The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 10

I have a dream about the Banyion driving into a lake. We’re surrounded by people who are so sympathetic. But in my state I don’t feel any comfort from them. I feel abandoned. I feel completely guilty again. For something I didn’t do. My subconscious is once again dicking me around.

PSYCHOTIC EPISODE # 3

Morality is a point of view. I really think if you want to live nice and friendly do good things for people. Be unselfish. Only tell people what they want to hear and shut the hell up if you have something to say. I feel guilty because I’m none of these things. I’m crazy, fucking, Schrecker. Who is making me feel guilty? I am. I’m the one. I’m neither unselfish, or nice. I’m a bad man. And I like bad things. Is this catharsis or a search? Am I setting up situations so I have no choice but to follow through so I will make myself fail my life?

END PSYCHOTIC EPISODE #3

I wake up! Holy shit! What time is check out? I forgot to ask! I’m not paying for another fucking day! Can’t afford it yet. 2X4 to the back of the head and I go back to sleep.

I wake up to Jon’s vibrating fucking phone! This thing makes all my muscles tense. It puts me in the mood for getting some killing done. I ask him to please take it off vibrate from now on. He won’t. He thinks it’s funny. It is.

We get up. We check our emails and move out.

We go next door to a Husky for breakfast. Good solid meal. I have my two pads of peanut butter and we order. Bacon and eggs. Alex has ham. I have three eggs. We both have rye toast but only after Alex hears her offer it to me and not to him. He takes it personally. That she knew it was him so she didn’t offer it. I agreed. I love it when people take things personally like I do. I’m getting really good at not doing that. It’s an excruciating exercise in mental control but it’s worth it if you try.

We talked about the fact that life on the road is taxing both mentally and physically. You have to be a truck driver, a mover, a gear tech, a musician, a performer, a porn star. Then Jon says “And a maid”. I say “what? Why a maid”. Alex says “Cuz you gotta clean shit off the floor!” Ahahahahaha! Awwwww, fuck, I’m a living joke.

We’re driving. Jon is at the wheel. I’m feeling okay. No psychotic stuff today except when I woke up. I guess that means I’m happy. We pass the Banff exit again and we’re off to Lake Louise. (See pix).

Pix or words can do nothing to tell you about the Rocky Mountains of Canada. It’s something that makes sense. That’s all.

We see a sign for Johnston Canyon so we stop. It’s a Canyon. Let’s see it.

We go up a path and hear water falling. Every turn brings us a new more intense beauty. (see pix). Their are two women who are hiking up to the top. Leanne from Calgary and Miki from Japan (she’s leaving in 10 days). Zasta finds a great connection with Leanne. She’s very earthy and Zasta is disposed to this.

They go on ahead and TGON looks at nature. The air is amazing. The water is gorgeous. The sound is inspiring. Heavenly. Zasta say “creation is completely chaotic.”. That’s so true. You look at it’s detail and each thing, say a tree, could be repeated to the exclusion of all else. Perfect order. But one thing is not nature. Many different patterns and things and whatever. It all adds up to everything. I love that. I love EVERYTHING.

The air is over oxygenating us. I don’t believe it – but their is a theory that if you push enough oxygen into your body it will fire synapses that have been dormant all your life. Will this air bring back memories?

I walk with Leanne a bit. I feel she wants to tell me something but she doesn’t tell me a thing. She has piercing blue eyes. Nice body too.

A raven is there (see pic) I learn from him. He says “Whatever, it’s all the way it’s supposed to be, fucker. Look at me – I’m a fucking raven and I know more about how to be me than you. You want to learn. Observe me.”

I’m Schrecker. What does that mean? Hmm. “Whatever, it’s all the way it’s supposed to be, fucker. Look at me. I’m fucking Schrecker and I know more about me than you. You want to learn. Observe me.”.

It was nice sharing the waterfalls with Leanne and Miki. Girls make everything better.

We say good bye from far away. She tells Zasta to look up ravens on the internet. Alex, ahh, our Alex. He says “What, she’s gonna give us a quiz the next time we see her?” Zasta was very happy to have met her.

Lake Louise. Oh my god! This must be the most beautiful lake on the tourist path in Canada. The water is fridged cold – down to 10 C in winter. But the color. It’s the rock flour that the glaciers make over tens of thousands of years of picking up stones and crushing them to dust. When the water melts the dust suppresses all the colors in the spectrum except for the vivid teal color. (see pic).

We walk around it. Incredible. We find a spot and shed the shoes. Got to get in there. It’s horrendous, knife-torture, charnel house of pain for our feet. First it’s Zasta and Schrecker. Then it’s Alex and Jon. We get out feeling the sunshine on our feet. Great!

I get a call about a blog from montreal:

DISCLAIMER and ZEITGEIST

We talk in the lobby of the Splendid Lake Louis about the whole issue of censorship and controversy. Prozac and manipulation. Power and words. Music and life.

We stop at a little restaurant under the mountain at Lake Louise. Inside it’s very log cabin. But it’s the only place that has a plate under 22 bucks so Alex, Zasta and Jon get Buffalo burgers and I get a mountain sized Caesar Salad. Their was such a cute brunette there. Just the kind Zasta likes. Dark, glasses, beautiful. Their was a blond there too. She was very VERY rock and roll. The kind of girl everybody loves! She was standing with her two co-workers (she’s a bartender) so I walk up and say “Hey girls what’s going on”.

I find out that Kate is from Australia. She’s had it after a month of Lake Louise. It does seem a little quiet for a girl like Kate. She wants to go to Winnipeg so we talk about her about being our merch girl (she’s a bombshell so she’d be great at it. We’ll just slap those hotshorts on her and Kerplow! You’d buy anything from her.) We’ll give her a ride and she’ll sell our merch. We’ll see.

We’re done and we move out to Revelstoke. We pull in at the Powder Springs Hotel. The woman at the desk says “You’re a long way from home so we want you to have a rest!” She gives us two rooms – that’s a bed each. Tells us the all you can eat breakfast buffet is included and that the hot tub and Sauna are going to be left open for us to use. All for a room rate. I almost dropped to my knees with gratitude. She also mentions that she books the Mountain Fest there and she’d love to hear what we do. Some people are the salt of the earth. This woman was one of them. If any band needs to stop in Revelstoke stop at The Powder Springs. It’s a workers Hotel and they understand what it means to be away from home. They’re incredible there.

We move into our rooms. Zasta and Jon together. Me and Alex. We head on down to the hot tub (Alex is going to workout a bit first).

This is our first tour. The hot tub drains away the cares. Alex joins us. I tell them about some of my “first tour” experiences. Sitting in a parking lot in North Carolina with no gas in the van and the gig was cancelled due to the bar being closed by the authorities. No sleep. No nothing. Had to track down the owner for 20 bucks for gas.

I snap out of it and I get up to go to the sauna. Ahhh! That feels just fine.

Done. Back in the room. I shower and hit the sack. Great beds. Soft sheets. Clean as a whistle. I grab the computer and write. I sort of remember spelling words 8 times before I realize I’m too tired to think straight.

I fall asleep.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 9

I wake up thinking I’m hiding too much of who I really am from you readers. I think that this is entertainment but it’s also everything I’m going through. It’s defiantly entertaining to me. I still wonder if I’ll make it out of here in one piece. You cannot achieve the aim without suffering. But that sucks man ass too.

Time to check out and get Alex a sleeping bag at Canadian tire. We’ll get him it on the way to Banff. We all load up the Banyion and I take the keys to the front desk.

Their’s no one there. I say…”Hello?” When this beautiful woman named Melanie appears before me. “Ahhhh!” I say. And she starts laughing because she scared the shit out of me. She says “I’m sorry for scaring you!” I say “It’s funnier than you think!”. Besides she’s too pretty to hold anything against.

Jon lost his glasses and needs to buy a pair. We do this without a problem. I buy a cigar and we go. Speaking of losing things I notice that something’s not there. Something’s gone… missing.

My Flipcam. We try to look everywhere but we have to stop. Zasta says we should stop in LeDuc just in case we can’t find it – it might be at the bar.

We stop and find everything. Yay! We’re ecstatic.

We see a turn off for Wetaskawin. This town is all about raking the tailings. That’s a machinist term for cleaning up after your done –I think. Alex knows.

At the Canadian Tire; for Alex and his sleeping bag. We see Alex he looks happy now that he’s got his new sack with him. But he brings out Charlie who he happened to bump into. We say hello and she wishes us a great trip. She’s very bouncy. Nice.

Now we’re all hungry. When this band gets hungry we all become cranky. We’re still civil to each other but soon we’re going to knife fights to the death if we don’t get grub.

Their’s a Smitty’s. This place will do. We walk in and there are 6 of the cutest girls you’ve ever seen standing at the cash. What, are they a family? They could be. One of them asks me if my piercing hurt. She’s going to get one done. I say “It hurt like a bitch. You better be wasted when you get it done…” She gets us coffee.

Smitty’s is a great breakfast place. They give you a lot and it tastes great. And in Wetaskawin – it’s probably the best looking waitresses in the West. Of course, pretty is pretty and these girls make me feel old. Which is fine cuz I’m going to see mountains and if we don’t see any mountain men I’m going to strip down and run around the woods saying “Gold! I found gold! Eehhhhhheeeeeeee!” Maybe knock out a tooth or two.

We enter the mountains and we’re done. Oh my fucking god! We’re all slack jawed dumb with it. And I’ve been here tons of times. I say “this is just the outer rim, wait!” There’s a sexual connotation in there but the majesty of the mountains is majestic – anus!!!

I don’t have to take my clothes off and run around in the woods! We see Jake the Mountain man.

Actually I say, when we approach a particularly majestic, majestic mountain “Look at that mountain, man!” Jon says “Fuck!” And I say “No look at that mountain man!”

The Myth Of The Mountain Man

There are mountain men and mountain women. Mountain women are Amazonian Canadian girls, mostly brunettes who have opted out the pansie modern world and have made a Utopia, a Shangri-La of pulchritude in the far reaches of the Rockies. But to keep their tribe of vixen alive they come down to Banff (cuz that’s were we’re going now) and kidnap 4 men (cuz that’s how many we are) to go and impregnate all the tribe members. When they are done they bring you back to civilization and send you on your way with a knitted sweater and their old panties. It’s a sweet deal.

Now there’s all kinds of social hierarchy in their tribe and they all have synced their cycles so their’s sweaty cage matches at least once a month but that’s not important to hear about just now.

What IS important to hear about – and the point of all of this is…

Every so often a guy, with stars in his eyes and a boner in his pants, goes off looking for said mythical Canadian tribe of sex pots. They never return. But, so the story goes. One or two did get there and see with their own eyes the fabulous events of tribal ritual and girl on girl action. But he was never able to participate. He was, in essence, teased to insanity. He became feral. Running through the woods waving his genitals at anyone he saw. Thus Jake the Mountain Man was born.

So ends the Myth of the Mountain Man.

We go to Banff. What a city. Geezuz! The beauty of this little place. Zasta seems like he’s in heaven. He’s been here before too so his memories are great. And now he is very much in the now.

We want to eat. We go to the very place Zasta had played when he was here before. Wild Bill’s. It’s a rock and roll place with a great kitchen. And it’s big and spacious. We need to play here.

Our waitress is Amy. Elle vient de Montreal!!! Ahhh, how we all miss the girls of our town. She makes us home sick. We eat – Jon has Elk and says it’s FUCKING AWESOME.

Jena is another waitress there. She’s sweet. And then their’s Zasta’s favorite – “Long Torso Sally” which we quickly start singing.

Jon says he’s homesick. Yeah bro me too. But the best way to combat that – kill brain cells. I’ve been trying for years to kill all of mine. I seem to only have jumbled them up a whole fucking lot.
We’re all restless. Maybe you’re starting to get the pattern of behavior we have. When we get this way – we need to play. But tonight, we’re going to Aurora. A club in Banff. But first we need to get our hotel.

It’s called the Big Horn Inn. Ha! Couldn’t have been better named. And the family who owns it are sooooo nice. They saw that we were four guys and instead of giving us the ubiquitous two big beds and a cot (there is a very formal rotation amongst Zasta, Jon and Alex as to who gets the cot) they gave us “THE PARTY ROOM”. Those are the words of the sweet Indian lady who owns the place with her husband. This is great.

We walk in and KAWOW!!! The place is huge. Three double beds and a single (Zasta gets that cuz he came in last). Kitchen, bathroom! Fantastic. We’re all feeling very energized. On the other side of the front window is a majestic mountain. Whoa! Majestic!

We pimp ourselves up. We put on our Grills! Now, their are poser bands who have the current haircuts or the pedo bands who look like they’re 15 or at least trying to look like they’re 15. The Gods Of Now are guys in a band and have taste. We dress and look the part. There is nothing fake here. We are men who play heavy music. We have scars, tats, piercings and a defined image. We are who we are. And now we’re going out.

To Banff.

We go to Aurora.

INTERESTING THING YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU’RE GOING OUT TO A CLUB IN ALBERTA:

They need a valid I.D. – and they WON’T accept a health card. Umm. Why? I can’t tell you. But our Alex doesn’t carry around his passport – (you can hear him shouting in the back ground: “I’m in Canada dumb ass!”), nor does he have his driver’s license. So – he can’t get in. What??? The bouncer doesn’t actually ask anyone for their age, just their I.D. card.

The bouncer won’t budge. I don’t blame him. I ain’t paying him 20 bucks and he doesn’t have a context for us. If he heard the music he’d open the door. I’m okay with it. We send Jon and Zasta in to scope the joint to see what’s what. I’m with Alex and we go down the street to some upper floor lounge type thing. Boring. We leave.

Jon and Zasta went and looked in Aurora and said it looked great. But if we weren’t going… I told ‘em they should go see who they could meet. Alex agreed. It’s only one street after all, if we get lost or it gets late we’ll either be here or in the Banyion.

Alex and me go to a pub where guys (too young to be old and too old to be cool) were playing shitty music. Alex is upset that it’s cuz of him we’re not in Aurora’s. Fuck, if my night is made or broke by going to a club I’d put salt in my eyes. I tell him it’s nothing. There’s going to be a shit load of clubs better than that one by the time we’re dead.
Listening to the band I wish I was dead right now. I shake my head at Alex. He doesn’t even know what I’m thinking (or does he) and he says “This band is fucking awful”. And we talk about the irony of the situation. This band sucks balls and we’re listening to them and THEY are getting paid to play. This is an unjust world. And this is the way it is. Life has such a fucking amazing sense of fucking humor! This makes me think of starving and hurting people all over the place. The tortured world we live in. I can live with the injustice of the music biz. It’s so fucking small, comparatively speaking.

We are soooo on. Our job as performers is to push out our selected vibe. We’ve selected a vibe here tonight. I can think of about 20 girls that I know personally who would have cum just sitting beside us. Guys were literally pulling girls away from us as they walked towards us to talk. Geeze dude, why don’t you just piss on her.

JON FACT #2

He likes blonde girls with pony-tails and glasses.

Alex and I get sick of Crappy The Jug band playing at the pub and walk down the street and find a rocker bar. This is better. More out of control. Everyone seems to be a stoner or the girlfriend of a stoner. Alex and I think we should have a band at this point so I go and get Jon and Zasta.

I go to Aurora. The bouncer remembers me and lets me through the line. I go up the stairs and see the cute blond coat check girl. I say I need to grab my two friends. I give her my I.D. and go in.

Oh fuck. I feel like I’m one of these kiddie’s dad. “HilaryAshlyBeckyJennyKatelyn! get your 13 year old ass out of here and into the car! And cover up that ‘My daddy fucked me and I liked it” tee shirt!

Geeze – this is the polar opposite world to the one I live in. I’ve been invited to and went to Madonna’s club in NYC, I’ve played Aerosmith’s club in Boston, I’ve been to the best Industrial Goth club in Detroit (the vampires in there!!!) no less – none of those made me feel like I was creepy. But this was like walking into a Disco Daycare. The I.D. forging business must be thriving in Banff.

I find the guys. They both look at me and say “They’re all little kids! We’re just coming to you guys.”. They did meet a bunch from Montreal. And the service girls were smoking hot. But it’s pointless. Board and boring all together. YAY!

I come back up to the top of the stairs to get my I.D. back from the blonde coat checker. She says “Did you find your band?” I’m not surprised that she asks this. I pretty much knew that Jon and Zasta would’ve already spotted this one. (see vid) Spreading the word about The Gods Of Now comes normally. I introduce myself and then leave.

We go back to see Alex. He’s sitting with his ale. Ha! We sit down and everyone who was all around us move to one side of the bar. We think we should keep moving closer until everyone is all piled up on each other in one corner.

We meet girls. We always meet girls cuz we love ‘em and treat them well. We’re in love with the feminine vibe! I’m not in this anymore though. Their’s redhead and Indie-music girl (see vid) and this hot Rihanna-looking chick. They wanted us to go with them to Aurora – oh no, that’s not for me. I pull back from it and smoke my cigar. It feels very good being here at this moment. The Indie-Girl is all “Ohmygawd you guys are an indie band. Indie bands rock cuz that’s where the talent is you know!” I agree with everything she says but she doesn’t have a shut off. (see vid). She plays guitar. She’s wearing a very nice dress.

I watch them trying to get Alex past bouncer Nazi guy. I shake my head. I want to play. It’s always soooo much better when I’m playing. Okay, I’m bored. I want to go.

We move out without a goodbye. No friends here. Just experience. That’s okay. That’s more than okay.

I’m driving and thinking about how classic it is. A heavy band with a PARTY ROOM and no one to party with. But then I remember. We’re not here to party. We are the party. We need to view what’s around us so we can push it back out to people. All experience is necessarily life changing. Even the little things make up the big things. We are about to deal with our cosmic place. Our position in the universe. The Universe in front of us.

“Okay, we’re stopping now”. I stop the Banyion under the open Universe. Suspended by void. We are in darkness and light is above us. Like being deep in an ocean and looking up to the sun shining off the surface. We stand there.

Jon, Alex and Zasta (who are a little drunk) will not stop talking. They fill the silence with shouts and phrases of awe. I love it! This is human expression at it best. The universe is pushing us all to the ground. The light is continuous. Pure. A million years of creation thrown at us each second that passes by. Jon is pointing out stars and planets. Names in French. Names I’ve never heard before for star clusters I’ve known my whole life. It makes them all brand new. We are standing on the edge of All creation.

Insignificance of existence. We are nothing and a bag of chips. We are not alone in this. It is impossible. There must be some group of aliens called “lsdkfj” who are looking at the sky from their planet wondering why they have a PARTY ROOM but no party.

We get back in the Baynion dizzy with the air and the fucking point of this. Just to exist is enough. Like starlight we are here. Enjoy it.

We’re hungry. That’s what you get for existing. We go get pizza at Domino’s in Canmore. We have a collective Violent fantasy about being bored. It translates itself into Jon unplugging the “Open” sign. Poor guys are gonna be wondering why their is so little foot traffic coming in.

There are three stoners in there with us. They eat way too much greasy food and look like they’re gonna be heading to Vancouver in the next couple of years. They think it’s cool we’re in a band. They go outside and scope the Banyion. Me and Alex go out and they run off. Little fuckers. Hilarious.

On the way back to the room with the pizza. Domino’s is good road pizza – especially at night in the middle of the Rockies. Recommended. On the way we talk about the next level. The bigger Banyion. Having a driver. Tom – the ultimate wing man goes out for Pizza and comes back with 6 girls. Oh yeah. I make the simplest and most profound statement I’ve ever made. I say “It’s easier when someone else does it for you”.

We get back. We eat the pizza and Jon tells us that there’s a Super Volcano under North America and if it blows (which it could at any minute) we’re all magma. It has a pleasant little name called Yellowstone. Yeah, thanks Jon.

Good night.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 8

I wake up. Alex is leaving fast “I’m going to work out.” Zasta is looking at me saying “There’s shit on the floor.” Hmmm. I puked but I didn’t birth a turd! I’m amazed (not that I’ve never left an uncooked peroggie on the floor before – but I usually remember!) . Who’s shit was this? Was it me? Did I do that? This is the perfect opportunity to use all the tools I’ve been learning in my therapies. So I exercise my new decision making skills. No ambivalence about the log on the floor. “Okay!” I say laughing so hard I feel like pinching another loaf right here, “I’ll own it. But I part of me still thinks someone ran in here crapped on the floor and then left right away!”. What the hell is wrong with me!??

I’m writing this by the pool outside the room and I hear “Ahhhhh!’ from inside. I shake my head…“What did I do now?” I think to myself.

I go and look. There’s a brown smudge on Alex’s running shoe! Oops. I slowly back away from the door.

Damn, what a fucking life. The moral of the story? I have no fucking clue – you tell me.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 7

Day 7

I wake up in a panic. How the hell can the night guy pay for parking when he has to put the ticket on the dashboard INSIDE the Banyion – he doesn’t have the key.

I throw my clothes on and tear downstairs. God this place stinks! The woman at the front (the one is Russian and her accent is killer) is very friendly but can’t help me out with the parking. Thankfully the Banyion is still there!

But really, I can’t take this. I call and see if we can do something. I go back to the hotel and wait for the new. God this place is a dive. I hate the vibe here. And the smell is pathetic. Too bad because the service people are good people.

The call comes and we’re out of there The Hotel is very cooperative. They say no problem just be out by check-out. That’s in 15 min!!!. I explain the situation – new news too… The show tonight has been postponed until the 15. That’s better than playing to noone so that’s cool. Then I say we’re moving hotels. And we have to be out in 15 min. so grab your stuff.

Alex is up and packing. Zasta and Jon are asking where we’re going and are we going to eat – “You’re still in bed!!!!!” I say trying to hit home the urgency of the situation. They spring into action. We’re out in about 4 min.

On the way to the New Hotel we pass by a few breakfast places. Everyone wants to stop to eat. We call out the places as we pass ‘em. Only one sticks in our collective consiousness. The Sandman in West Edmonton. I like the area – hotels roam free, restaurants and Grills (Pete’s, Mike’s, Bob’s, Moxy’s) meet, fuck and have little hotel’s and restaurants. I go to get us checked in.

The Lobby is impressive. Very tasteful and modern. I see the clerk – hot-as-hell Japanese girl who tells me her name is Yan. Oh my God!!! Her Japanese accent could kill. Amazingly pretty girl. She reminds me of my Japanese friend Asako and makes me miss her. Yan is sooo beautiful and has an even nicer personality than that!

She checks us in and I go back out to the boys in the band. We park and pile into the hotel room. It’s smaller than the Stank Hotel we were just in but this one smells like a hotel. Clean, inviting. That smell makes me sleepy and I like it. A knock. Service guy brings us the cot we asked for. Zasta’s turn to sleep on it – everyone enjoys the sleep alone. Unless you’re holding a girl who is soft, pliable and great to fuck it is not a nice thing to sleep with another. I keep sing the song “I don’t like to sleep alone” in my head. I wonder if anyone knows who wrote that song… It sucks but it stays with you.

We’re all hungry – it’s a pattern of behavior we cannot help so we make a fantastic event out of it. We once again pile into the great cocoon of the Banyion and go hunting for food. We all remember just one place. What was the name, “Zip’s,” or “Paft’s”. Hap’s!!! That’s what it was. We go in. All old people – it must be good. Oh! It is. This must be either an unknown eatery or a very well known one but I’d say this has got to be Edmonton’s best breakfast place. We eat and are entirely satisfied.

Alex is in a mood – so is Zasta. But polar opposites.
Now, lets establish something here. Jon (see pic) is a rock. He is always happy. If he isn’t he’s quiet about it until it passes. He’s always pleasant and fun. If something happens negatively he will ALWAYS find the humor in it. He is very important to us. Zasta (see pic) is a Rockstar. He would order Tiger milk and berries that only grow on the left slope of Mount Flippanwapommie if he could. Lately he is very low key. He is centered in a way I haven’t seen in him yet. It’s very comforting to be around. (I guess I don’t need to tell you about myself – you’re getting a pretty good mental picture – see pic.). Alex (see pic) is volatile. But more than that, he’s the guy you want with you when the chips are down. Plus you want him around cuz he is a show and a half all by himself but when he’s moody (usually if he’s sleepy or tired) get out of the way.

Today Zasta is above us. Not in a snobby way at all. Just more Zen “shhh…” than the Zasta “Whoa!”. Alex is hateful towards himself. He snaps durning moments that he is unlovable or that no one loves him. I know the feeling. I still say to him “What is your problem” when he blurts out “Yeah well, I hate myself”. I think the way I asked him was too harsh. I actually meant to say, “tell me what the problem is” but it came out more “Shut up, I’ve got my own issues”. I do but come on, we’re in the band and that makes us brothers, if he’s hurting we’re all hurting – or he’s gonna hurt us – which ever it needs to be recognized.

We go back to the hotel and find the pool and hot tub. The gym too! Alex works out – blows off the negative hate energy. I see it on his face as he’s enjoying himself. Me and Jon do about 14 seconds of weights and go to the hot tub.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! That is good! It all just melts away… shhhh, I’m relaxed…hot tubs are like lovers. You love all of them but some are, well, special. This one I would marry. She takes it all. She cares for me. Every thing I do she loves. She wants. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shhh. Quiet.

SPLASH! The jarring cold of a pool. Yeah! Fuck yeah!

Out to Dinner and then the West Edmonton mall. Alex wants Steak. We stop at Moxy’s on the corner of Jasper and 170th. If you are in Edmonton – go here! As soon as we walk in we are hit in the head with the blond that seats us. As soon as we’re seated we’re fucking killed by Laura’s eyes. Grey like a wolf. Gorgeous. I have the Salmon the guys have the New York Steak. They love it – except for Alex. He says it’s nervy. Zasta and Jon think it’s great. The Salmon is great.

I also order a Jack straight. I told the guys to help me get through a week without drinking. That was 3 and a half days ago. I’ve convince myself that, because it’s Friday, I made it. I didn’t. But not reaching the goal brought me an insight. I asked the guys to help me, that was my mistake. I would never make it. Even if they tied me up I’d still find a way to get a drink. And it’s not the J.D. that is the problem – it’s foisting my responsibility for my own actions onto other people – even if they are the band. I sabotaged myself before I even made the goal I didn’t reach.

Zasta feels that he needs to point out the fact that for him “You didn’t reach the goal you set for yourself”. This is an obvious statement that had no malice in it. He just felt he needed to say it. I wasn’t hurt by it but I did ask him why he needed to say it. I think it was his subconscious that is way to hard on himself brimming over onto me. This is purely speculation and you’re welcome to share what you think, but remember Zasta is in a mood – he is defiantly going through something intensely personal. He holds himself like a racehorse straining to get out of the gate. If he sees someone fail or, in my case, not reach a set goal, wouldn’t he view this through his current introspection about himself? You tell me.

I LOVED the drink. It was perfect with the meal. Alex, Jon and Zasta all commented that Schrecker has clicked into party mode. I have. I want to be social. I want attention. I want to play. But the last and most lustfilled one I can’t do so I have to settle for getting attention. That’s easy enough. Laura, with a name tag that says Leigh, is zeroed in on. Make her laugh. Get her talking. Soon they’re all buzzing around us. Soon I’m getting attention. I know we’ll be back for a drink and tell them all so.

Now it’s the West Edmonton Mall.

This is less of a mall than it is a whacked out coliseum for the big head corporations to look on and cheer as the poor bored fuckers blow their minds on stuff no one needs at all.

I love it! Rollercoaster! (see pic) A fucking sick-ass amusement park – in the damn building. We can’t even find our way out of this part of the mall. A cute high-school girl with braces leads us to the shops. Thanks.

It’s too much! I love that feeling – you don’t know where to focus – what was I looking for? I can’t remember anything I need to buy. But I know I need to buy something – every part of this mall is SCREAMING at me that I need to buy something – But what do I need! I need all of it. And I need all of it NOW!!!

We go shoping for a hat for Jon (see pic) a new hat, sunglasses (he wants them to make him look like an asshole, more-so) and vest for Alex. Zasta buys a nice yoga style vest.

I need to buy a few things so I go off on my own and we set a time to meet at the roller coaster. I run off and find myself in a shope being helped by this awesome girl named Tiagan. I’m looking for a pair of jeans. But the sizes are really small. Like for kids. Tiagan says she takes a size 14!!! Then she says she has a baby at home! Oh my god! This girl is smoking hot and a mom! Even hotter! I say good bye and she says I’m cool. I have that Prince song going on in my head “I could never take the place of your man,”. “Stormy last June when her old man went away. Left her with a baby and another one on the way…” What a fucking song!!!

I walk to meet the guys. I’m owning everything here. It’s all mine. It’s all me. It’s me. Me. I see The Gods Of Now. I’m suddenly very small. These guys are fucking rockstars. You can see it from a mile away. Fucking Gods. They aren’t faking this. They aren’t stupid about it. It is totally natural. It’s like it’s shining from them. We watch the coaster go around – insanity. Then we leave.

We go back to the Hotel. I want attention. I’m missing attention. We get dolled up and walk to Moxy’s which is on the corner. This time it’s to drink. I’ve decided. No ambivalence about this one.

We hit the lounge and it’s the game everyone knows and some love – me it’s a fucking time fuck and fun. All the girls from earlier are there and we drink, do shots and have fun. Sarcastic Girl is there. There’s always one. She calls us the Back Street Boys. I tell her she’s Hitler in the body of a PornStar. I get her a shot anyway, her and Laura. But if your having a drink with me it’s Jack or I gotta know some shit. So they don’t want Jack. I say “Who ever takes it up the ass doesn’t have to drink Jack – raise your hands.” The girls all raised their hands. Hmmm.

We drank. And drank. And drank and drank. Gabbie the hostess who will be 18 in 7 days couldn’t. But she’s French (and so is the DJ on the patio) so we give her all kinds of attention! Then the manager Alex-the-manager shows up and is a huge rock fan. Stu the bar tender hooks us all up. Great time all round. Our Alex leaves earlier – we leave soon after – but we closed the joint out. Goodnight Laura. She wants to know when I’m comeing back. Tomorrow? No, I say. We’re playing. That’s the way it is. They all have a great story and they’ll spreak the word about partying with the boys from TGON.

What a whirlwind we are. We blow in and everyone has a party. Spontaneously. Fanning the flames. It’s our job. We need to play.

We stagger back to the room. I throw-up in the toilet. Rock and Roll tastes like puke. I crawl into my bed “That’s the stuff” I say. And I’m done.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 6

Before we get to Saskatoon we stop for gas. Jon wants to buy a zippo lighter. Everyone should have one, I buy a Hustler – Wait! Hold on! I buy it cuz it’s funny and political. I like to read it. Oh, and I don’t know if you know this but in the magazine they have these naked bitches that look fucking awesome showing off their little cookies! But that’s not why I bought it.

We find the Hotel. The Ramada. It’s nice. Better cuz the night guy is whack stoned. He can barely stand up. He can’t remember how to do anything and has to call his boss. He finally gets me checked in but with the wrong credit card. I’ll deal with it in the morning. I like the guy tho. Flawed people are real people.

We get into the room.

Zasta and Jon go down to the lounge to do some computer work. They meet a very drunk man who says “I tried to have some pussy in my face but the girl she called me a piece of shit!”. Well, let me rephrase my statement I made about flawed people… Maybe I don’t like them so much. Or more to the point – there’s flawed and then there’s crack-head.

I stay in the room to do my work. I’m restless tho. There’s a lot that goes through your mind and trying to sort it out isn’t easy. Especially because of my therapy, I have to deal with things as they come – I need to recognize what I’m doing and use tools to analyse it.

I’m online and I go and check out Kristie’s myspace page. She’s photogenic. Then I read her blog about her time in Europe. She says that she has time to think what with the three days of train travel she’s doing. God, I understand. This is Day 6 and my head is exploding. My inner dialog is less a dialog as it is a screaming match. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, dirty or clean, healthy or unhealthy. This is Life or Deth. I win either way.

We have three days of playing coming up. All in a row. The guys come back to the room and I go to sleep.

Psychotic Episode #1

I care little for what is around me right now and not just because I’m asleep. I wake up thinking I’m drunk. “Did I drink that whole bottle of Jack?”. I try to remember what I did. Panic. That feeling of Veins On The Stairway telling me about the damage I’ve done. But I didn’t do anything. Did I? I’m always the one doing something. A good story comes out of it – but I have to live with it. I toss and turn. I remember things that would make anyone wake up screaming. Things I did. God, I hate this exorcism of the subconscious. My subconscious is clearly a fucking jerk. Wants me to twist with it. Fine. Nail me on the cross you creep. I’ll take it. I own what I am. I’m here. But I didn’t do anything wrong – at least not last night.

That’s it! I’m awake now. Thank you, you subconscious fuck. Thank you very much.

Psychotic Episode #1 is over.

I’m feeling pretty good. Showered. Emailed everyone and packed up. This is when Jon and Zasta tell me about Mr. Drunk Shit Head guy who wanted pussy on his face. Can’t blame him but he should clean up his act a bit. I head down to the Banyion to put my bags in. I walk back in the Hotel and go to the counter. I have to straighten out the mess Stoner-Joe made last night with the credit cards.

Brekk is there. I see her name tag. She has such a pretty face. But behind it there’s some mutha fucken huge pile of rocks that she’s building into a nice wall. She straightens the credit card mess all out for me in two seconds. So nice. I ask her about her name. She says, looking at anything but me, that it’s Scandinavian. This face she has. It’s like beautiful glass breaking before my eyes. Maybe that’s why I think she’s so pretty. Anyway there are some lines of travel you can’t follow even though you know that they’d fuck you up.

I see Jon outside. I join him and we go to the Banyion. It’s covered in wasps. Is there a fucking nest in the damn thing? I kick the front hood. A cloud of ‘em come out just as Alex shows up. We’re all dancing around deeking out the wasps. Alex makes the very astute comment that “It’s hard to look cool running away from wasps.” But I think his bigger truth to that statement is that bugs are cooler than humans. This is again exemplified when we find a fuzzy bear caterpillar that’s all yellow. Jon says we found Alex in caterpillar form. The little guy is yellow but does remind us an awful lot of our Alex. Caterpillar-Alex was crossing the street so we picked him up and put him in a tree. If Caterpillar-Alex is anything at all like our Alex he’ll say “Fuck you, pal, I didn’t ask to be put up here in no fucking tree. Take me down. Now!” I left him there swearing at me and calling me “Pal,” in his little bug voice.

I have a great idea. I’ll buy some bug spray and bomb the front engine where the wasps are having a fucking party. Then we project ourselves to the highway after I do the said deed. The wasps are no longer there. The insecticide has worked. And it is now filling the interior with enough harmful chemical that we all start nodding off. And we sail into the ditch.

On second thought, let the fuckers live.

We pile in and drive off. We forget we were ever there.

We’re hungry and we stop at Thomas The Cook Family Resaurant. I want breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day. We walk in. The place smells like turpentine. That’s not pleasant to eat in. I know, I’ve done it before. Everything starts tasting like poison and then your head starts spinning and for some reason you want to start fucking a chair. Not cool first thing in the morning. The hostess… (yes she was a cute one too but I just feel I have to say that her ass was remarkable) says we can try the lounge where it didn’t smell like turpentine. We walk in and it has the overwhelming odor of cleaning solvents that all bars use. To a heavy music band – this is not were you want to eat breakfast. We get up and find another spot in the restaurant tucked away in the back but not in the lounge. Here it smells like food. Nice.

Civilians obviously eat breakfast before 11 am because that’s the time when it’s served up until in all these joints. Fuck. But our waitress who is very nice (nice means too old to actually comment on – how fucking sexist is that? I’m going to have to deal with these issues soon!) tells us we can order breakfast for an extra 2 bucks a plate. Breakfast is worth it. So yes we do it. Alex and Jon have steak. They think it’s fantastic. Too good for steak sauce. Zasta and me have eggs. They’re FUCKING AMAZING BRILLIANT LOVE-COKED BANG ‘ER-ASS CRAZY GOOD. Actually they’re eggs. Nothing more, nothing less. We eat and leave.

Filled up and now I’m sitting up shot-gun while Zasta is driving towards Edmonton. He is in a relationship with the wind. She pushes him too hard sometimes. We all see that. But we’re his band – we’re here for him to complain to. Sometimes I see it tho. She pushes him to the right. Then to the left. She’s got a mind of her own. What can I say? Nothing.

The view is really inspiring. Gold fields of wheat, a small depression where a river (the Sask. River if I’m not mistaken) winds it’s desperate search, shocks of cloud, haze like some giant took a rag across a billowy white one and smeared it because of some mistake. Tufts of trees like the perfect Brazilian trim on a gorgeous pussy – Okay! There I go again. Pussy on the brain…

…I’m going to figure this out. I look out the window just now and I see the land curve up and down like the curve on the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Should I even try to fight this? Why can’t the highest level of human evolution, of beauty, creativity, spirituality and passion be, in my opinion, embodied in a woman? They’re fun to play with, they’re amazing to love and I can’t survive without feminine energy. But there’s something else… I don’t know what – maybe magic? It goes very deep. Like sex.

This fucking road were on! Feels like I’m on top of some fucking razor blade cutting into a snowy mountain. The wheels are turning like my fucking ideas and perverted dreams of you. Every moment that ticks by is one closer to detonation. I have to cut a wire but my wires are crossed. Baby, what am I supposed to do? What the fuck would you do.

I’ll tell you – you wouldn’t be here. It’s too fucking wrecked.

…

I ask Alex to say “WaaaaaWaaaa!” Like he does to snap me out of my mood. He yells from the back like the asshole he pretends to be that “No one tells me what to fucking do!!!” He means it. The tension he creates is exactly what I needed to snap out of my mood – but then I realize I’m falling into the same trap I always do – I give the responsibility of my moods, actions and ultimately my behavior to others. It’s not up to Alex or anyone else to snap me out of my mood – it’s my thoughts that say that. Hard to recognize this in the moment. But I do and I kick myself for falling into that trap.

Few blows to the day – that has to be remembered. It’s just that moment of the day that sucks – not everything. We drive up to the Tap House in St. Albert AB. It’s in a strip mall that reminds me of America. Sacramento. Where the edge of cities started. No one knows what the hell is going on. No one knows about US!! Do you believe that?

We’ll see if the booking and PR get better – it is just the beginning of the tour and the live life for TGON but seriously what the fuck? I’m paying people to book and to tell the press and anyone else for that matter to spread the word about TGON – we’re not even listed in the local paper. We’re booked in nowhere land and we play to a full house of imaginary friends. They all love it. Can’t wait to have us back.

Little tattooed girl named Sheena is there. Guys are knocked out. But I guess St. Albert is happy with itself and the people are happy with it. It’s good to see such secure people that they don’t need to be nice to anyone other then those who they know…

That’s not exactly fair tho, Gordon the sound guy is an old music lover who is nice as you could want. He reminds me of a mechanic who has to break the news that the tranny is going to cost you 5000 bucks. He tells us the venue had no clue we were even playing. He enjoys himself watching us and talking gear shop with us.

Went to Hotel downtown. It’s called the Days Inn. Smells like Diapers and cabbage! It’s a hole! I hate it. The night guy is queer and hilarious. Keeps on pushing us to hang with him. Yeah, don’t think so glammer-clown. He’s really nice tho and helps us with the parking – which is in the lot across the street cuz the Banyion is to tall to fit underground.

It costs and he tells me that he’ll look after it in the morning for me.

We want a little bite to eat so we figure we’ll look around Edmonton before we hit the hey. It doesn’t yield anything but delirious laughs and a feeling of exhaustion.

We go back to the room and sleep.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 5

I wake up shower and tell Zasta (who had a long night) that I’m going for breakfast at Stella’s again. He can join me later when he wakes up. I grab the key and walk across the hall to the other room. Knock.

Hmmm, I’m thinking. When the door opens what will I find? What would I like to find? What have the boys been up to?

Ka-ZING!!! Cute girl opens the door. I vaguely remember her talking about bed bugs in the elevator from the night before. I thought – she’s not one of the “girls with the band”. I say hello and she tells me her name. Laura. (see pic)I look at Laura and say “You’re the only one here?” She smiles cutely. Turns out she’s in a band and just needed a place to crash. She’s no groupie.

I say to Alex who, by the way has not slept one second of the night (it’s now 10am) that I’m going for breakfast. He says “Yeeeeaaahhh, I’m coming.” Jon is in the other bed waking up with a bottle of JD in his arms. He’s gonna sleep. Surprise! I turn around and there’s Tom on the sofa. “I’m in.” I have a feeling Tom is always “in”. One of the things I like about the guy.

I say to Laura “Do you want to come for breakfast?” She says “If I’m allowed.” I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. I don’t care what she’s talking about. “I’ve got no problem with ya so sure you can come.” She’s happy about that.

We all eat. Stella’s is a fine place to have a breakfast. Then it’s time to load up and leave.

Loading up is a game of Tetris. Laura says we should play the theme song from the game when we do this. It’s a good idea. It would make a hilarious Utube vid. So while the guys are bring out the stuff I watch wasps buzzing around the van eating the dead bugs on the windscreen and looking at Laura talking to Hollie, the maid we played to the day before in our rooms. She a funny girl with a killer body. She really is, as Zasta put it, “A perfect human female to reproduce with.”

Time to say good-bye. I give Hollie the Montreal two-cheek kiss. She holds her cheeks and says “Oh my god! No one has ever done that to me before.” She’s cool. Then it’s good-bye to Tom and Laura after taking a bunch of pix (see pix). We pile in the Banyion fire up it’s spirit and turn to the West. We stop at Mother’s Music to buy a couple of cables and some wheels for Jon’s cab. Hit a food store for some fruit and vegetables and end up helping this old lady decide between Diet Sprite and Diet 7Up. We got her the Diet 7UP cuz we couldn’t find the Sprite. She was happy. Doesn’t matter the age – we always please women.

We then hit the road. The flat Prairies. Green still but harvest colors are everywhere. So much space. So flat. So straight. No wonder there’s a work ethic so strong in these here parts. If you don’t work you’d shoot yourself. Up at sunrise and to bed when you’re too tired to do anything else. Wow. These are strong people who live out here.

At this point Alex became extremely, how would we put this? Cranky..? He didn’t sleep and was in the back with his old Walkman with a relaxation tape inside. I was driving. WHAM!! I hear. Zasta, Jon and I look at each other… WHAM!!!! WHAM!!! Alex is tweaking! He’s smashing his Walkman against his bass cab shattering it’s last legs. (See pic). It’s now a road trophy. Hmmm, maybe we’ll sell it on ebay. The God of Wrath’s own smashed Walkman.

We eat at East Side Mario’s in Regina. The social atmosphere of Saskatchawan is great. Gonna love playing here on the way back. Food is good too. Now onto Saskatoon. Pretty name for a pretty city.

Gotta find out where the Ramada Golf Hotel is. Then we can sleep.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 4

The Osbourn Village Hotel is VERY rock ‘n roll. (see vid)Aside from the Hotel part there is a restaurant (hamburgers and fries type deal) and two salle de spectac. The small one is called Ozzy’s and the big one is called The Zoo. The big room is where the whole complex gets it’s name.

Zasta is sick. He hates being sick and he wears it very plainly. His throat is a mess. Alex has a pretty good headache but it goes away fast. The miracle of drinking Jack. Jon is fine. I’m simmering. We go to a breakfast place called Stella’s. This is a good place. Not only is the Bread Pudding AMAZING but the breakfasts are good. We eat and feel better. We want to rehearse so we do it with just our axes, Zasta plays a chair which actually is quite musical. He bows out for a moment to see if a clinic can check his throat. He comes back soon after without having seen anyone because they didn’t seem to think that Quebec was still part of the Medicare system. So we started playing again. There was a knock at the door and the maids came in. Cute. Hollie wanted to hear the band so we played MAN In A Car. She said that she doesn’t like heavy music but she loved this song.

We go to an internet café. The reception sucks man ass so I can’t do anything. I leave a little after Alex. He’s restless to find out when we load into Ozzy’s, the bar we’re playing tonight. As he leaves the café, a car stops and asks him what time we go on tonight. A good sign. I leave soon after him and go back to the hotel. I stop by a curio shop. There was sooo much junk in it. Marilyn Monroe pictures, Elvis movie posters, old sailor hats and that musty basement smell that goes along with stuff we don’t need anymore. There’s an old guy bring some of the old stuff out to the curb. Irony. Anyway I walk by the till and there’s this red headed girl curling her hair with a curling iron. I connect the two with Schrecker reasoning. Thus the Irony. I go back to the hotel.

I try to sleep a bit. I’m tired – and simmering. It’s about 6 o’clock and time for supper. Subway sandwiches. Not for me. I don’t eat before I play. Never have.

At the Subway a Girl comes out of the back with purple streaks in her hair and a pierced upper lip. Nice body. Later I find out she dances at some club named Sin City. Wow! Making sandwiches and Stripping. Life can be unfair. Poor girl shouldn’t have to be made to make sandwiches for a living.

We go to see what’s happening at Ozzy’s. A band is there all right. But they insist that we’re not playing with them. We go and find out what the hell is going on. There’s some dude who reminds me of a stoned pumpkin standing outside who says “You guys are in TGON! You rock! We’re playing with you tonight!” I ask him where. He says “The Zoo”. We get the big room. Nice – but it is a Tuesday night.

We load in.
Our good friend and collective wingman Tom walks up. Great to see the guy. He’s always a good guy to have around.

Tom helps us set up on stage. It all goes well. Mike the sound guy does a good job. He’s stand off-ish but that doesn’t matter. We check with our usual Wrong But In Throes. It’s huge and sounds like a 747 taking off – excellent!! We clear off for the other bands to do their thing.

I notice there are two woman dressed like they’d be in a Motley Crue video being introduced to TGON by Tom. Kristi and Angie. I say hello, especially to Kristi. Little darlin’. (see pic)

We set up the merch and quickly sell the girls a couple of stickers – one of which is applied very nicely to Kristi’s ass (see pic). I like this girl.

At this point I’m simmering. The show is going to be highly aggressive – I know it. I’m controlling that. I’m waiting… I’m not good company at the moment so the Alex takes the girls up to our room and I stay with Tom and the merch. (see pics)

After a while I need to grab something from upstairs so I go to the room. There are two new girls along with Angie and Kristi now. Juice and Tara (see pic) (this is the girl who asked Alex what time the show was earlier today in her car). I stop in and grab what I need and leave after saying the hellos.

I’m back down at the merch. People are coming in and buying stuff – black TGON hot shorts (I think the guy wants them for himself – whatever) .

I talk to a girl about Footlong hot dogs from a restaurant called Skinners in Lockport MB and not being a slut like she used too be. It’s surreal. In my head I’m battling dreams of apocalypse, holding back the tide that will sweep away everything in a torrent of nothingness. A guy keeps shaking my hand – giving me the devil metal sign and telling me he’s got the hook up for what ever I need. He gives me his number. He tells me we’re now good friends. Wow.

I’m sitting through the worst band I’ve ever heard. You don’t understand – they were like retarded monkeys who were given instruments. They could not play. Everyone around me was rolling eyes. I stop the simmer and yell “Get the fuck off the stage you pansies!” . The sad thing is – they love TGON. They are amazed they should be on the same bill with us. I know this because they told me. I’m amazed they should be on the same bill with us too. But for an entirely different reason.

The next band goes on. Older guys who play Megadeth/Metallica style stuff. They’re derivative. But they at least can play.

The third band goes up and by this time I have to take a wild piss. Where are the fucking guys?? Fucking, I suppose. Anyway they come down finally and I take a very cathartic leak. I come back and right away go to grab a coffee at the Subway – this is when I find out blue streaked hair girl is a stripper.

I walk back and take my spot in the middle of the girls and TGON by our merch table. I’m sure, to them, I seem totally coked out. I’m twitchy and compulsive. But I know what’s coming. Kristi tunes into my manic energy and says “I’m totally excited!”. I know, I know. You’re so sexy too. I know.

The third band finishes. I go up to set my mic and my gtr pedal. All good. I go back down and sit with the girls while Zasta and Jon finish the set up and come down too. Alex, I see, decided to stay on the stage. He’s crouched down, holding his bass on one knee. He scans the room as if looking for someone who might leave, and if they do – KERPLOW!! He’ll shot them with his bass. It’s highly intense. (see pic)

TGON communicates. Tonight we’re all manic. We all need to do this. We all feel an energy coursing. Our intro song Die Ganze ShiessVelt starts. That means “The Whole Fucking World” by the way. It’s a song off our new record. (Out in October).

Everyone there knows that something is going on. Zasta takes the stage. Now they’re two. Kristi says “Whoa, this is really crazy”, I say “You think? Check out Zasta.” And right on cue Zasta starts with the thunder. I watched all the girls faces change – this is out of control. Zasta is pulling down lightening, he’s grinding tectonic plates. (see pic or vid)

I need to do something. I need to scream, I need to kick, I need to feel, I need to love, I need to fuck, I need to…

…I run back stage. I look at the entire stage in front of me. That’s it. That’s what I need.

Closest to me Jon is putting on his guitar.

Suddenly Alex smashes the subsonic barrier with the touch of a hand. He hammers the riff and it cracks reality in two smithereens. This is sin, this lust, this fucking life and she just loves it like the whore she is!

White light as Jon collapses the PornoZING!!! riff on itself with knife speed entry. I can’t take it. I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this anymore…

-Time dies-
(see pic)
I find myself suspended in mid-air over the stage. I look slowly around me. The void in front of me where shapes and flashes and something I think might be an audience is waiting. Wondering.

I see Zasta, he knows where this is going. He smiles and says “This is being one with the world. You have to do it.”. I tell him “I know. Can I think about it a little more though? Maybe I should do something else.” Alex huffs, “Ambivalent! Look at you pal, you’re suspended in mid-air about to crash land on Jon. You can’t even stop that. You made the choice.” Jon looks up, “What?! What’s going on?”

-Time start-

I smash full on into Jon. I run to the mic and scream “This is fucking The Gods Of Now!!!!” I fall to the floor and crawl to my guitar. I scream in pain and in performance.

We start the show.

It’s our show – out of control energy and wicked, heavy, badass music.

Lobotomatronic hits. We’re killing everything that has ears. The end of the song is here. This is where I once again clash with Alex. I do. And then out of the void a fan jumps on stage and crashes the mic. He fucking grabs my mic and starts screaming into it.

I’m singing Lobotomatronic. This is a song about being wired wrong. Demons screaming so loud that you cannot do anything but what they say. You are numb to everything. You have nothing. You are dead inside.

My Lobotomatronic eyes see the back of this microphone hijacker. Reflex. I grab him and kick his ass off my stage. He trips over the monitor and goes flying into the void. Return to my senses. What happening? Oh yeah. We’re doing a show. Next song.

We end on Broken. This was a great version we played. Huge solo in the middle. Reminded me of great dreams that you always remember.

We finish.

I see Zasta, Alex and Jon walk off. The hangers on back stage are shaking Jon, Alex and Zasta’s hands saying “Awesome” and “Great show”. The usual. I towel off and walk off stage. The stragglers step back. On guy passes by and says “Great set”. I don’t have time to say “Thanks” before he runs off.

I go to the girls at the merch table. Kristi is impressed she says. All the girls are. I’m happy about that. There’s something about satisfying a woman musically that totally gets me high. I suppose it does that for all of us. Which is why we love playing to them so much.

Then this guy comes up to me and say “Great show man.” I say thanks. Then he says, “I’m the guy you threw off stage. I’m thinking of getting a tattoo of the mark your boot made on my ass.”

His name is Sean. He’s a good guy who says he crashes the stage whenever he can. He says I’m the first guy to ever do anything about it. He did it to Pantera and they just stood by and looked at each other not knowing what to do until one of the bouncers got rid of him. Yeah, I tell him that no one takes my mic. It’s mine.

I go back on stage to unplug my stuff and do a weak pack. We’ll take the stuff out tomorrow. As I’m up there, Dork the Clown comes up and says that it was a good show and he liked it. He gives me a preamble about how he’s some critic for some music mag or something. He says we’re good but he felt that me throwing the fan off the stage was “A little harsh don’t you think?”. I say no. He stares at me with his big cow eyes. “Come on,” he says “…don’t you think it was harsh? I mean, come on.”. I don’t like this guy. He smells bad. He smells like mediocrity. I tell him. “I don’t regret it.” He repeats what I say as if he doesn’t know what the words are. He waddles off the stage. I shake my head.

I finish up and go to the merch table. Girls are still there with the boys in the band. Where else would they be? Dork the Clown is there and so is Sean. I shake hands with Sean and thank him for coming to the show. He walks away with an EP. He’s happy.

It’s time for me to go into solitude. I’m onto something and I can’t put it aside right now. Not even for girls, J.D. or a sleepless night. Everyone pushes into the elevator. I’m crammed next to Kristi – nice feeling. Another life maybe. And earlier one. And some cute girl who I’ve never seen before suddenly says “Yeah, they have bed bugs here – I’ve seen ‘em.” I say “Well, don’t tell me that now. I’m going to bed.” The door opens and they pile into the other room. I go to mine with Alex so he can collect his stuff. Funny. This is the first time when I’ve asked to be alone and people actually left me alone. No cute little knock on the door. I don’t know if I’m happy about this. I’m so fucking ambivalent. Well, starting tomorrow I won’t be! Maybe. No! Yes! Fuck!

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 3

Is this the anti-ambivalence tour? I can’t make up my mind. Zasta mentions Shit Hole hot chicks – I wonder what the hell keps ‘em there – but when you meet one you’ll know. We all need a collective Cognitive Analysis Therapist – it an issue of self-esteem, pure and simple. I don’t think most of these people would need two or three sessions to become aware of this. Fuck the fact that she’s had a bad child hood – we’ve all had bad childhoods – but really it’s so self indulgent to dwell on how we got here, it’s what do we do now that we’re here. Not to many of these Shit Hold hot chicks have the tools to deal with this that’s for sure.

We stop for food in Thunderian Bayer – Montana’s. Hot Girl seated us. She looked at the ground like it was her best friend. I understand this. I just don’t know why, when the alternative is to make new social connections (I bet every day of the week she says “I’ve got to get out of here”), someone would opt for increasing the solitude. We ate. It was good. My vegetarian burger did a great job of trying to moo.

I look at the troops. They’re spoiling to play. Tomorrow night is going to be good. I feel it. I feel the energy. I remember that this isn’t sight seeing. This isn’t a Rock Tour. This is The Gods Of Now destroying what was and more importantly, building it back the way we want it.

Once again we must feed the fiery hot furnace of the Banyion whose mighty engine has been burning us down to hell. So we get gas at a Husky station. The gas guy runs out “You guys are a band? I want something! Give me something! What have you got? You got a CD? I want to buy something” Ahhhhh! We all got wired off of this guy’s crazy energy! What a music fan! We sold him a shirt.

We all talked about the show – how to make it more TGON – more organic – natural. Talked about why we do this. We all have our own reasons – personal reasons that are valid and make this a very strong cast of characters. The dead ghosts of pasts, the monsters on the edge of the map cannot stop this. Some of us fight them both every day. Some are able to forget they exist. But it all makes TGON a very powerful force.

The scenery changes from rolling to flat. The weather changes from Hot to Cold. The sky changes for clear blue to ash grey. We don’t mind. The rain sometimes washes more than feeds.

Beside the road a very big dog! NO! A bear! A fat one. We all tell him that he rocks! “Yo!! Bear! YEAH! You rock! Go bear!” He looked at us and then ignored us. Cool.

In Winnipeg. It’s been a long time. I feel no attachment to this place any longer. Montreal is my home, my love and my life. This is Winnipeg.

I’m feeling adored by the world my baby. This isn’t situational at this point. This makes me feel that I’m on the right track. I just know that things are as they should be right now and I’m very comfortable in this.

Am I happy? I think so. Again, my ambivalence is showing. Kidding. I’m not even tired right now. But I’m very much in tune with focusing my energy which is at 110% right now. This is going to be a very, very good tour.

Went out after eating a Papa Georges. Wandering down Corydon Ave. Taking big fast Winnipeg walking steps. The middle of street isn’t enough room for The Gods Of Now. The Winnipeg Police ask politely if we can walk on the sidewalk. Good times. Got drunk and made drunk phone calls to those who we need to talk to in that state. Hanging to dry is not good when you have no anchor. Mine tells me I’ll be fine. I believe her.

Time to sleep.