Play For Nothing!

“Play for nothing! And no water because you, YES YOU, are a filthy, dirty musician who wants to entertain us!” – Adolph Hitler to Schrecker at Bar Alizé Aug 22nd 2009

Do I believe in reincarnation? I dunno. Sometimes. Certainly feels like assholes who we thought we got rid of years ago during mythical, global struggles have come back to annoy us one more time.

Okay, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but any band that has worked their asses off to play would totally understand (or at least disbelieve) the fact that I was refused water before I went on stage with The Gods Of Now at Bar Alizé on Aug 22nd. And no, I didn’t want a bottle of water or sparkling water. I wanted a glass of water from the tap.

Jerks.

Should have seen it coming.

We were asked to play Bar Alizé on Aug 22nd by Mike the booking guy there. He contacted Alex JD and finally, after some very amateur dealings, set it up with our incredibly patient manger Lulu. Mike, hereafter referred to by his real name Skippy, was missing a band for the first slot of the night and asked if we knew any.

Does Lulu know bands? She knows ALL the bands. She throws Skippy 5 bands that would work well with The Gods Of Now. Contact info and all. But more about that later…

So on the 22nd I left my daughter’s 9th birthday party early – 4 pm (don’t want to be late for sound check and then accused of being unprofessional). I drive over to Moonbabe Studio where I meet Alex JD. We pack up the gear like the Tetris masters we are. We have been told by the bar to be there with our “…gear on stage by 6 pm so they can sound check at 6:15”.

Yeah, sure, like that’s going to happen. Oh, we’ll be there when they ask but seriously, why would this bar be any fucking different from any other bar in North America. It works both ways…

…A bar tells you to be there at 6 pm – the doors should be open and the soundman should be waiting for ya, right? But bars tell bands to come at 6 pm because they think the band won’t be there until 8pm. Gott in Himmel what a biz. Still, we’ve heard that this bar is touchy so we’re going to play it by the book.

Anyway, Alex JD and I are done packing by 5 pm. Jon is supposed also meet us at Moonbabe but we’re too fast. We’re already leaving so we call him to meet us at the club. Zasta is bringing his kit in his own car so he’s going straight there.

Jon calls back 10 minutes later. He’s at the club and the doors are closed. Locked tight. Me and Alex JD look at each other – it’s Calgary 2008 all over again – the LSD flash backs, the smell of napalm and the sound of helicopter blades chopping the air fills the Banyion – oh wait that’s the radio. I turn it down.

We get to the club and there’s Jon sitting outside the locked door. At that point I say to no one in particular, “If no one’s here at 6:30 we’re leaving”.

Lulu and Ben from RadioRockCafé show up soon after this and we commiserate. We all wait.

… and wait.

…and…

“What time is it?” I ask.

“20 after 6.”

And then the bar owner shows up.

Damn it! I wanted to make a point. Oh well, 20 minutes isn’t so bad. He could have showed up at 8 pm like I said.

“Sorry, sorry.” He says, surprised to find us there.

We unload the gear and set it up.

Skippy the booker says that he found a band – “…just today” to open for us and Mannequin Bride, the other band we’re playing with.

Wha…? Just today? What about the names of the bands that Lulu sent him? Well, maybe he found a band that was more suited to playing with the frenetic heaviness of TGON and the rock/punk, rawness of Mannequin Bride. Have to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Malcolm the sound man is ready for us to do a song at a quarter to 8 pm. Wow, okay. Good thing we were here at 6!

I want a glass of water. So I say to Skippy, “Can I get a water?” He says “Umm, no…? Um… I usually go to the washroom… ? um…?” I look at him strangely, what the hell are you jabbering about, and stop making statements into questions like a 12 year old!

I tell him, “I’m not going to get a glass of water in a bar bathroom. Could I just have a glass of water from the sink at the bar.” I ask him nicely. He sheepishly looks around and then goes behind the bar and quickly gets me a glass of water. “I’m not used to being back here so…?” He says.

Whatever. This guy doesn’t inspire confidence.

The other band, Mannequin Bride shows up. Great guys, positive and happy to play. The sound guy is still doing his thing on stage so I go outside with Mannequin Bride and Ben. We talk about the One Pagers that I’m doing for bands…

Shameless Self-Promo #1

ONE PAGERS: These are great tools for sending to all aspects of media. They are one page of text and graphic to catch the attention of anyone in the biz, impart the info they need, and not piss them off with plastic folders and a book of press clippings.

Listen, these days the place for press and blowing your own horn about what people think of you and all them awards you’ve won is on the web.

See, the beauty of the One Pager is that it makes the person reading it (label rep, radio rep, producer) interested enough to go to the link and find out more about you. That’s the key to the One Pager – it works in conjunction with what you have already (if you’re a serious act) got going on line.

The One Pager is fully, graphically designed by Krystelle Ruest who captures the direction and the ultimate vibe of what each act is going for. If they don’t know yet, then we can help them with that too. Everybody wins! I like when it’s like that.

I should mention, as I did to the boys from Mannequin Bride. I just received a nomination for a Prix Gémeaux for writing so what I write into these One Pagers does what I’m telling you it does. It ignites a desire to know more about your band – just like the record sleeves on LP’s did back in the day. Some of those record sleeves are absolute art.

End Smaheless Self-Promo #1

We also talk about Polka being a great traditional form to translate to heavy music. Time to do sound check so…

We do sound check and then I leave to get ready for the show.

Cardinal Rule #1 about being in a band with no rider at club – NEVER BRING OUTSIDE ALCOHOL INTO THE VENUE. If you don’t know this you’d better learn it. Bringing alcohol into a licensed venue is like going on stage and using another bands gear with out asking. This you NEVER do. (It’s Cardinal Rule #2 actually)

However, Cardinal Rule #3 states: for a band with no rider at a club – THE PARTY IS IN THE VAN. In other words – if the band can’t afford to buy 6$ drinks in a club they go buy their own before the liquor store closes and hang out in the van. It’s what bands do cuz often bands don’t get paid. Often.

Really often.

So on the way back, me and K. bought a tiny bottle of Jack so we could have a drink in the van. Should’ve, in retrospect, bought water too but seriously…

We go in… first band is on stage and starts to play.

There is NO ONE there.

Then Skippy the booker says: “I don’t believe in posters.” Oh god. Really? Oh yeah, I forgot, not only does the bar want the band to play, but to promote the show, and pay for drinks and their water… oh! Getting ahead of myself here…

The first band is from Newfoundland. I love Newfoundland. The people are amazing and the musicians there are top notch. This band was not surprisingly made up of nice guys who played nicely written songs really well.

But, and no fault to them, they were stylistically vibe-rock/acoustic. And they were opening for TGON.

Come on.

What the hell is wrong with you Skippy?

Did the Skip-ster actually believe this was a good match for TGON? Lulu – OUR MANAGER gave him bands that worked well with the music we play – she even gave him contact info – couldn’t he have picked up a phone?

The day before the gig Alex JD saw an ad on Craigslist about our show, this show, with Skippy saying he needed to find a band and fast to open for us… Gawwwd! Wot th’ fak?

So, after a couple of songs we go out for a sip or two of JD. We hang out by the Banyion for a little while and see that the first band is finished. I wanna see Mannequin Bride so we go inside.

I see Skippy talking to one of the Newfoundland boys. He’s asking HIM to watch the door while he goes outside.

???

So there’s this musician who is on tour all the way from Newfoundland sitting doing Skippy’s job. I was more sad than angry. I wondered if Skippy would have his dog babysit his kid when he needed to go hang out at the Dep.

Just for fun I went out to see what Skippy was up to. Maybe he actually had some urgent bar business to look after. Sigh. No surprise: sitting on his ass in the dirt with his back up against the wall doing nothing. Wow.

I go back in to watch Mannequin Bride who are up on stage and rocking like there were people there. This is a good band.

They have about 3 songs left. I better water up my chords…

The Water Incident: Dun dun dun!!!

I go to the bar.

“May I have a water please…?”

The bar owner looks at me and turns to look at the sink. He looks back at me and sticks his finger in my face and wags it back and forth.

I hear him say “No!”

He does a wonky pirouette – I guess he was upset and looking for something because he does a complete (but wobbly) 360-degree turn. He once again looks at me and holds his finger in front of my face as if he had caught me masturbating and is going to call the cops (BTW that has NEVER happened to me… in Canada). He runs into the back and I see him dig around someplace. He pulls out an old bottle of water. He holds it up.

“Three-fifty!” He says.

Maybe he doesn’t understand that I just wanted a glass…

“I’m playing. I need water to…”

“Three-fifty!”

Maybe he doesn’t realize I’m in the last band tonight. I mean, come on…

“My band is playing after this one. Me and my drummer need wa…”

“No!”

He turns his back on me and puts the bottle of water away.

I stand there and think to myself…

I think of all the things anyone has ever done to me that was lawless or shameful or pathetic.

I think of people who have stolen from me…

…of people who have broken things of mine in spite.

I think of human beings who have said or done things to me just to hurt me.

I think of the worst critics that have torn my music, lyrics and passion to shreds and published it for all to see…

And to any one of them…

I WOULD GIVE A GLASS OF WATER TO IF THEY NEEDED!!!

END OF INCIDENT:

THE FALL OUT: (now it gets good!)

My rights as a human being were violated. I decided that was that.

I walk through the empty dance floor. I look for and find K who was sitting and watching the band. She throws me a glance and as soon as she sees me she knows something is up. I gesture for her to come with me outside.

In the shadows, I didn’t see Alex JD who witnessed the whole thing. He didn’t hear it though. He followed us outside.

I see Lulu and say “I was just refused a glass of water. We are not playing here tonight”.

Alex JD comes up and listens. He smiles the smile that isn’t really a smile but more like a baring of teeth as a predator does when it sees an easy kill. Oh yes, we know what we’re going to do with this one without even saying it.

I look over and see Ben lean back on his car. He crosses his arms.

“Fuckers” he says.

Everyone is shocked. Amazed at the callousness of the bar owner. The inhumanity. The shocking degradation and torture I have suffered… It was surprising I was still alive after this heinous treatment. Dehydrated to the point of…

Okay I’m being melodramatic, it was just a lousy glass of water. But Ghandi led India to freedom from bar owners because they took away their right to vibe on the sitar and smoke the hookah after 5 pm. So it’s the little things that matter…

But the point is – any band understands this – bands are made to be the fall guys for EVERYTHING. That’s what is wrong about the biz. We work the hardest. We’re made to do everything (we need to promote the show, bring the people, pay the sound man, move our gear) and as a reward we are supposed to take it up the ass and say “Thanks for letting us play”. And now, at Bar Alizé we can’t even have a glass of water – from the tap – for our trouble.

I say to Lulu that I’m going to blog the hell out of this. Write names and say how they treated me. Skippy the promoter hears me and stomps away.

Kat and Marilou look at me with sly smiles and say: “You got your way.” I have no idea what those girls were talking about.

The boys from Mannequin Bride are still playing while all this shit is going down. The room is empty cuz everyone is outside dealing with this shit storm. I say, “I’m going in to see the band. “

On the way in, the promoter with his little girlfriend comes up to me and says that it’s just the way it is with the water here.

“The owner is just like that. He’s a cheap fucker. That’s why I was getting tap water from the bathroom”. He says.

I say, “But, I’m in a band.”

Skippy says “So am I”.

“But you weren’t playing tonight.” I counter. It feels like mentally sparring with a retarded chimpanzee. “I just wanted a glass of water.”

“But you guys didn’t bring any people.” He says as if that, in his mind is the crime that deprived me of water.

“You didn’t promote the show. You asked us to play. We came to play. If you ask Alice Cooper to come do a show and you don’t tell anyone he’d be playing to an empty house too.”

Skippy says “Listen, I’m no promoter I’m a booker.” He also says “I’m a nice guy, not a professional.”

What did he just say…?

Let me get this straight. … a professional, or a nice guy, but not both? I’m sorry but you can totally be a great person and a professional. Most of the people I work with are exactly this. But I can guarantee you that they can’t stand working with lazy ass slackers who are given jobs that they shouldn’t have in the first place.

In Skippy’s case he is a nice guy and he’s an idiot but I think he’s young (I hope so anyway) so he may have time to recover.

So Jon says to me, “It sucks that my mother came all this way to see us, paid her ticket and now Skippy has her money.”

Yeah. At least give Jon’s mother’s money back. That’s the right thing to do. She came to see TGON…

Skippy won’t. He says he won’t give that money back because it’s his now. We argue. Believe me, if it was at all interesting I’d tell you about it. It was mostly just him holding onto his little money box like a football and looking at me with wide staring eyes. Sad actually.

I tell Jon that we’re going to give his mom a t-shirt for the trouble of coming all this way to witness man’s inhumanity to man. What? You forgot about the water incident? Through this whole process, mostly because I’m not allowed water – I’m getting really thirsty. I think it’s a psychological thing.

So I’m about to go in the bar to see Mannequin Bride finish their set when…

Skippy’s little girlfriend barks: “He saw you drinking in your van!” (See Cardinal Rule #3).

“And who the hell are you?” I mimic her little bitch attitude.

“Oh my god! I so want to hit you right now! You are such a fuck!” She starts to stomp around like a little kid having a tantrum.

…and she clearly doesn’t know anything about Schrecker – I’m not a “fuck”. I’m a prick. An asshole. A psycho with issues that I’ve recognized and embraced over the many years that I’ve attempted therapy. I’m not saying it has done a single thing to help me, but I do know, clinically, I’m no “fuck”.

I also don’t rough up girls but I’m more than willing, if they want to take a shot at me, to indulge them – Pain makes us know we’re alive. Not that she would be able to get it up to my threshold but it would make a funny story if she’d take a swing. I’d actually have more respect for her.

She didn’t have the guts. She’s just another little jerk; too many of those already.

I go in and see Mannequin Bride on stage playing.

“Just one of those nights” Says the singer who is talking about some completely unrelated topic.

“You have no idea.” I say back to him from the room.

They end the night with a great rock song – nice, nasty and gritty. At the very end as the power chords are slamming like sledge hammers on the down, the singer kicks a glass of water and it goes flying ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!

Oh my fucking god that was great!!! That was so fucking rock and roll to me at that moment. Water flying everywhere!

What a shame there weren’t more people to see it.

I go outside and talk with Alex JD who is with Kat and Marilou. Alex JD and I know that this Water Incident will be so much more of a PR shot than playing a non-descript show like this.

Yeah, that’s a sad commentary on the biz but it’s the way things are. Who cares if you play music that no one has ever heard before? Who cares if the boys in the band are the most incredibly intense, dynamic performers that you’ve ever seen? Who cares if this is art?

“The singer of The Gods Of Now was refused a glass of water before getting on stage to perform at a bar in downtown Montreal.” How come cool shit like that only happens to him? Johnny Rotten once said, “Any one can be loved. Try being hated for 15 years. That’s something.”

We’re going to pack up and go out to have a drink. All of us.

I look over to see Jon who is talking with Zasta who has JUST NOW showed up to play. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He doesn’t know what went down.

I love this about TGON. We all experience things in different ways, but you could never find more wildly contrasting individuals then me, Jon, Alex JD and Zasta.

Zasta is reasonable. He looks at me when I come over and says, “Well, we made the effort to come here and bring our stuff. What if we just play for ourselves. Turn this negativity into positive energy.”

He’s right. And we love to play. But not like this – this is bigger than a club and a band and bad attitudes and big egos.

“Zasta,” I say without emotion, “They wouldn’t give me water.”

I’m not pretending to know how or why Zasta thinks the way he does but I know “water” is a trigger word for him. I’m sure it conjures up passionate feelings of environment, humanity, moistness, wetness, squirting and gushing. Either way he shook his head and simply said, “Let’s go”.

We start the tear down. Malcolm is there. “Thanks for your help, at least for the sound check.” I say to the soundman.

“No problem. Life goes on.” He smiles wondering how I’ll react.

I smile back. “It always does.”

On the way in and out of the bar with our stuff I run into Mannequin Bride. They are totally punked up over the water incident. “Dude! If we knew we wouldn’t have played either! They made us pay for water that’s why I kicked it at the end of our show!” Yeah, these guys are all right.

So we’re all packed up and it’s 11 o’clock in the evening. We’re all there and we want to party it up. We decide to go down the street to get a Mojito at Distillerie.

PART II: TGON goes out. (coming soon!)

Somewhat Related Entries

• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 26
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 28 (Last Day)
• The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 24
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 4
• The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 19