Head Swimming

“TGON is almost finished their 2nd record and you won’t believe the mess they made of their lives to get it done! Vids coming!”

I know, I know. It’s been ages. I’ve been busy dying in ways you wouldn’t believe… Some violently, some beautifully, some without any dignity at all, damn it. But I’m not done with this yet.

I’m not done trying to express to you some truth or piss you off with a controversy. I’m not done reinventing myself. I’m not finished loving, hating, enlightening or damaging you or myself. I’m not done because it matters.

Listen, last month I went out for a drink…

…My head swimming. The music is way too loud and oh so awesome. And there I go, I loose sight of her again. Damn it! It doesn’t always need to be this dramatic, this manic but let’s face it… we’re talking about me. (I’m just like that guy in that movie about that thing that happens just like this) And then I spot her! Look at her… She knows this song. Each gesture and curve of her body reflecting each chord change and down stroke. She loves this song. And she’s slamming into my mind so hard right now it’s like a fix. I need to dance with her; I have got to be near her! She grabs the ridiculous burgundy tie I’m wearing around my neck and pulls. Good for me! But now I’m a dead man hanging there on her gallows. And I don’t see that she’s hanging on at the end of her own rope. Na, right now I’m too selfish about looking into her mad, shining eyes; she could hate you as fast as love everything about you and it’s intoxicating to see. In my head I hear myself say, “Listen, she gives and gives and gives so don’t fuck with it! Do you hear me? Don’t fuck with it!” But her blood, her sex, her life and her love smash my spirit to smithereens. Her warm, naked skin opens and is wounded by a crucifixion of my own making. She is a willing sacrifice; she is crazy, she is out of control, she is my Savior… Then she slices words into me, words that she can’t bring herself to say out loud. She carves them with her nails into my back, onto my shoulders and into my chest; no one will ever get me like she does, no one will ever love me like she does. I know it’s the truth. I know it’s the only truth there is for me. After the song dies, I go and I have a stupid drink at the stupid bar alone, all by my stupid self. She is still dancing and I still hate everything.

But see, I got next to her and for a moment I connected with an extraordinary being. I’m not done with that because it matters.