The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 18

I open my eyes and look around. It’s 7:38 am. I didn’t fall asleep until 5 am I think. I need more sleep. I close my eyes.

It’s 9:46 am. Ahhh, that’s better. Energy. I think I’m back to normal. The world is once again in front me. Like it used to be. And you’re in there somewhere. All I have to do is find you.

Me, Alex and Zasta are up and ready for breakfast. Jon turns over and says he wants to sleep. I’m so energetic.

So we walk to the hotel resto for eggs. We sit down. I immediately take my little pad of peanut butter that I always eat at breakfast. The waitress with, as Zasta points out, invitingly milky bosoms comes up and flatly says “You’re disgusting!” Oh yeah! I’m ready for this. I put my arms out invitingly and say “And good morning to you too!” She’s cool. I have three eggs, toast and hash browns. Zasta the same (but he gets rye I get brown toast). Alex has oatmeal and yogurt. We eat and it was good.

The hotel gives us coupons for some money off (2 bucks off actually) which added up to almost a coffee each. Ah well, better than nothing.

We go back to the room. Zasta is going for a walk in the sunshine. It’s a beautiful day. Alex gets on the comp and starts to straighten out life. I wanna check out the waterpark so I put on my ATTACK suit and go.

I walk in and all is quiet. Their is no one there at all. I look at the massive waterslide and all the fountains that are quiet. I say a few words out loud to hear the echo. “Claim!” I say and “Fabric!” The reverb is astounding. But I want it all to be working – I want the water to flow. So I go to the front desk and ask. The woman comes with me and starts it up.

Holy Shit!!! This place is water world. (See pics/vid). I smash down the waterslide – serious! The river run makes me want to puke – YEAH! And the pool is perfect for a good cooling off.

I sit down in the spa-aaahhhhhh!

I have a breakthrough concerning the backstory on a character I’m writing for a TV show aimed at the same demo as Californication or Six Feet Under. I scribble it in my writing book. The producers of the show want the character to be more real and more flawed. I simply draw off my own background. Yeah, that’ll work just fine.

Forgiveness is strength. Not only for the one who is forgiven but also for the one who forgives. We all fuck up, don’t we? None of us are perfect. I’ve done…questionable things. Was a broken kid (you see right in to me), now I’m a scarred man from those old lonely wounds. But all along the way I’ve been strengthened by forgiveness. Now it’s Alex’s turn.

No one here is ordinary. We act as we do for reasons that are beyond our control. Driven. Always driven on by a mania or desire. We demand to know what is on the other side. We demand to know how far is too far. We need to know what happens when you fall off the edge because walking along it is far too predictable after a while. And then when it happens, self-destruction. Re-invention. Creation. We come back from the other side and we know something astounding.

It all sounds so fucking rock and roll, doesn’t it? It is for civilians looking in. But those close to us, those who care for us, they deserve a rest sometimes.

We’re demanding but all we demand is acceptance. We’re out of control but all we want to ruin is ourselves. We become lost and we need that anchor to bring us back.

Alex is here, like the rest of us, for his reasons. The road changes a man. Driven around the world by insatiable lust for life. No matter how much you look at this ball, this circle, this ring, it is never the same. No beginning and no end. No matter where you start out, or leave off, or pretend to finish. You go around and get back together where you were and it’s never the same. It’s never what it was. It cannot be. It’s better. It’s different as it is new. And new is right Now. And right Now is as it should be. And Alex has found something astounding. But you’ll have to ask him.

I get out of the spa and go back to the room. I change. Jon’s hungry so we go to the Hotel Lounge and he grabs a club sandwich. He needs to eat so it’s fine but it is not that great, he says. Then we notice that their’s musical instruments set up. I ask if we could play there tonight. The manager says “why not?”.

Cool, it’s great to play. But we almost immediately think about the logistics of it. We’re a fucking out of control live act – now playing the lounge at the Travel Lodge. I dunno if this is such a bright idea…

Speaking of stupid ideas – I have a FlipCam. These are excellent little iPod sized video cameras that have a USB port built into it. You just shoot your vids (with sound and amazing picture) and then dump it on to your comp. Our vids are done like this. – yes, yes, they’re coming!

Anyway – I have this bone-head idea to take the FlipCam down this crazy waterslide. You know, cuz it would be fun to slide down with you – this is sort of what it would be like. Jon would be at the bottom and I’d throw him the FlipCam just as I enter the pool.

I know – what a great idea right? And before you think we just impulsively do things without thinking them through (well, Alex does, but maybe not so much anymore) I grab this little plastic cup about the same size as the camera to use for a practice run (see vid). So Jon’s ready at the bottom and I slide down and chuck him the little cup. He just misses it. It hits his hand, but we figure because he was taping the practice run, he’d have caught it using both hands.

Let’s do this thing.

I take the FlipCam up the waterslide with me. I do it. No turning back now! Through the tunnel, shoot to the corner – down the spiral and there’s the end. Up I throw it. And it touches Jon’s hand in just the same way the plastic cup did. And SPLUNK! Right into the pool. Ahhhhh! I dive for it. We take it out. It’s soaking wet…and dead.

Who’s idea was this? Fuck, too much time on our hands. I’m an idiot. Well, I dry it under the hand dryer for a little while. Then I put it in the sun for about 15 min. The big moment of truth. I turn it on. Sigh.

We go back to the room and I take the little bugger apart and then leave it there. We’re hungry so we need to look for food. I’ll go ask the front desk.

I change into my clothes and walk to the front desk. I could not believe, looking at this girl, that I was in Medicine Hat, Alberta!

Amanda seems to be a popular name out in the west. That’s okay. It’s a very sexy name to begin with. She has long, strawberry-blond hair. And pale skin. Small features, and oh so very pretty. She reminds me of the kind of girl a vampire would go for immediately. But the most attractive thing is this sadness that surrounds her. Like a Calvino linen, it envelopes her, makes her ascend up to some heaven that I’ll never know.

She tells me that their’s a good resto down the street. I tell her we’re playing later and hope she can drop in. She has no context for any of this. But she smiles so I’m happy I got to see that.

We get ready and pile into the Banyion. We’re hungry and want to break out of our lack of energy. We’re hoping the food will do this for us.

We see a Seafood resto. We all have misgivings. We’re in the middle of Canada. Seafood? Not really. We go in anyway. Look at the menu. Everything is fried.

Psychotic Episode #5.

I glance over at the tables. They’re fried too. The cook in the back is currently frying his hand. He looks over and sort of chuckles and says “It’s like a hot glove, eh!”. Two hot waitresses wearing bikini’s are slashing boiling cooking oil on each other – just like in a beer commercial – they’re giggling! The patrons are sipping iced oils while eating fried vegetables – I over hear one of them say the veggies are because they had pie at lunch so they have to watch it. But it’s a good thing it’s all you can eat.

End Psychotic Episode #5

Zasta says, “this isn’t the kind of food I eat”. I nod. We leave.

In the parking lot walking to the Banyion. Two girls wearing black are smoking behind a Starbucks. I glance at them and get almost to the Banyion when we hear…

“Ahrga Biark! Ibglik! S’potep!”

Whaa?

We look over and they’re looking at us and smoking.

“Whaaa?” one of us says – or all of us. What the hell does “S’potep” mean? We walk a little closer.

“Are you guys in a band?” The girl with nicely done purple eyeshadow asks.

We all check our own zippers.

“Yeah. The Gods Of Now”.

They’re Eden and Raven. They both work at the Starbucks. They’re very friendly. We talk a bit. We have to have some kind of context here. Once that’s established we find out a good place to eat. They tell us that if we keep going on the road we’re on their’s a Moxie’s and a Montana’s. Cool. We go.

We actually see a Kelsey’s so we go there. Great choice! Valerie from Magog is our waitress! Ahhh, we all become homesick in two seconds. Elle est vraiment une belle fille! Just so nice to be around. So nice to look at. Girls from Quebec are a national treasure.

I have a salad that Valerie suggests. It was great. Instead of chicken she put salmon because I don’t eat meat (chicken, pork or beef). Jon had a Philly steak – he said it was the best he’s ever had! Zasta and Alex had hamburgers. Zasta loved his. Alex complained about something – I think it was something about the radius of the top bun not matching the bottom one.

We get the bill and it’s time to leave. Everyone watches as we each give two kisses to Valerie and say “a la prochaine”.

Now it’s back to Starbucks for attention and coffee. I walk in and I see Raven say to some hot little number “their’s the guys I was telling you about.” We say hello to her and Eden once again and are introduced to others. The hot little number is named Chelsie and they all say that she is a foam expert.

..?

Umm. I look blankly at Chelsie and say “You really shouldn’t say that to a rock band on the road.” She doesn’t hear me. But Raven does and laughs. Cool.

Eden hooks us up – she is the manager. So nice to have a friend with coffee as her power.

We say good-bye and go back to the Hotel. We talk about playing on the way there. We’re kind of pissed about the fact that some of these shows we’ve been playing are last minute shit gigs where no one knows we’re playing until the day before. Less time in some cases. In once case the bar DIDN’T know we were playing. We hate this.

Do we really need a rehearsal? No. We all agree that if their are people there we’ll play. It would be even better if we could use the drum kit that was there. Cheap ass kit but better then lugging the whole of Zasta’s in.

So we get back and go into the lounge. There are people there! We’ll, actually person. An old lady playing a poker machine. We all look at each other… Naaaa!

I go to see Amanda and tell her it’s too much effort. God, does Alberta even know she lives here? She’s the kind of girl you remember forever – She’d be great in a music vid.

So, now that we’re not playing I’ll see how much damage I did to my FlipCam. I go back to the room. It’s a skeleton of her former self, my FlipCam. All apart, no buttons and just her naked screen showing. I put the batteries back in and turn it on.

Nothing…wait! There are lines on the screen! Wait! Color! Oh my god! IT’S ALIVE!!! I immediately dump down the vids that are on there onto the comp. Wow! We all can’t believe this thing came back from the dead after been plunged into over chlorinated pool water! We’re going to write the company to tell them how amazing this little thing is.

I put it all lovingly back together. It’s as good as new.

So now we’re going to try it again! Well, come on. It’s only a bone-head idea if it DOESN’T work. If it does – it’s fucking awesome.

And it works! (See vid).

We tried it with a pen first. And Jon got it without a problem. So we did the real thing. And he caught it. Now their’s nothing better when a risk you take works out. Nothing better at all – except doing it AGAIN! Yeah! So we do it again. And it works! Again.

Now I’m bored with doing that. It was cool, but now – you know, whatever!

Jon and Zasta go back to the room. I swim around a bit and then also go back to the room.

Everyone has their instruments out and are playing acoustically. I grab mine, (they brought it in for me). We worked on things we needed to tighten up and came up with a very cool new intro to the show.

Now I’m laying here wishing this was my bed.

Good night.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 17

It is a better day. I wake up rested. Not Zasta tho. He’s tired today. He’s very ubby. Nice to be around – not cranky but very, very ubby.

We get ready and check out of the Big Horn. They’re so nice there. Anya the cleaning girl is very sweet. We walk over to the restaurant that’s attached to the Husky and have a straight up eggs breakfast. Nice. It’s not anticipated to be anything but good and it is. They know breakfast.

We move out and on to Lake Louise. We have two missions. One to see if Kate the Australian girl will actually leave and come with us to Winnipeg being our merch girl and two, to do the interview between Jon and Schrecker for Elite guitars.

We drive to where Kate works. We walk in and she is more than happy to see us! Yay! She says, jokingly, “Let me go quit my job”. Ha! That would have been sooo fucking cool if she did. Anyway, I totally understand her position. And she scolds me for not emailing her when we were coming back? She could have gotten ready. Obviously she was not expecting me to be a man of my word. But who can blame her? Their aren’t too many pirates around anymore. We give her our cell number because she has to work. So we go up to the Lake do the interview.

We drive up to the Chateau Lake Louise. By now we know the place and are at home. We grab our guitars, cameras and flip cams (like life savers these things be- arh!) and head over to the beautiful teal Lake.

We find the same spot we were at last time. The sun was shining bright and the water was so perfectly teal blue. You couldn’t have wished for anything better. Jon and I take out our guitars, mine I call Kate, after my Australian friend, and Jon calls his…. ($*#%(*)

We go and sit on the rocks and do the interview (see vid). Honestly, I really like my guitar named Kate. She is pretty and is an extension of my subconscious.

We sit at the lake for a good long time. Get our pics taken (see pics) and just look at each other and wonder, because this is the shit tour. It will only go up from here. And here is Lake Louise. We’re either between the legs of nature or a beautiful girl. It’s really quite a life. How can it get any better? But inside me – I know it certainly can.

We go to the Lake Louise Hotel and sit out at the primo table and have the GREATEST Nachos ever! Alex has a Big Rock Grasshopper, Zasta has the same. I have a Jack (big surprise) and Jon has a Coors light bottle. We toast to being alive, being there and being The Gods Of Now. It’s a fine moment.

Tamra and Tad, two American people here to do business in Calgary (bricks no less – Tad says that Bricks are a lasting commodity – if they’re in the Great Wall of China, then that means they must last. He’s got a point). They talk to us about the road, the band and what we are about. They buy a CD from us and get our autographs. It’s for their son. That’s cool. I just tell them to look at the poster before they let him. Their are some very suggestive pics on there. He’s young. Let’s not destroy him before he’s ready.

We pay and leave. What a fucking amazing afternoon!

We go to see what’s up with Kate and at the same time feed the Banyion. She’s almost dry and needs more.

I go and pay and as I come out there she is. Kate. Geeze this girl is beautiful tho. We say hello and then decide to go for a drink at her place. We all pile in the Banyion and head over to the Servant’s Quarters – oh I know, it’s the staff housing but it’s way funnier to call it this!

So we appear at her place and it’s very big and very spacious. It’s very comfy as far as I can see. She has a killer back yard view. Mountains and a river – great! I’m drinking. What? All together now – Jack! Kate’s drinking Vodka. No one else is really drinking anything – except Jon who really has a hard time saying no to anything alcoholic these days (It’s a joke, don’t worry, we’ve got your boy safe and sound) – he’s drinking a beer. Kate wants to hear our music so we bring in a CD and she puts it on, not at her place but at a friend’s place, next door. Two guys, one is from Quebec – great! Hi, heys and so on. And then two other guys show up – oops – too much sausage for TGON. Zasta looks at me and gives me the look that says so. I say, “Where are all the girls in this fucking place?”. No answer. So then it’s time to go. But I like Kate. I don’t want to leave her just yet. I think she has something to tell me and I want to know what it is.

So I ask her to take us to someplace around here in Lake Louise to eat – but not expensive. It’s a tall order but our Kate comes through. She brings us to the Lake Louise Inn. Upstairs. Stay away from the pasta we were told. So we did and had Calzones and Salads. It was very, very good. And not too expensive either.

While there I felt abandoned quite early in the meal. I understood very quickly that Kate has decided that I’m not a good man. It’s strange why this matters to me. I neither know her, nor do I feel that we will ever be friends even though I was hoping so. Maybe this is what I came here for: to feel that a person who I genuinely liked (for no other reason than she was exciting, funny, hot and a fellow traveler – and was a good drinker) really doesn’t like me. This is rare. Most everyone thinks I have something to offer. Kate just keeps looking at me (when she does) and says, “I don’t know how you can be like that”. Well, I might be a fuck up. But at least I’m trying to change. I tell her so. I don’t know why I do. This is something I don’t share with anyone. You can think what you want of me. I don’t care. But our Kate…I don’t know why I wanted to explain myself to her. I never do.

I leave. I can’t stay around this. And it’s not because it affects me negatively. It’s because it’s a waste of time now. (I’m in the bathroom asking Zasta for the keys and he says “You’re not uncomfortable because of us, are you?” (he means the band) Oh my god no! I tell him. My band has seen and heard far worse from me than this. I would share anything with them. I trust them completely. He knew this before I tell him. It really is that this catharsis was unwanted and unlooked for and is highly personal. I didn’t feel it was the time or the place.

I received what I came here for – and now the road is waiting. I want to move on. I was gifted a punch in the face, psychologically speaking. And from a sweet Australian girl at that. I’m glad it was her. It’s why I named my guitar Kate. I was looking for her name for a long time. I found it in Lake Louise. If the one you choose doesn’t fit, it’s not the right one. Kate is the perfect name for this guitar.

My band is quickly behind me, ready to go. I never have to worry about my band. They are more supportive of me than any support group I could ever have. What’s more, they accept me. They might even like me but you’d have to ask them. Ha!

We take Kate down the road to her house. We drop her off and she says good-bye to everyone. Then she opens my door and says good-bye to me, asks me if I’m alright. I say I’m fine. I am. I unfortunately have no attachment to her. I say goodbye. She pushes me away harshly and says, “What is your problem?” And leaves. I watch her the whole time, knowing that I’m not a good man in her eyes. Not a good man at all.

What is my problem? Ahhh, that is the question my dear Kate. What is my problem?. I have so many. All I want to do is connect with people. Be normal like everyone else. Get a job. I want to go to bed at home. I want to have friends. I want to watch TV. I want to be happy. How about that?

And if you can fucking tell me that you are actually happy – go ahead and fucking throw all the fucking stones you want. I’d love to be killed like that! Drilled by a stone in the side of the head, thrown by happy people – preferably from Australia because I have such a soft spot for Australians. I still do – sweetest accent ever! And in Kate’s case – a compete knock-out.

But I’m not worried. No stones are going to be coming my way. Because none of us are happy are we? We go from peak to valley and valley to peak (how about that for a mountain metaphor) having a window open every once and a while that lets us know what it might be like if we were happy… What it might be like if we were stronger, or better, or thinner or nicer or well, just well in ourselves.

Lemme ask you something? What are you running from? I mean it.

Just tell me. What are all of you running from? I’m running from a whole shit load of things…

• Mediocrity
• Passiveness
• Ambivalence
• Love
• Safety
• Morality
• Responsibility
• Maturity

And that’s just a little tiny short list. I could spend a book writing on everyone of those. In fact, Broken, by The Gods Of Now is written, in part, because of this…

Now, I’m sitting beside Zasta as he drives the Banyion on to Medicine Hat Alberta. Running. Running from where I was to where I’m going. Running from who I am to who I’m going to be. Running straight into hell, trying to raise it so we don’t have to go so far.

So? What are you running from?

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 16

I wake up. I’m not rested. Neither are Zasta, Jon or Alex. Someone was breathing like a coked up semi-trailer. It wasn’t me. Everyone else denies it too.

I need to make arrangements to stable the Banyion. She’s hurting and needs to be groomed and shoed. And somehow kick started into her regular fiery burning motion.

I call CAA.

CAA sends the Big Truck. I like these ones. They’re sort of the aircraft carriers of the road. Take offs and landings with winches. Who the fuck doesn’t love winches? You can pull stumps out with ‘em!

We’re all there as the CAA guy checks things out. He tightens the batter terminals and gives the Banyion a bit of her favorite Jack. IT STARTS!!!! Holly the Hot Mechanic did say it would be intermittent.

The band is hungry so they go off in search of food. They carry spears and knives looking for any egg lay or batter fried creature to devour. I stay behind to wait for The Battery Specialists who are supposed to come in 90 minutes.

I sit in the sunshine looking like I’m in a kick ass Rock band and have been drinking too much. Blue jeans, boots, red shirt and skull belt buckle. Every once and a while I go in to the Hotel to talk to Laura. Find out she’s gonna be starting Nursing School. Then I go back out and wait with the Banyion. Eventually I shut the Banyion down. I cross my fingers and say a prayer my goddess and then crank the key. The Banyion fires up on the command. Fuck the Battery Specialists – It’s 2 o’clock in the after noon and I still haven’t eaten or gotten my morning coffee.

I find Alex, Jon and Zasta in Denny’s. They’re finished but they watch me scarf down my breakfast/late lunch.

Jon reminds us: “You’re not allowed to sell that here!” Said one of the Fuckers in Calgary.

Calgary Madness Fantasy #1

Someone tries to serve you breakfast. You grab your barbed wire bound baseball bat and start wailing on them shouting “You’re not allowed!”

Some one gets curt with you. “You interrupted me!” Smack down! Ka-banff! “You ain’t allowed muthafucka!”

Someone asks you where the washroom is. “Where’s the..” Blam! Blamblamblamblamblam! You shoot ‘em were they stand! “Not today! BANFFFF! I’m out!”

End Calgary Madness #1

I pay. We leave. I figure I can drive for a bit even though I’m tired. But first it’s to the West Edmonton Mall to, once again to wallow in the wickedness of promiscuous consumerism. Getting fucked by one boutique after the next.

Always a good time at the mall. I go and buy what I need and then we get the hell outta there!

Halfway down the 2 south my eyes won’t focus so I hand it over to Zasta. I fall asleep as soon as I’m in the shot-gun chair.

We need to eat so we go to a place called Mojave Bar and Grill in Red Deer. Where the hell do these girls come from?? They are all tall and gorgeous. Legs that won’t quit and bodies that won’t let you! Food and girls! Two very great things to have in the same room!

I have the Prawn Salad with Japanese Noodles. It was fresh and delicious. It comes with a little muffin which I find out with a bite is corn bread. Delicious! Alex has the chilli. I’m sure it’s good but he has to complain about something so I think his bowl wasn’t round enough or his spoon was too oblong or the water was too murky. But he said it was good. Jon had the Jack Daniel’s Hamburger. He loved it. Kept on licking his lips and saying “I can really taste the Jack.” A surprising amount of girls kept walking by when he was doing this. He was too into his burger to notice. Zasta had a wrap and salad. He liked it. All in all a very good meal. And right on budget. And the girls! Wow! We need to play in Red Deer.

We hit the road again. This time I drive again. Zasta and Alex want to watch Eastern Promises while we close in on Banff. We set it up and the in flight movie begins.

Me and Jon change from Driver to Shot-gun and I watch the rest of the movie with Alex and Zasta while Jon does the drive from Calgary to Banff. Destination the Horny Inn – I mean the Big Horn Inn. We stayed here the last time we went through.

We’re not in the Party Room like last time cuz it’s booked but we have a great room with three beds. I’m falling off my face I’m so tired so I’m going to turn in.

The telephone is a lifeline. If I don’t hear that someone at home “believes in me” – I’m not going to make it through this. My issue with ambivalence is certainly a handicap – but it won’t kill me. My major issue is self-destruction. For many exciting and amazing reasons I want to blast myself into the ether with as many people watching me as possible. If I were to hear – “Leave you’re name and number and we’ll get back to you – beep.” And then “Do you accept the charges?” I wouldn’t make it. But she never sleeps. She waits for my call. Makes sure I’m okay and on track.

And I feel okay. I think I’m going to be even better tomorrow. I’m going to win this if it kills me. And I’ll be fucking dancing on my own grave if that happens. Does that make sense? Am I talking about my subconscious here? That stupid little fuck-prick! Whoa I’m tired.

I’m going to turn in. While Jon is still tapping on his comp.

Goodnight.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 15

I’m a failure and a chump. I try my best to fuck it up. All the time. The only positive thing I have to say about this is I’m aware of my behavior and I’m starting to recognize the patterns. But doing something about it… That’s a different story.

I miss my home. It’s been a long time since I have ever said that – in fact – I’ve never said that before and meant it so much. I wake up and it’s about 12:30 pm. I hate the feeling of a wasted day. But I’ve had no choice. With what went down yesterday night and the drive to Edmonton, I’m done. What I need is a good stiff drink of Jack.

I get out of bed and I work.

I go down to the pool/waterslide/spa and take a dip. Not for very long though. I feel severed from life. And it’s not better as one hang up after another doesn’t have the result I’m looking for. It just casts me out into rougher and rougher seas.

There isn’t much I can do to make myself more of an easy target. I’m reckless. Far too reckless now. I can’t imagine that I’m safe from my inner fucker.

And I’m giving too much away. It’s clear. One brutal dial tone after another. In spite and in malice. Can’t you see I’m trying? Can’t you see this?

I call the club. The guy doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about and then he says if we were told that we were playing then that’s cool, it’s completely possible. He says if we want we can show up at around 7:30. Cool. Time for another quick swim.

We’re all very ubby today. Living too fast, these last few days I suppose.

We swim. Shower and get ready. Laura the clerk (a sweet farm-girl who’s built like a shit brick house!) is looking amazing with her new hair cut. We chat and then the rest of the Gods come down. We have a band.

I climb into the Banyion and turn the key. Their are lights. Strong ones. But the engine will NOT turn over! The Banyion is throwing a spoiled girlie fit because we haven’t given her the TLC she wants lately.

We try everything. Nothing. It will not turn over. We’re fucked. In my head I’m thinking starter. I remember that smell of burning plastic a little while ago. Could be serious – serious means expensive. Not good. I call CAA and they send a truck to boost the beast. Nothing. Silence in the furnace.

We call the club to tell them the problem. We ask if they could send a cargo van. The plan is we’d transfer the gear over and we’d go and play. The club starts to make calls looking for a truck. We are in truck land here. But we can’t use a pick-up. We need our stuff to be safe. We ask if there’s any PR done or if anyone is there. It’s just our friends we made at LeDuc. We’ll that’s a start – we want to play.
We all agree this is one of those things that a band MUST go through. The engine trouble that causes us to miss a gig. Damn, it sounds a lot better than it feels. We are just standing around in our stage gear itching to play (see vid).

We decide to go out for a drink at Moxie’s. We go in and say hello to everyone. All happy. Charlie, Holly and Cokey from LeDuc show up. They’re upset that we can’t play. Holly – thin, hot in heels, with a killer ass turns out to also be a mechanic! She tells me that she’s sure it’s the ignition but she doesn’t have the right tools. She says it’ll be intermittent until we fix it. We add even more people (Renatta, Pam, Jillian and Hayley) to our entourage and we walk over to Earl’s across the street.

A psychological devastating night for me. I feel drunk, dirty and lost. I feel like it’s 10 years ago. I feel like I’m finished. I feel like it’s just the beginning and hell is closer then heaven. I FEEL like this. But it isn’t like this. Here is what I’ve been looking for! I can feel like this as long as I KNOW reality isn’t like this. I’m fine. It’s not the end of the world yet and I’m still kicking ass. Somehow.

My eyes close with three faces looking down at me. I wonder if I could ever make them proud.

Good night.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 14

Time is fucked on the road. It’s all blurry. What happened yesterday is in the same category as your last year in school.

I woke up at ease today. Peaceful. Moving out to Calgary – 7 ish hours. Gotta move.

We pile in the Banyion – some girls are screaming running down stairs. Who the fuck..? oh yeah, Amanda and Max. They came to say good-bye. That’s really nice. That’s something great.

We go for breakfast at a place called Harold’s. This isn’t a good place. They charge for everything here – and don’t tell you when you order something that they will. It’s like a hospital that way. Our server wasn’t happy to begin with but we’re very postitive people. This seemed to annoy her. Okay, we’ll leave her be. We do. Then it’s time to order. It’s all just plain breakfasts for all of us. Alex gets oatmeal and cottage cheese which he dumps ketchup into. I’ve never had it that way so I taste it. Naa, doesn’t do it for me. I like it plain better. Jon gets scrambled eggs and sausages toast and coffee. I have three eggs and hash browns. The first thing we notice is – ABSOLUTELY NO SUBSTITUTIONS!!! These owners must be sooo fucking cheep ass anal about everything. This is so far the only place I know that’s like this – except for down town spots in TO and Montreal. But believe me this ain’t one of those joints. Anyway. I also order sourdough bread. I like it so…Now Zasta has never had sourdough bread and wants to get some toast. But he doesn’t want an extra cost on his breakfast. So he clearly asks. “If I get this breakfast (pancakes and eggs with sausage), instead of the sausage can I get toast”. The waitress says “Okay, I’ll give you kiddy pancakes and that should do it.” Okay. He also wants an orange juice.

She brings apple. He accepts it.

We get our meals. It takes forever by the way. It’s okay. The sourdough is find but not outstanding. Then the bill.

Everything is an extra charge. No substitutions (you can almost hear Herr Gobbles shouting it!) so everything has an extra charge. Zasta’s toast – $3.09 extra, the pancakes are also a higher price. Then the juice 3.95!!! Poor guy’s breakfast cost him almost 7 bucks extra – just for juice and toast.

Stay away from this place. Harold’s Family Restaurant in Kamloops sucks man ass. What’s even worse than all of this – Zasta and Alex go use the wash room. When he comes upstairs the waitress – who things we’ve gone is telling everyone about this asshole who was just in there! Ahhhh! None of us like confrontation but when it happens – WE LOVE IT!!! He goes and stands right in front of her. The bitch turns beat red. Zasta calmly explains that there was no mention of extra charges on the things he ordered. In fact he even, and nicely, asked if their were – and she said no their wasn’t. So fuck Harold’s Family Restaurant. We kick dust off our shoes and leave.
On the highway, we hear a car horn and see a pick up truck with two girls zoom by. They give us the metal sign and wave frantically. The plate is from the Yukon. We pass them and it’s none other than Amanda and Max. One of them told me they were from Vernon and sure enough – they take the turn and wave good-bye for the last time…

Now we’re burning it through the mountains. We stop for coffee at a gas station where Barbara Jean – the most incredibly blond, fully made up, hot 16 year old stripper-wannabe cashier lives. It was like having a cheap Christina Aguliera (in her blond phase) giving you change for buying an apple. Not bad make-up either. Not enough lipstick for my taste though.

We’re on the other side of the Rockies now, descending into Calgary.

We’ve been driving for a while now when we arrive at The Thirsty Dog. It’s a rock bar straight up. We go in and Jess, the woman from The Devil’s Work Productions is waiting for us. She’s so nice to us. These are the kinds of people that make the Indie music biz a pleasure to be in. They’re rare. We’ll stay friends with her. This I know.

So we’re going on 3rd out of 4 bands. Great. Prime spot. We don’t care about the headline spot we care about playing to the most people. The other bands are fine with this. Thanks guys.

So we leave our gear stowed near the stage on this side of the dance floor and bring in the merch and set up.

I see our Tara walk in. We met her in Winnipeg. I give her a hug. She brings her little brother – a hard rocker named Jonathan. He’s looking forward to this. He won’t be disappointed.

Psychotic Episode #4

I’m not feeling great. I feel very alone and tired. Sad and pathetic. I’m looking for some kind of lifeline. I use the phone but there is only a victim of my mania to talk to. I feel my life slipping away. I ball my hands into fists so I stop spilling my life. Hold them in my pockets. Do people notice I’m a wreck? Is there anyone who could help me? I didn’t think I was failing but I think I am. I don’t see the same way others do, I’m a bad man for closing down on you. For being weak. For being a kid. I see creatures descending from the ceiling. Syrupy hands let them stick to walls. They leave red marks everywhere. I hold my head trying to block them out.

End Psychotic #4

Alex has an old school friend Jessy and his girlfriend Erin (who is pregnant, congratulations!) come to the show. Jessy’s cool and takes pics and Erin takes vids.

The first band, Hellrazer were hard rocking metal. They were good. They threw their cut of the door to us. I think that was spectacular of them to do. They know what it’s like being on the road. They know what it’s like to rock hard and get it done.

I ask Jessie the promoter if there was anything worked out with the bar. She said there was nothing – but there could have been… She goes and gets us a 50 dollar tab for food and drinks. Sweet! I have a Caeser Salad. Zasta, Jon, and Alex had the special of the house. It’s a double cheeseburger. They say it was very good! And HUGE! Alex said if it was a single it would have been fine.

The next band was called Bloated Pig. We like these guys a lot. Really great and heavy blues based music. Fuck yeah! And their were more than a couple of spots were I’d have loved to have been toasted, listening to it. Great!

Now it’s our turn. We set up. We had no sound check but the sound was just fine. We kicked into Skeeved from the intro and it was soaring. Everyone moved from the pool tables to the tables. It feels so good to play, like being washed clean. MAN In A Car is deadly. I popped another string! Argh. I grab my Fender Strat. We play PornoZING!!! This is a complex song with non-stop right angles. It fucking rocks! Again we end with Assaholic. Fucking sick!

I’m popping strings on my Elite guitar left and right. I have to file down the saddles cuz they seem to be sharp and cutting through my strings. I use 13 to 56 which are pretty heavy so it’s probably splitting the wire wrap on the string. Growing pains of a new guitar. I love using her though.

Jonathan, Tara’s brother says “This is the most crucial thing I’ve ever seen!” He liked it. Good. We talk about amps a bit. I tell him to check out Groove Tubes Amps. Their kick ass but controllable. And that beautiful tube sound.

We sit and watch the last band. Thrashers called Bravado. And then all the fucked up shit in my head spills into reality…

Psychotic Episode #5.

I get up and see Alex taking down the merch panel (it’s the wire mesh panel we have our merch affixed to). I figure he wants to start loading up. I grab it from him and take it to the Banyion.

Next thing I see is a hyper Alex with the merch boxes. He says something like “We better get our shit outta there cuz their’s some fucking assholes roughing people up.”

I go in to find Jess being shoved around by three or four fuckers. I really gets me when I see guys roughing up dames. Shit, isn’t that what Marv said in “Sin City”? Anyway she looks like she needs some support (understatement) so I go over and stand in front of her with my back to the fuckers. She’s hyper so I tell her to calm down and take a breath.
A little backstory here. This place has a reputation and these guys were SNOWboarding their way to an early grave. Put two and two together. I tell a few I see to call the cops. They look at me like I’m crazy. No, no cops. This has to play itself out.

I see Alex standing on the other side of the gear (that’s where all this is going down, right on top of our precious gear). Tara and her brother are there too. So are a few others – and now more of the Fuckers. Someone comes along and tries to get Head Fucker away. But now, because TGON is standing in front of his need for blood so he’s got us fixed. He’s out for us now. Head Fucker gets away (Jess is holding on but isn’t happy – who would be? Jon is to my left front by the gear. Alex is directly behind me and Zasta is to my left side.) . Head Fucker comes to me and puts an arm around me and speaks in tongues. I’ve heard it before so I know. He wants us hurting. I turn and move out from under him. Tara tries to break things up (this girl has some kind of character – she’s rolling up her sleeves, there is no way the Fuckers are going to touch her TGON! We all think she’s amazing! She has no problem calling the cops – but it’s so loud will they hear her?). I turn and a fist speeds by me and hits Zasta in the side of the head. Sucker punch. I grab his head and look. No blood from his ear. He says he’s alright. Nothing major just a shock at the stupidity of the whole thing.

We all feel it at the same time. We’re surrounded by the Fuckers. The camera spins around the scene, too fast, it’s too intense. We see TGON in the center of about 8 Fuckers who have positioned themselves to let none escape.

The Fuckers are here to make a point. They want to do damage. They want to kill. (later we see the weapons that we thought were baseball bats and lead pipes that they brought with them. These were twined with barbed wire and nails – that’s total darkness). Guy in a blue shirt comes to take Head Fucker away one more time. Musicians have timing. We see the break. We head for the door.

Jon is standing with us and suddenly he goes back. “Jon! What the fuck are you doing get over here!” I say. Alex and Zasta are saying the same thing. Jon grabs two guitar cases and turns. Just as all hell breaks loose. I see him running with the two cases like a soldier with ammo boxes. Behind him a mass of bodies and tables and beer bottles flying everywhere. But this isn’t a bar room fight. I’ve been in those. Those peak and then die. This, this is different.

We duck out the back and get in the Banyion. The only thing we’re thinking is Jess and Tara are still in there! We start up and go around the front while Jon calls the cops and an ambulance. Their will be blood here. I pull around the front and we see MORE Fuckers going in. They’re carrying what we think are baseball bats and lead pipes.

We go around the block and see some Fuckers run down the street. We hear the sirens. One of the running away Fuckers sees us and stops in the middle of the street. I drive by as he shouts something. We go to the front of the place that is now bathed in the fireworks of police lights. (I park in the handicapped spot. I wonder, for a millisecond if they’ll give me a ticket.). I jump out of the Banyion and walk to the door. Out comes the drummer from Bravado. His head is gashed when one of the Fuckers through a beer bottle at him. Then another one came and smashed a chair across his face. The EMT make him lay on the ground while they get a stretcher. He’ll be okay. But I think he’s got a concussion.

I walk in. Is this the same venue? It’s a wreck. A broken pile of glass, blood, chairs, booze and tables. I look around. There’s Jess and she’s is okay. They slammed her once or twice but she’s fine. So is Tara and Jonathan her little brother (Jonathan is totally hardcore. He made sure no one fucked with our gear! Fucking hardcore dude!). And when they see me they are all relieved that we are okay. Fuck, these people are amazing!!! Jess apologizes! Oh my god Jess, it’s not your fault at all, I tell her and hug her. We all do.

We start to load up the gear. The cops don’t question us. They just keep saying “You guys are in the band right?”. We look over to the police cars and there on the back of the squad car were the weapons I mentioned. Spikes and barbed wire. We find out that a couple of them were caught trying to get back into the bar through the back. Geeze, stupid.

Anyway we’re putting the last bit of gear in the Banyion and two girls walk by and in all seriousness say to me: “See what your devil music makes people do!”

End Psychotic Episode #5

We say good-bye to Tara and Jess. Matt her boyfriend buys a CD and a patch and tells us we were awesome. Hmmm, how come we feel like powerless cowards then? I think I’m going to train to be an Ultimate Fighter in my down time. TAP OUT!

We’re all wired as we drive to the hotel on the other side of town. I can’t see sleep at all. Neither can Jon, Alex or Zasta. We decided to blow out of here (excuse the pun) and go to Edmonton three hours away. It’s 3 am right now.

We miss the turn to the 2 north. We see a gas station and I want a coffee so we stop. We’re in there waiting for the fresh coffee when Katie and her friend (Jay?) came in. Katie wanted some attention obviously cuz she comes up and say “Hey are you guys in a band?” We’re on!

We charm the pants off of her – well, not literally (if we only had more time!) we actually charm a TGON hoodie on to her. She buys one and we throw in the EP because she bartends at a local bar that would play it. Cool. (See pic). We take pix with her. Two nice people. And two new important fans for us. This is why we’re on the road.

We see the sunrise as we drive into Edmonton. The Sandman was booked tight so we’re staying at the Windgate down the street on 100 ave. Really nice hotel. Clean and new. We even got a full morning breakfast. And then at 8:30 am we hit the beds.

I fall asleep.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 13

Last Part Of Day 12

Okay, this is weird. It’s Day 13 and a Friday but it’s the 12th of September. There’s some kind of vortex of confusion here for sure.

Last night me and Alex went to look around in Sun Peaks Resort town. Whew! Dead. But it’s the end of the season so what do you expect. It is what it is. Walking down the cobble stones – could have been in the Netherlands or in the Swiss Alps for all we knew. We find Bottoms at, appropriately enough, the bottom of the hill. Inside were locals going for a last brew. Friendly. Girl named Elena and a bar tender from New Zealand. I thought he was Aussie. Sorry dude. Didn’t mean to. We watched everyone play pool but that isn’t much fun.

I leave. Alex stays behind.

I enjoy the quiet walk back up. I would love to come back here.

I get to the room and do some work. Jon and Zasta are working on getting the pix ready to put up on the blog. They realized that we don’t have any vid footage from the Stargate visit so they improvise a Space Monster vid to include. (see Vid).

Everyone goes to bed and I’m left working alone.

I feel like I’m in space. Nothing around to stop or change my direction. I’m moving that’s for sure. But up here there’s no backwards or forwards up or down, this way or that way. It’s forward in all directions. Their is no stability. How can their be, that would imply that I know what it feels like to be right sometimes. But their is no right or wrong, no morality because this is uncharted territory – so I’m not right about that either. I feel like I’m in space. A million miles and a million years from anywhere. And even if some miracle happened and I got there…Then what?

I go to sleep.

Day 13

I walk up to Zasta’s cell phone alarm that I asked him to put on. I immediately feel conviction. The Gods Of Now!

I see that the establishment doesn’t like to hear things that are new or anti-establishment. I’ll take it as a sign that I’m right on track.

It’s always best to make up your own mind – just buy the record and listen to it. If you don’t like it, burn it. And tell your friends that you have no musical taste – Oh come on, I’m kidding. Like it or not – just make up your own goddamn mind. It’s taste.

Zasta says in my voice “Don’t be like me – don’t be ambivalent”. Ha! He’s so right. Do I even know what I like? Ask I guess, then I’ll tell you. I have opinions but do I stand by them… Is it bone head judgment or informed opinion?

Oh fuck this is getting complicated now… Ambivalence is all about keeping it going as long as possible. Trying to stay right where you are in the comfort zone and not break out of it by deciding what you need to do – EVEN WHEN YOU MUST. And that last bit is key.

Definition of Ambivalence #1

You must make a choice sometimes – who of us has never been with four strippers who all want to you to fuck them, shoot heroin and crash sum poor family and terrorize them for 3 days? You must make a stand – yes or no – me – I want to hang with the four strippers for as long as possible with out engaging in the deadly actions – who wants to spend three days doing nothing when I’ve got too much work to do anyway! Just to be – to do is to decide – so to be ambivalent means you stay where you are. God what a deceit it is.

End Definition.

We go for a light breakfast at a little place called 5 Forty Cafe & Deli. The food was SOOOOO good. Breakfast sandwiches made fresh. I had the two egg vegetarian with spicy cheese. Whoa! Amazing. The coffee was fantastic too. All the boys in the band vacuumed their sandwiches with ease.

Journey down the mountain. Their’s this smell coming from the Banyion. No, not in the Banyion but the furnace that keeps us moving forward. I think it’s the brakes but it may be the power steering fluid that needs topping up. Either way – I’m gonna take it in for a lube job. Alex knows all about giving those, pal.

We get to Kamloops and go to Long and McQuade music. What a helpful bunch of people. We once had an argument about people in music stores and how I knew, because I’ve been to so many, that they all act like assholes. Selling two bit guitars that are impossible to play to little kids. (and you wonder why their are so many D.J.’s.). Anyway – I had to fix my cable from the Vancouver show. The guy takes it and tries to fix it on the spot (I tell him that we’re from MTL and that we’re playing tonight here in Kamloops), which is a fucking amazing thing to get done anywhere let alone a music store! And then I buy a strap and a new cable cuz mine went Lobotomatronic on me – for those of you who somehow don’t have the record yet – that means the wires have been crossed. Not good. I’ve only had it for like 10 years. I suppose it was due. Zasta bought a snare skin. Jon wanted to get a pedal but couldn’t find any he liked. The cashier told me how to get to the hotel and was totally friendly.

So, I’ve rescinded. I was wrong. I was close minded and now I’m born again about guys who work in music stores. I admit it. Not everyone that works in a music store is an asshole. To tell you the truth – it’s been a long time since anyone in a music store has been anything towards me but very nice and helpful. I’ve just been hanging on to some kind of deep anger, I guess. It’s good to let it go. In fact, the next music store I go into I’m gonna shake the fucking sales guy’s hand and say “you are doing a great job here dude! Keep up the good work!”. I will too. Wow, this is one less issue I have to worry about. My disdain for going into music stores! Hey! It’s not much, but one less issue in my plethora of issues is sooo uplifting.

We go to The Best Western and settle in. Very nice hotel. Friendly, clean and big rooms. Me and Zasta go for a hot tub and a swim. I know, touring is rough. And it’s gonna get rougher when Amanda and Max show up. Amanda is a knock-out native girl who is covered in tattoos and piercings. She sees me and Zasta immediately, but not before we see her. Ha! Me and Zasta are such sluts!

We’re swimming around them and Zasta tells them about the show tonight. They say they’re going to come. We’ll see. They seem like the kind of girls who would totally dig what we do. So we’re hopeful.

We go back to the room. Alex is napping. Today, he’s feeling blue. He misses home. I don’t blame him. And I understand. We all do. Nothing is easy. But nothing is erroneous. Cuz unless you die, you have a chance. And if you have a chance – that’s all you need.

I mean, what the hell drives us to leave what we have and come out here into space and drift? Psychologically, physically, mentally, spiritually. What is the fucking click we need to hear in our head to calm us down? To make us stable? And most importantly, to make us happy?

Oooo that’s a hard one, that last question. What do we need to make us happy? If I could answer that, I don’t know if I would be here right now. But for now there is one thing that at the very least gives us conditional happiness…

We perform.

Anyway, I say to the guys that their is an amazing, albeit expensive buffet that the hotel does every Friday. It has fish and meat and everything we could want. So we could have that, or something else if that doesn’t do it for us. Jon and Zasta are with me on it. They’re going to the mall to look around and invite girls to the show. I’m working and Alex… well…

…Alex gets up. He says curtly, “I don’t want that. It’s not the quality but the quantity I need”. I don’t say that this is a fine restaurant with a chef that puts this buffet on. Besides he says “what I’m going to do is get two hamburgers. I’ll eat one now and have one for later.” I think I should tell him but, I don’t think what he’s on about has anything to do with food.

He’s about to leave and I ask “where’ya goin’?” He looks back at me like I’m the last fucker he wants to see right now (now remember this is all in my Point Of View or POV, he might have been in fine mood and it might be me who is projecting all of this) and says “I dunno! But if I don’t find anything, I’ll be back.” And then he leaves. Yeah, I don’t think it’s my POV.

Alex is, like Zasta says, a cross between a Special Forces soldier and your mom. He cares for us all cuz were family. But wow! Ker-Plow – When the God of Wrath shakes his fist at the heavens, those under him tremble. I figure – cuz I’ve been on tour so many times before and been down where he is right now – that he needs to be alone out in space. Just by himself.

Jon and Zasta come back at about the same time as Alex. He has two hamburgers and eats one. We leave him in the room and go for our meal.

If you stay here – get it. The food was fantastic. It was so fresh and good. And the variety! Especially in the fish!

Our waitress – Jamie was a shy, cute girl who had the, as Zasta so eloquently put it – “Whapishhhh!” the tightest ass you’ve ever seen. Couldn’t keep my eyes off of it.

Amanda and Max were out on their balcony – the honeymoon suite – taking pictures of themselves. They were dressed up to go out. They waved. Their were others with them too.

We finished up with desert and coffee. Amazing meal – and I don’t as a rule, eat before playing. But today I’m hungry. We go back to the room and get ready. The vibe is good. We’re on. We all want to scrape away that psychotic residue that we picked up at the Vancouver show. Put that to rest once and for all.

We get in the Banyion and go look for the club. A place called Malone’s Pub. It’s in North Kamloops. On the way – I have a vague idea where it is, we stop to ask these two girls walking down the street – Alex opens the window and says “Excuse me, would you know where…” At this point the older one runs away shaking her head, while the other girl, younger looks at her friend like she’s crazy. Alex continues the question, “…Malone’s Pub is?” The one running away shout back “No! Leave us alone,” The other smiling one shrugs and shakes her head and follow her friend. Hmmm, this is gonna be a good gig we think.

We finally stop and ask a big tattooed guy where it is. He tells us. We’re there in a cunt hair.

We walk in. It’s a salle de spectacle pure and simple. Bar, then tables and chairs then dart boards with no drum riser. The sound guy was setting everything up from scratch. Monitors, FOH bins and mics. We meet Stan the guy who put on the show. Old roadie for Burton Cummings. Good guy too. He postered – kick ass posters too (see pic), did radio ads, and put ads in the local papers. Hmm, my PR person is supposed to be doing stuff like this too but so far we’ve seen nothing – Stan is a good old school rock guy. Great!

We set up and sound check. The cable is fine and we’re ready to play.

We see Eriko out in the parking lot. We played with his band Throttlcaster in Vancouver. It was good seeing them again. Nice guys.

We sat down to watch them put on their show. Lots of applause. Can’t go wrong with heavy riffs.

Meet a heavy music fan named Jay who saw a poster about our show in a window somewhere (see it does work). He drops a wad of cash on the CD and everything else that seemed to catch his eye. And he wasn’t the only one who did this. I admit that our merch is so fucking amazing. I’d buy it without a doubt. And this guy Jay is so freaking nice. Just happy to be listening to live music.

Now it’s our turn to play.

I would love to see us play when were on like this. Holy fuck – everything was like fucking the perfect girl. She looks great, smells amazing and when you look into her eyes you figure it’s love. It was a kick ass show! Everything was out of control and sexy and hot and The Gods Of Now. Zasta smashed into the Intro Riff and there was no turning back. We made them all ours with Wrong But In Throes and Jon’s solo in Broken was spectacular! We ended with Assaholic – fuck, you really feel like a God playing this tune. Ahhh, that’s so much better…

We get off stage and we’re happy. I say “I know this is situational happiness but holy fuck I feel good about this”. Alex gives me the TGON hand shake and a pat on the back. “Sometimes it’s okay, right, pal”. Yeah, especially right now.

….And who should be there – Amanda from the hotel and he brings all her friends. She loved what she saw. Thought it was “Awesome”.

Dean, a happy heavy music fan – who fucking loved what we threw down, buys our sexiest shirt for girls (the black mesh tank top) for Max who says she isn’t wearing any undies – I say, “Yeah, let’s see.” She laughs and walks away from me and lifts her skirt. Ha! Nice bare ass. Well, Dean wants to see her wearing the shirt cuz she’s “She’s got those big tits, ya know!” he says. Hey, I’m here to facilitate the party – and if he needs a shirt to get some nudity going on – well, I’ll take his money and shake his hand! I do and he takes the shirt over to her.

A little later Dean comes up to me and once again tells me the show was killer and that he learned a valuable lesson tonight “Don’t buy a drunk girl a shirt and then give it to her if she promises to put it on. Dude, she took the shirt and won’t put it on for me.” Ha! Good for her.

So everyone is talking to everyone all at once. Eriko from Throttlecaster really wants to hit the road. He tells me he’s ready to go. Well, that attitude will get you on the road for sure – But like everything, you got to do it yourself.

I’m standing there when Amanda comes up to me and puts her hand on my back. I’m covered in sweat from the show. She thinks this is hot and tells me so. Ah! Really now?

Anyway, I pack up my stuff and it’s time for Tetris in the Banyion.

Back inside I get my a pic taken with Amanda. Dean is doing a hilarious impersonation of a photographer and takes bad pictures of us.

We go back out to the Banyion and finish the pack. Everyone is hanging out there – especially Amanda who asks “Are you gonna come to our hot tub?” and not just once. But like 78 times. We say, yeah, sure. She has such a nice face – killer body too. Tattoos all over the place.

We have a full Banyion and a band so we setoff for the hotel with “Are you coming to our hot tub?” ringing out over the night.

I’m driving and we’re talking, going over the performance. Great moments, weak moments, etc. We realize we missed the turn to go up to our hotel. I make a U turn and head back down the same road…

“YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!!” says the disembodied voice coming from a pick up truck going in the opposite direction – Whao! I’m on a one way! ROCK AND ROLL!!!

We flip back around and find the hotel. The boys are off and up to the hot tub. I’m not interested in this… You know I’m not – the hot tub I hang in has a bikini clad girl named Ambivalence and a sexpot drunk girl named Addiction who blow me every chance they get. But I’m the Singer for The Gods Of Now. I’m here to make friends so I go.

I go up to the third floor. I see Alex coming back saying “You don’t wanna go there pal, there’s nothing but sausage”. Well, this must be the case as a couple got married and I suppose these are all their friends: Telsa, Max, Amanda, Charlotte… They’re hot! I’m not looking for a thing – just fans.

Alex goes back to the room and I see Amanda out on the balcony. Zasta is there and Jon is having a smoke. Zasta looks at me and en Francais says “Il y a des saucisses dans la chambre.” I nod and say “Spa bon”. Zasta didn’t hear me – but I thought it was funny. But I say hello to Amanda. She’s wearing her black bathing suit from earlier today. I think it’s the pair of our black TGON hot shorts she bought at the show. I say I’ll take a pic of them on her and she can be on the website. She says “I’ll go put them on if you fuck me first.” Click. That’s all I needed. I say “yeah, sure,” and leave. I’ve got too many issues for anyone these days. I’m fucked in my head – that’s more than enough. I’d like to be drunk right now. I’d love to not be able to get it up. Wasted.

I go back to the room with Jon. He asks for the key so he can go have another smoke. He’s smoking a lot these days (!). He comes and goes a couple of times – smoking is addictive no doubt about it. Alex tells me Amanda was asking for me at the hot tub room before I got there. This tugs at my old self inside. But that’s okay. I like Amanda, in another life we could have been friends. And, I don’t think she needs Lucifer in her life right now and… and…and… you know why.

I work.

Zasta comes in. He seems happy and content. He puts the keys to the Banyion on the table. I smile. The road is a very strange place. A very strange and confusing place.

Goodnight.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 12

I wake up on the cot. It’s not that the weight of the world comes crashing into me or anything, it’s just I feel I must align my Karma or something. Do some good somewhere to alleviate this fragility of my psyche. I’ll be good today. I’ll use all the tools I have at my disposal from my therapies. But I know thinking about it and doing it are two different things.

I look at the time. It’s almost 9 and the wake up call. I check my email. My friend Joe Malozzi who is a producer and head writer for Stargate Altantis has invited TGON down to the set for a tour and to meet some of the actors.

I get up, go down stairs and look for a pay phone. There are no payphones in these Western Provinces! Why? Anyway, I walk to the next hotel over and give Joe a call. He’s in meetings all morning so he says we can drop by after 1 pm. That’s more than fine as we can get some food. We also need to replace a snare skin that Zasta didn’t realize he had broken at the LeDuc gig.

I pack up and say “We’ve got 40 min guys. Let’s go”. I hear Zasta say something. He’s tired. He almost went to bed as late as I did. He may be cranky. I’m not quite sure what it was he said but I sort of took it personally although I didn’t say anything. I kick myself for taking it personally. I’m stronger than this. If he’s cranky, this has nothing to do with me. I say I’m going to put my stuff in the Banyion and then I’ll be in the restaurant having a coffee. Which I did.

I’m sitting there thinking of sensuality, sexuality and women. I’m such a fucking animal. For all my enlightened thoughts and motivated awareness. I’m just a dildo with legs! The woman serving me keeps on coming around and asking if I want more coffee. I don’t. I pay and leave after a brief conversation about finding trouble. It was weird.

I see Zasta and I give him the keys to put his stuff in the Banyion and I check out. The sweet little trainee clerk did a great job and looked super cute to boot.

I walk out and see Alex and Jon. I say “Let’s go for food.”

We get in and we find ourselves looking for a breakfast place in Vancouver. I know that Granville Island has restos and cafes so I think this would be a good place. They’ll eat and I won’t (I’m not hungry). I’ll change the strings on my guitar.

I was wrong. But not that there weren’t restos and cafes. But Zasta was not in the mood for walking to look for any place. And that’s perfectly fine. So was his comments out loud about this. I tried to let it go. But I felt that old situational self-esteem thing hit me again. No. I’ll be okay with this. I’ll recognize that this is his issue not mine. I’m not here to make him happy. Just to find him food… He makes another comment.

And once again I take it personally. But this time I shatter. I can’t deal. I don’t need to be here. I don’t need to take care of anyone. The whole thing falls like a house of cards. I try to gulp for air. Anything. I need anything to show me softness or care. The only thing I can remember is that if you can’t win a fight then you have to walk away. There will be no winners here if I stay. So I say, “Okay, you know what. I’m not eating.” I say it too harshly but I’m really holding myself back. In the past I’ve let entire projects fall to nothing because I give in to this mode of thinking. The Gods Of Now are too important and this situation isn’t. I’m not going to do it now. “You guys find your own place. I’ll be back at the van!” I stomp away like a psycho-idiot. So I got to sort of maybe, a little use some of a little bit of the tools I’ve been learning in my therapies. I’m a stupid fuck.

I turn a few corners and I find the very breakfast place that we were all looking for. Irony. Don’t you just love it! I grab a coffee from the hot Latina (who doesn’t love a hot Spanish girl?!) and I sit outside and change the strings. It’s nice and peaceful. But I don’t calm down. My thoughts are going too fast.

Done the string change and I finish my coffee. Most of the girls in Vancouver aren’t aggressive I find. They look at the ground a lot. Very few smiled at me and when you say hello it’s a rare thing to get a “hi” back. This isn’t the case in the other parts of the country. This isn’t the case in Montreal where the daughters of Venus live.

Anywayz. I put the guitar back in the Banyion and I go and send some mail. I come back and they’re there. I’m not talking. If I talk it’s not going to do anyone any good. I have to let this pass. They ate. But I feel it’s my fault that it wasn’t what they wanted. It isn’t. I know. They can take care of themselves. But I feel like I’ve let them down. That fucking cable last night. Goddamn it.

It’s one thing to recognize what you are, it’s another thing to do something about it – if you want to.

I keep my mouth shut and the Banyion is quiet but for the roar of the beasts engine. There’s tension. We’re on our way to the Stargate Studio. I’ve been talking about heading there all morning long. It’s the plan. I’ve said it again and again. We are right around the corner looking for the building – I’ve said the addy over and over. And then I hear Zasta say, “Are we actually going anywhere at all right now?” Oh fuck…

What’s going on in my head.

Why? Why? Why? Do you ask this? Do I give off the vibe to you that I don’t know what the hell is going on? I keep this show on the road. I know you need your snare skin. I know you guys – all of you need a bed at night. I know you have to eat. So why in the fucking hell would I be driving around for no fucking reason at all? Especially since I’ve said 47 times that we’re GOING TO THE FUCKING STARGATE STUDIO TO SEE MY PAL JOE!!!!

What I say:

“No we’re not going anywhere at all.”

That did it. He asks what the fucking problem is. He tells me I’m playing games not talking like this. He’s frustrated with me too.

I tell him.

I tell him that I’m psychologically defeated from last night. And even though I shouldn’t be needing situational self-esteem to cheer me up, would it have been so difficult for him to be nice to me. To not comment like he did. Not to subtly or obviously make me feel bad. Make me feel like I let him and Jon and Alex down.

…

He was quiet for a moment and then… He apologized. He agreed that he too felt psychologically defeated because of last night and that he should have been more aware of the situation. Holy shit. These are good men that are in this band.

They’re sick bastards but very strong. Stronger than me.

We shook hands and it was done.

We enter the lot of the studio. We’re told to park somewhere around the corner. I see Paul Scully’s name on an empty spot. I park there. I know him – it’s cool.

We go up to Joe’s office. He’s coming down the hallway. I haven’t seen him for about 4 years. He looks exactly the same but he’s funnier than I remember him. And more concerned about our diet then I ever thought he’d be.

He takes us on a tour of Stargate, Stargate Atlantis.

INTERESTING JON FACT #4

He actually watches Stargate Atlantis sometimes. (we’ll not when he’s playing or doing his web designs but you know what I mean).

We try out the stargate/vortex.

We captain the Prometheus.

We meet Ronon (Jason Momoa) the Warrior guy. Then go in to the live stage. They’re shooting a scene.

They shoot 4 takes. 4th cut and print.

Teyla! Rachel Luttrell!

I want a picture with this woman – she’s fucking spectacular. I ask Joe. He sets it up – he’s a great guy!

Rachel comes over to my right and I introduce myself. The band and what we do. She has a huge smile for us and seems genuinely happy to meet The Gods Of Now. She is an actor though. No. She was really nice. So I tell her their is a CD and a nice tank top waiting for her up in Joe’s office. We assemble to take the pic.

I swear Alex J.D. was on my left. He was right there! As soon as we were going to take the picture I was putting my arm up to grab her to me. But Alex was there like the invisible man – holy shit! He moved like a jungle cat! But, sadly, we’re not in the jungle and actors like to be the center of attention. She says “Who’s the lead singer.” I smile at Alex and say slowly. “That would be me.” She snuggles in. And we take a nice pic. (see pic below). Ahhh, it’s good to be the singer, cuz we have to be the center of attention too.

We also take a pic with Dr. Mckay (David Hewlett) and Teyla (Rachel Luttrell) together too.

But, we gotta go. OH! Rachel takes off the sci-fi vest and KA-ZING!!! This woman is beautiful though! Damn, I’m feeling happy again. I’ve got to figure out this situational/conditional self-esteem thing. You can’t go through life like this and expect to be happy in the long run.

Do you think I’m shallow?

What would you do if you had all these thoughts of awareness and nudity? These waves of clarity and sexiness? These chains of self expression and porn? What would you do if you were me?

I drive for a bit then we stop and buy a Cheri mag. It’s better then Hustler. I miss porn mags. Now that their is internet porn. And don’t worry, there’s actually going to be a use for these mags. But it’s not conceptualized enough in my head to tell you about it yet. I will when it’s ready.

Jon takes over and Zasta is shot gun. Alex is sleeping in the back and I’m 2nd shot gun. I’m watching the Rockies take shape as we approach Kamloops. Tomorrow we play. Again. Sweet.

I feel like drinking nitro glycerin, eating sticks of dynamite and swallowing bullets. It passes with a swig of Jack.

Zasta mentioned the other day that we should have a contest. What would be a good contest? I mean, sure, everyone wants a tee shirt or a badge or poster. But seriously…

Jon had to stop to take a whiz. He couldn’t sit anymore. He was in pain. (see vid). So he stopped by the side of the road. And he didn’t flush. He feels like a new man!

We’re on empty. There was a warning that if you get on this hwy you better have enough to go 150 KM. We’ll see…

We make it to Kamloops and go to eat at East Side Mario’s – Sorry Joe, but that’s the best we can do on this budget. It’s friendly and filled with cute girls.

It’s attached to a mall so after we eat we go and hand out some stickers to get people to the show. We meet two girls who seem cool. But when I said hello I had to tell them that I wouldn’t hurt them before they even looked at me enough. One of ‘em gave me the peace sign. Nice brunette. The other one – a dirty blond chick, says she got banned from Malone’s pub. I don’t believe her though.

Now were off to some place called Sun Peaks Ski Resort. It’s a long way off and a crazy drive in the dark. Zasta is at the wheel. The road just keeps curving and we just keep driving. Eventually we find a little gem of a place in the middle of nowhere.

Manfred – little german dude checks us in. He takes his sweet time so over in the Banyion Alex is thinking that I’m talking to a girl. He comes in only to find Manfred. Needless to say he’s disappointed.

We check in and go up to a nice, clean big room with a cot and two double beds.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 11

I open my eyes. I search for any psycho-residue. Nothing. I’m good.

I wake up. I go for breakfast with Alex. Delicious. He has 17 eggs and eats the chicken who laid them. He likes eggs. Just the whites of course.

I work on the computer in the room. It’s all very regimen and boring.

Jon and Zasta come in to Alex and my room after their breakfast. We move out.

We need to do our laundry (see pic) and there is this cute blonde who I’d love to talk to named Dawn. She laughs for no reason. It makes me like her more.

Alex and me go to get a coffee. We meet a girl named Katrina. There are two other girls there. One of them is a knock out and pregnant. They smell the air when I leave their area. They don’t think I’m looking. They say “It smells soooo good”. They’re talking about my cologne. They see me see then do that and say “Like, that’s creepy sorry.”. I say it’s creepy if you’re not cute. But you’re really cute so it’s not creepty.” I make them giggle. Nice. We get Greek salads and coffees for all of us. And a tea for Zasta. The young mom is totally hot. She’s got that pregnant glow to her. It’s a cliché but it’s the reality of it too. So totally beautiful.

We go to a little museum to send a post card. It costs 4 bucks to get in. It’s a good price and I want to go but I don’t have time.

Alex and me find a sex shop called something like “The Most Tasteful Adult Emporium in the West”. We’re just looking at all the fake pussies and lingerie when this older, but really hot woman serves us. Her name is Shelly. She’s a drummer. I say we’ll fire Zasta and hire her. It wouldn’t be the same – but it’d be fun. I sort of realize in the back of my head that we have time for this but not a museum. What a couple of slutty bastards we are.

Me and Alex go back to laundry. We all finish folding our clothes and leave.
Now we’re in Kamloops.

Drive to Cash Creek and eat Greek. This little place connected to the Sandman Inn. It wasn’t that great. And they over charged on Zasta’s salad. Jon is not feeling well after the lasagna he had. So this place was crap.

Our booking agent got us a spot on the bill for The Prophecy Of War (I’ll get you more info when I do). One show in Montreal and two in TO I think. This is great! Thanks dude. We’re all very anit-war. We were once asked if the Canadian Military could use our songs for a recrutement tape. At first we were like, “Yeah, government money! Sweet”. And then you think about the ethical implications. I wouldn’t want anyone to join the Military because of what we do. We discussed it and we very quickly agreed that we’d never do it. Not for a million dollars. So this – anit-war Art Show – we’re there.

We drive down through the Fraser Canyon. The moonlight is silver ice on everything. It makes me feel alone. We drive in silence. My thoughts are like a river. On the surface their is nothing but under is a raging current. And I’m fucking horny as hell. I think I’m fighting with a depression. Not a huge one. I could right a killer ballad right now.

We get to Chillawack. Stay in the Vedder River Inn. It sucked. Not only because the rooms were stark and cold. And their was no phone or internet. But two drunk coke-heads were scoping out the Banyion so that Jon slept in the Banyion keeping an eye out. Good man that Jon. Not only did he sacrifice his good night sleep for the safty of the gear but he also sold an EP for 5 bucks to one of the crack heads! Ha! One fucking fan at a time!! No problem here.

In the morning we’re up and out of there. We grab an okay breakfast at the Good Earth. The girl who took our order was so lovely. Perfect curves. Great ass, long legs and big tits. We hit the road and go to Vancouver.

My mind is still not itself. I’m fine. A little tired but I’m sooo looking forward to playing tonight. Gotta change the strings. I’ve used them on two shows already and they’re due to be changed.

Long hwy and we finally get down to Richmond where we’re staying. At the Travel Logde. Friendly smiling people. And there waiting for us after 2 years of long work was our CD!!! Holy fuck – It’s art. The poster inside is amazing. The artwork and burning logo – wow! The B&W pic of us on the inside is hypnotizing. This all came together so well. Just like everything we do.

Aiesha – whoa! What a knock-out, asks us for autographs so when we hit it she’ll sell them on ebay. Now this is a girl that’s thinking. I stop thinking with my cock for a bit and just enjoy the moment with my band and our finished work of art. What a great feeling.

In the room 316 – nice spacious and clean – we get on the comps. I call the Biltmore to see what time to be there. 7 is fine. That gives me about 4 hours to do every thing. More than enough time. Sweet.

I’m fucking so goddamn restless inside. I’m not my friend at this point in time.

Here, I have a question. When I have a hard on, does it mean I have to use it, or can I just be in the horny moment indefinitely? There’s something Tantric in here I think. I’ll ask Zasta and get his opinion too. I mean. Sure, if you wait long enough and are sitting with a spike in your drawers, after a while it hurts – that’s where you get the songs that say, “Baby, I feel blue, I really want be with you!” come from. What do you think those guys want? To be cheered up? I think it would be futile to whack off. I do that and I’m back in 2 min. Blow job? Nice, if it’s done well, but kind of unfulfilling unless she brings her friend. Double spit shine! Fuck. No, I mean, sex! Straight up. Boring unless you’re in a relationship for any length of time – am I write girls? I think so too. You know a persons curves and spaces. The moves and sways. Mmm, the smell of sensuality between histories. Yeah, baby, I know how it is. Why would I even think of getting it that way with some strange pussy. I’m not. So what the hell? Rock is rock and rocks are rock.

With this on my mind (more on that later) we pile into the Banyion and go to the show. It’s a place called The Biltmore. Great venue, newly refurbished. It was a really nice show and a great turn out for a Wednesday night, according to the people there who say no one comes out.

The whole night my hands were sticky. I’m sure it was psychotic-residue from these bad dreams I’m having and my need for attention. I think I should be on medication. I’ve thought this before but the tug in the back of my mind is back. Just a little bit of a relaxed state might do me a world of good. I’ll talk to my doc when I get back home.

I sit with the lead singer of Magnus Rising for a bit. We talk biz while Zasta and Jon go for a bite to eat. They bring me back a salad. It’s good. Alex is over there talking with an old friend who moved out here. (see pic).

We played and my guitar cable broke. It happens. Next show I’ll fix it and it will be killer. It didn’t feel good but time will take care of it. I was so busy trying to figure out why the hell my Guitar wasn’t’ working that I didn’t perform my usual best. Excuses, I know. But like I say – next week, we’ll forget all about it. So I go and have a drink with Nicole after we play. She is studying Peace and Conflict and is the bar tender at the Biltmore. She’s very nice.

The other bands were great (it feels good to finally be playing with bands that are high level enough to have their own thing going on) – especially Magnus Rising – Newfoundlanders who’d stab you if you spill their beer – Matt just said so. No, these guys were really great people. I’ve never met a Newfoundlander that I didn’t like. 

In fact – speaking of Newfoundlanders, Kyla, a friend of Magnus Rising and a cute Newfoundlander herself, was nice enough to sit with our merch when we played just in case anyone bought anything – their weren’t many people – but we did sell a few of our new CD’s. That poster inside fucking kicks ass.

Flood of Fire were also good. There influences of Iron Maiden and Judas Priest being very apparent. Energy level at 100%.

We’re going to play with Throttlecaster again in Kamloops. I’m not sure but I think the guy is Swedish or something. He has a strange accent and looks like Jesus if Jesus was cool and drank hard liquor.

Speaking of Liquor I drink a shot with Magnus Rising. I tell them I was Skreetched in years ago when I played St. John’s. “Long my your big jib draw” is what tourists are told to say apparently (I said that too) because Matt said what Newfoundlander’s actually say, when they drink screetch is, “Shut da fook up and drank”. Yeah!

We load up after saying bye to Denver (bouncer) who told us which strip bars are good – 50 bucks to touch a girl! Holy shit! It’s about 10 bucks in Montreal – depending on where you go. I miss Montreal!

We Tetris up the Banyion and head for some food. I soooo want attention. I’m really aware of it – doesn’t help. I still totally want attention!! I’ll throw my tastes at the moment into food – mmmm – Chinese Fast Food next to Duffin’s Donuts! Ohhhh this place rocked my world. They were selling the days left overs (the stuff they didn’t sell at super time) for half price! We ate a feast of noodles, curry chicken and tofu pork for 10 bucks!!! It was amazing. I went for another plate of curry shrimp vermicelli for 4 bucks. We picked at it but couldn’t finish it.

Now I’m sitting here thinking of you baby. I don’t know what to do about this situational self-esteem issue I have. My cable is no indication of who I am but I feel like I’m nothing right now. It’s what I’ve gone through before – my whole life. Years of this shit. I used to drown it in so much. Now I write about it.

And things happen for a reason. I love the idea of being hard on myself in this blog. I love letting you know that I’m a stupid fuck who can’t perform and who sucks ass too. We both know that’s not true. I’m just harder on myself than on anyone I see. In reality, it’s good – but in my head – I’m the worst fucking lame ass performer you’ll ever see. So begins the assassination my own character. I take aim. I shoot. I die. I lay dormant for a moment. And then I’m reborn.

And that’s the key – I had an off night. We all do. We’ll just do it again and it’ll kick ass. That’s how it works.

But don’t worry baby. I’ll be okay. I want attention but I’m getting lots of it knowing that you’re reading this. It keeps me straight and level. Just don’t worry.

It’s 3:30 am.

I’m having relationships with the girls in Hustler Magazine. I’m a slut and that’s all right. PornoZing and a love song!

Good night.