet The Gods Of Now. She is an actor though. No. She was really nice. So I tell her their is a CD and a nice tank top waiting for her up in Joe’s office. We assemble to take the pic.

I swear Alex J.D. was on my left. He was right there! As soon as we were going to take the picture I was putting my arm up to grab her to me. But Alex was there like the invisible man – holy shit! He moved like a jungle cat! But, sadly, we’re not in the jungle and actors like to be the center of attention. She says “Who’s the lead singer.” I smile at Alex and say slowly. “That would be me.” She snuggles in. And we take a nice pic. (see pic below). Ahhh, it’s good to be the singer, cuz we have to be the center of attention too.

We also take a pic with Dr. Mckay (David Hewlett) and Teyla (Rachel Luttrell) together too.

But, we gotta go. OH! Rachel takes off the sci-fi vest and KA-ZING!!! This woman is beautiful though! Damn, I’m feeling happy again. I’ve got to figure out this situational/conditional self-esteem thing. You can’t go through life like this and expect to be happy in the long run.

Do you think I’m shallow?

What would you do if you had all these thoughts of awareness and nudity? These waves of clarity and sexiness? These chains of self expression and porn? What would you do if you were me?

I drive for a bit then we stop and buy a Cheri mag. It’s better then Hustler. I miss porn mags. Now that their is internet porn. And don’t worry, there’s actually going to be a use for these mags. But it’s not conceptualized enough in my head to tell you about it yet. I will when it’s ready.

Jon takes over and Zasta is shot gun. Alex is sleeping in the back and I’m 2nd shot gun. I’m watching the Rockies take shape as we approach Kamloops. Tomorrow we play. Again. Sweet.

I feel like drinking nitro glycerin, eating sticks of dynamite and swallowing bullets. It passes with a swig of Jack.

Zasta mentioned the other day that we should have a contest. What would be a good contest? I mean, sure, everyone wants a tee shirt or a badge or poster. But seriously…

Jon had to stop to take a whiz. He couldn’t sit anymore. He was in pain. (see vid). So he stopped by the side of the road. And he didn’t flush. He feels like a new man!

We’re on empty. There was a warning that if you get on this hwy you better have enough to go 150 KM. We’ll see…

We make it to Kamloops and go to eat at East Side Mario’s – Sorry Joe, but that’s the best we can do on this budget. It’s friendly and filled with cute girls.

It’s attached to a mall so after we eat we go and hand out some stickers to get people to the show. We meet two girls who seem cool. But when I said hello I had to tell them that I wouldn’t hurt them before they even looked at me enough. One of ‘em gave me the peace sign. Nice brunette. The other one – a dirty blond chick, says she got banned from Malone’s pub. I don’t believe her though.

Now were off to some place called Sun Peaks Ski Resort. It’s a long way off and a crazy drive in the dark. Zasta is at the wheel. The road just keeps curving and we just keep driving. Eventually we find a little gem of a place in the middle of nowhere.

Manfred – little german dude checks us in. He takes his sweet time so over in the Banyion Alex is thinking that I’m talking to a girl. He comes in only to find Manfred. Needless to say he’s disappointed.

We check in and go up to a nice, clean big room with a cot and two double beds.

Somewhat Related Entries

• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 8
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 1
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 5
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 16
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 25