The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 20

It’s the Long Ride to Winnipeg. We are nothing but ourselves. Zasta in balance. Fighting his own quiet battles that he wants us to presume he’s winning. Alex, simmering. Finally living with direction. It’s fitting that it’s to the East that we are now falling. Jon content in his square meter of humanity. The only one I know who is like this. He tells me with a smile that his mind plays tricks. I have a feeling it does – but what is there can’t be read so easily.

Their are no private moments any longer. All time is a shared relationship. You can be found. You will be found. You cannot be anonymous anymore. I cannot hide. Not from my behavior, not from my past, not from my name. I cannot have a secret or a moment to myself. Just my jealousy talking, but I wish you were here. I want a moment alone with you that no one knows about. Just you and me. We can shout about it later.

-Sigh-

We get into Winnipeg after a few stops for coffee and giving a sticker or two to cute gas station girls.

We check into the Greenwood Inn on Wellington ave, near the airport. What a great Hotel. One of the nicest yet. Ritzy – as they say. In the lobby I notice that there are five weddings happening. It’s filled with hot looking girls wearing dressy dresses. They all think they’re their favorite movie stars. All the guys look uncomfortable in their suits. Rather be hunting or fixing something. Ever look at your girl’s eyes shithead. She’s fucking amazing. Assholes, all of us.

We’re hungry so we go around the corner to Grapes. A resto that me and my brother and my friends that all grew up here used to go to – except ours was on Main street and had too many spoken dreams that never happened – except for me. I did what I said. I’m still doing what I said. (I hate everything right now). But my salad is good. And the waitress is hot – as usual. They were hot when I was a fucking idiot of a teenager too. Now that I’m just a fucking idiot their’s no difference.

Juice calls and lets us now their’s a show on that we should go to. Meet some people. I don’t want to go. I never want to go…

Psychotic Episode #6 (for Tara)

The points of light below me, tracing some brail that I can’t read because I feel nothing but alone. Plate glass holds me from suicide. I’m so high above the street. Without you. I just simply watch this hive. I stand with a Jack, no ice. Straight – I call it. I drink too much. I know. But at the end of all this, the richness of this moment matches the soft ambience of this penthouse, matches the taste of my drink. Here I feel a connection to these lights. I’ve lost all connection to all the other lights of my life so these ones on the other side of the glass and so far below me are all I have left. And now Blackout! How about that? The whole fucking city goes dark.

End Psychotic Episode #6

We get ready to go out. The Banyion takes us into the city and parks herself on River ave near the place called the Cavern Pub.

Their’s lots of people there. I walk in and Juice and Tara spot me. Ahhhh! Yay! Hugs. Tara is always a sight for sore eyes. She’s special to all of us – she lived through Calgary 2008 with us and that’s that.

But me – aw, you’ve just got to put up with me until I leave – And I’m going to leave pretty damn quickly because I’m watching everyone wasted, falling down drunk. I’m in a rage. The Devil has nothing on me. He’s a pansy. A sissy. I want to rip someone apart. The devil owes me.

I’m introduced to many people. Everyone seems to like me. Stop it! Why don’t they stop it! Leave me alone. I’m introduced to a very nice girl named Kristina and her best friend Caroline. Caroline’s eyes stop me raging. Is a moment like that private? In the middle of a crowd – silence for one second. But then it all crashes in. And I’ve got to get out of there…

I’m outside ready to walk up the stairs – and Tom (Get to the choppa!) our go-to guy, comes in! I love seeing this guy! He should have come with us on the tour. He’s crucial for a fucked up time.

I take him into the club and I get pulled into conversations and exaggerations and flirtations. Her smile goes from strange to familiar quickly. I have to leave.

I walk up the stairs and go grab a coffee down the street. I meet a very petite and wayyyyy too tired Argentinean woman asking me which Starbucks coffee I’d like and that she’s acting happy and energetic but the fact is she usually is the one telling actors what to do because she’s studying to become a film director and is moving to California or something… I like her black curly hair and accent. I leave with a wave and head to the Banyion. And their is the traffic guy calling the tow-truck. He gives me a 34 dollar ticket and says that the tow-truck was going to be there in 5 min. Hmmm. I feel that my fucking issues with hyper-awareness might not be so bad – I saved the Banyion from a night in solitary – a night without us.

Awww fuck! I forgot to tell The Gods that I’m leaving. I think Alex has his stuff. He wants a bed at the Zoo – tired of the cot or sleeping with Zasta or Jon. Don’t blame him at all.

I walk in. “There you are!” about 14 people say to me. I have to leave. I’m followed by Tom and Caroline and Kristina. Smokers.

Caroline is a very beautiful, blue eyed French girl. She talks like she’s in a movie. She doesn’t know that but she does. Some Bardot flick where everyone is glamorous and actually say “Ha, ha, ha!” to the sky. Anyway, we talk. I calm down. She works at a Spa/Salon, cats, dogs, Winnipeg, I’m from here, remember? We lived almost across the street from each other. Went to the same 7/11. I hated it here my whole life. I don’t hate it so much now.

See, no private moments. No secrets. I can’t have those. A connection that calmed me. Brought me back to myself. She calls me by my name. Not Schrecker.

We move over to the Zoo. I see my friend Laura, hot little Laura from last time. This time she’s hurt. Her moment is secret tho. She tells me what the problem is and I give her a hug. I don’t like seeing my friends hurting but she’s in her life.

I follow everyone inside and that’s it. I don’t want to be there anymore. Caroline is leaving too. I walk her to her car and she drives me to the Banyion.

I go back to the room and psychotic things are coming true. I open the curtains and I see lights from buildings on the other side of the window pain. I feel totally alone and totally on top of the world. I am in the richest moment I’ve ever lived through – and I’ve lived through so many, baby. You know I have. But this moment is ALL MINE! And their’s no one with me to share it. No one person to tell any secret to.

I think I fall asleep but I may have died, finally and after all.

The Gods of Now On Tour – Day 19

I open my eyes. I’m tired. But what am I tired of? Turning on the wheel? Reincarnation?

We get up and ready to go. We drive out of town and go to a Husky resto. Breakfast is simple but delicious. Zasta had steak and eggs and was amazed at the meat. It was great he said. I have my three eggs over easy and hash browns with toast. Great! Jon has a huge omelette. He says it’s very good. Alex has ham and eggs. The ham is too salty and he’s sure he heard his eggs say that he was a psycho but other than that it was good.

I’m in the backspace of the Banyion. I don’t want to drive through the prairies – I’m from here and, like it did years ago, it suffocates me. It makes me feel like I’m drowning. That’s one of the major differences between prairies and ocean side dwellers. If you fall into the ocean you die so quickly. Mercifully fast it will pull you down. It will fill your lungs and that’s it. The prairies will drown you for a lifetime. Will choke you with dust and chaff until you barely breathe – but you get just enough air for one more day. One more day to dream about a life somewhere else, finding a love that reaches up to the universe and connects you with everything. And today the sun is shining which is even worse. I hated the sun when I lived here. I worshiped the rain, those churning dark skies that would cry all over me. But here the sun is just a hard slow death without forgiveness. I close my eyes and shut out these strangling memories of this flat nothing – this place that broke my father’s back, broke my mother’s mind and wrecked my whole fucking past.

I open my eyes and we are in Regina. It’s 35C. No respite from the sun. No trees. We go to the Hotel. A Howard Johnston’s. There is a small pool with a spa. It’s also under renovations but they’re so friendly it totally makes up for it. We feel sorry for them because the key lock system is down. The whole place is locked but they have to take you to the rooms and let you in themselves. Their are no keys. So no matter what time you get back they have to open the door for you. Yikes.

We’re in the room and I want to go for a swim. I change and make my way over to the pool. There are two girls there. Kelsey and Tyler. They’re having cannon ball, summersault and holding-yer-breath competitions. They insist I’m in. After a few minutes Zasta shows up and is initiated into their games too. He does 6 summersaults but I do the biggest cannon ball. Both Kelsey and Tyler are very impressed with us. They don’t care at all that we play in a band. But then 10 year olds have a completely different outlook on life – They’re so cute and hilarious and make me totally homesick.

We get ready to go to the club – called The Club. It’s easy to find. We go in and talk to a guy who says the show is expected but no one is there yet. We need to talk to Carla, he tells us. She’s the woman running things tonight. Okay. So, we have time for dinner. The guy tells us about a great little vegetarian resto called The 13th Avenue Café and we plow over there.

This was the best meal I’ve had so far. The presentation was fantastic and made me want to eat the great food. Hummus, baba ganouj, olives and falafel. Fantastic! Zasta has something similar except it wasn’t falafel it was tabouleh. Excellent! Alex and Jon, sad because they haven’t got dead cows anywhere around them, have a chicken sandwich each. They say they’re fresh and tasty. Alex says the reflection at the bottom of his plate is menacing him so he would have rather had matt dishes then shiny ones. But that aside, it is a terrific dinner and is all under budget! If you go to Regina you must eat at The 13th Avenue Café. It’s a small place but it has a relaxed vibe, friendly staff (they say things like – “You cleaned the plate! You must have been hungry!”) and the most spectacular fuel that will make your body run smoothly.

We head back to the Club. We want to drive in beside the front door but pylons block it. Their’s a guy who sits in his car and who gets out to talk to us. We can go into unload but the trains go by here so you can’t park. Umm, okay. So he moves the pylons and we drive in.

We unload our gear.

Carla is inside and she’s very nice. She tells me that this is our show so we need to supply everything – door person, etc. What? This wasn’t told to us by our booking agent. He simply told us we needed to rent the room and that once the rental was covered by the door the rest would be ours. Sigh. At least the local bands playing with us had time to bring their friends…

…the local bands (great guys all of ‘em) weren’t told about the show until the previous after noon when they were contacted on MySpace by our booking agent. They keep saying with sympathy “You’re booking guy is royally boning you guys!” and “Holy lick! You’re paying a guy to set this up? You gotta rethink you’re plan buddy.” Now, I can’t argue with their sentiment, but honestly, if you know anything about me and TGON, you know we’ve got our shit together. Our business is like our kung-fu – top shelf. It is very difficult to remain positive about an associate or hired agent when this is happening more and more – and it doesn’t seem to affect him either way.

Carla – the very professional and kind woman who was in charge for the night also seemed very disappointed in our booking agent. And more concerned because we aren’t the only band that he booked with her and if this is the fate of our band on this night, what of the other bands he has coming through her doors?

Karma is karma. Everyone will get what’s coming to them. At this point it’s beyond my control – if this upsets anyone – do your fucking job.

I’m smiling as people tell me how comedians and poets are the only people who use this room. How that in their words, “You came all the way to Regina and you’re playing here?” How a great woman, the manager from the Gaslight Bar (“where ALL the rock bands who come through play”) told me the name of her booker there and that we would have had a packed place”. Wow. I’m smiling and nodding and staying positive. Back in the day I played pizza places because it was the only place that was available. I can play here and still rock… We’re here to play.

The girlfriend of one of the band members of “12” the first band is named Stephanie. She is so nice and pretty too. Lucky man plays the drums for his band. She volunteers to do the door for us. We need a quota to pay for the room – we all have our fingers crossed.

We set up the merch right by the door. We sell.

I’m sitting sipping a coffee when two women walk in. The tall statuesque woman who looks like a model but dressed like a sexy 80’s rocker smiles at me briefly. I have to ask her name. Maya. I tell her she’s beautiful. I’m not flirting. I’m just observing. It’s the same thing I do when I see Lake Louise, or a Dali, or hear the Nature Chord – I say “How beautiful”. But to me a woman is the ultimate work of art – complex, simple, stunning, inspiring, magical. I express it by saying a word that tires to put a frame around something – hey! It’s better than saying, “Well, for a bi-pedal being of the mammalian genus, you gush with feminine pulchritude”. Yeah, no. I’ll just call her beautiful. She thanks me for the compliment. Her friend she’s with is a wild red head named Kristin (sp?) and the girlfriend of the singer from “12”. He also saved the entire night by bringing his sound gear. He said he had showed up earlier and there was hardly a PA to be seen so he scooped up his and brought it with him. Now he’s a great guy.

Steph and I talk. Her sis is a popular folk singer in the west and her boyfriend is in the band – I bet she likes stray dogs. She’s very kind. And very pretty, but her boyfriend is a stand up guy. And she’s a banker! Yes. That’s right. A hot banker was our door person! I gave her a shirt for her trouble. It’s funny. We have so many different styles, especially for women. And she chose a straight up black Tee with the logo. I’d have thought she would have taken a purple one (almost sold out) or a blue tank top. Banker by day, rocker by night? Intriguing.

“12” plays their very first live show. Nathan the drummer has his first live show in years. And they’re just fine. They’re having a ball up there and so are we watching them. The bass player in particular looks like he’s on the moon – of course – ahem – he might be – Ha! Just kiddin’ buddy! Look over there!

A League of One are the other local band and they very graciously let us play second so we can play to the most people. Thanks for that – we owe you guys one!

We play and kick ass. This is one of the MAIN benefits of playing on the road. You become tight – grade 9 tight – really fucking fast. We growl through our set and I’m dead for it. But fuck did it feel good! And the sound was fucking awesome – Thanks again Andy!

A League of One plays. Okay, if you get a chance, you have to see them. They are, first of all, very talented players – second – they’re fucking hilarious (you have to hear “I’m just a lonely garbage man”). I was so entertained by their full on, meandering, fast, slow, ballad, cock-rock, saga, instrumental, mental love songs that were as loud as they were long as they were great to listen to. The guitar solos in particular were very well composed and very high level.

I go next door to the Exchange – “This is where bands that are really booked by real booking agents play” – so the locals tell me – once again I smile. I’m staying very positive about this. I have tools to deal with these blows to my self-esteem. I really don’t like being made to feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. In the past this would cripple me into a shit load of bad behavior and retaliation. Now, I can honestly say that it’s all okay. It is what it is. What they are saying doesn’t reflect on me or my band, just on the persons responsible.

So anyway – next door there is a Cuban band playing with a kick ass flutist. But it’s very middle of the road. So it’s boring – even though it’s exotic – I’ve seen many better Cuban bands. But it’s nice.

The Show ends and we grab the guitar stand that we lent to A League of One. We never lend gear so we clearly liked these guys. We bring all our gear out to the Banyion. The boys and girls from “12” are there placing bets on the fact that they don’t believe that we can tetris up the Banyion and still have room left over for us. “Holy Lick! Their’s no way you’re going to be able to put all that in there.” Nathan, Steph’s boyfriend said. Now we say Holy Lick – but only when we refer to a great looking girl.

Everyone around us is so nice and supportive. “If we had more time we would have packed the place!” and “When you guys come back – then we’ll do it right for ya!”. I grab our bottle of J.D. and pass it around – everyone is feeling great. Especially us. We’ve made great friends here in Regina and that’s why we’re here.

At the end of the day we exceeded our quota that we needed to meet at the door.

Carla is extremely nice to us. She gives us extra gas money. This is a woman we will always have no problem working with. She is great people and understands bands. She knows we are almost helpless but fierce about what we do. She didn’t like seeing us put into the position we were in tonight. I like her.

We go to Denny’s – like all good bands do. We look at the menu and ask the manager to come out. Nice girl named Sheela. We explain that we’d like a contact name cuz we need to get in the late night menu for the next time we release a record. It turns out Denny’s is rebranding itself. More edgy and late night. Where else do you go after things close at 2 am in the West? We have Nachos. Alex has a sandwich.

Once again we feel very spoiled to be from Montreal. Je t’aime ma belle ville.

We go back to the Ho-Jo’s. Our little friends Kelsey and Tyler told us the people who work there would NEVER let us into the hot tub late at night. (and yes they yelled “NEVER”!).

Meranda – who was there when we arrived earlier today and is there now at 3am (she must be so tired) is still at the desk. She asks if we need to have her unlock the door for us. I tell her yes, and would it be possible for us to use the hot tub. She looks at all four of us and says “Go for it!” Clearly Kelsey and Tyler have been banned after a certain time. Ha! Great!

Now I miss home. I want to see people who know me by another name. I want to be in my studio. I want nothing to happen for a while. That would be fine. Just fine.

Good night.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 18

I open my eyes and look around. It’s 7:38 am. I didn’t fall asleep until 5 am I think. I need more sleep. I close my eyes.

It’s 9:46 am. Ahhh, that’s better. Energy. I think I’m back to normal. The world is once again in front me. Like it used to be. And you’re in there somewhere. All I have to do is find you.

Me, Alex and Zasta are up and ready for breakfast. Jon turns over and says he wants to sleep. I’m so energetic.

So we walk to the hotel resto for eggs. We sit down. I immediately take my little pad of peanut butter that I always eat at breakfast. The waitress with, as Zasta points out, invitingly milky bosoms comes up and flatly says “You’re disgusting!” Oh yeah! I’m ready for this. I put my arms out invitingly and say “And good morning to you too!” She’s cool. I have three eggs, toast and hash browns. Zasta the same (but he gets rye I get brown toast). Alex has oatmeal and yogurt. We eat and it was good.

The hotel gives us coupons for some money off (2 bucks off actually) which added up to almost a coffee each. Ah well, better than nothing.

We go back to the room. Zasta is going for a walk in the sunshine. It’s a beautiful day. Alex gets on the comp and starts to straighten out life. I wanna check out the waterpark so I put on my ATTACK suit and go.

I walk in and all is quiet. Their is no one there at all. I look at the massive waterslide and all the fountains that are quiet. I say a few words out loud to hear the echo. “Claim!” I say and “Fabric!” The reverb is astounding. But I want it all to be working – I want the water to flow. So I go to the front desk and ask. The woman comes with me and starts it up.

Holy Shit!!! This place is water world. (See pics/vid). I smash down the waterslide – serious! The river run makes me want to puke – YEAH! And the pool is perfect for a good cooling off.

I sit down in the spa-aaahhhhhh!

I have a breakthrough concerning the backstory on a character I’m writing for a TV show aimed at the same demo as Californication or Six Feet Under. I scribble it in my writing book. The producers of the show want the character to be more real and more flawed. I simply draw off my own background. Yeah, that’ll work just fine.

Forgiveness is strength. Not only for the one who is forgiven but also for the one who forgives. We all fuck up, don’t we? None of us are perfect. I’ve done…questionable things. Was a broken kid (you see right in to me), now I’m a scarred man from those old lonely wounds. But all along the way I’ve been strengthened by forgiveness. Now it’s Alex’s turn.

No one here is ordinary. We act as we do for reasons that are beyond our control. Driven. Always driven on by a mania or desire. We demand to know what is on the other side. We demand to know how far is too far. We need to know what happens when you fall off the edge because walking along it is far too predictable after a while. And then when it happens, self-destruction. Re-invention. Creation. We come back from the other side and we know something astounding.

It all sounds so fucking rock and roll, doesn’t it? It is for civilians looking in. But those close to us, those who care for us, they deserve a rest sometimes.

We’re demanding but all we demand is acceptance. We’re out of control but all we want to ruin is ourselves. We become lost and we need that anchor to bring us back.

Alex is here, like the rest of us, for his reasons. The road changes a man. Driven around the world by insatiable lust for life. No matter how much you look at this ball, this circle, this ring, it is never the same. No beginning and no end. No matter where you start out, or leave off, or pretend to finish. You go around and get back together where you were and it’s never the same. It’s never what it was. It cannot be. It’s better. It’s different as it is new. And new is right Now. And right Now is as it should be. And Alex has found something astounding. But you’ll have to ask him.

I get out of the spa and go back to the room. I change. Jon’s hungry so we go to the Hotel Lounge and he grabs a club sandwich. He needs to eat so it’s fine but it is not that great, he says. Then we notice that their’s musical instruments set up. I ask if we could play there tonight. The manager says “why not?”.

Cool, it’s great to play. But we almost immediately think about the logistics of it. We’re a fucking out of control live act – now playing the lounge at the Travel Lodge. I dunno if this is such a bright idea…

Speaking of stupid ideas – I have a FlipCam. These are excellent little iPod sized video cameras that have a USB port built into it. You just shoot your vids (with sound and amazing picture) and then dump it on to your comp. Our vids are done like this. – yes, yes, they’re coming!

Anyway – I have this bone-head idea to take the FlipCam down this crazy waterslide. You know, cuz it would be fun to slide down with you – this is sort of what it would be like. Jon would be at the bottom and I’d throw him the FlipCam just as I enter the pool.

I know – what a great idea right? And before you think we just impulsively do things without thinking them through (well, Alex does, but maybe not so much anymore) I grab this little plastic cup about the same size as the camera to use for a practice run (see vid). So Jon’s ready at the bottom and I slide down and chuck him the little cup. He just misses it. It hits his hand, but we figure because he was taping the practice run, he’d have caught it using both hands.

Let’s do this thing.

I take the FlipCam up the waterslide with me. I do it. No turning back now! Through the tunnel, shoot to the corner – down the spiral and there’s the end. Up I throw it. And it touches Jon’s hand in just the same way the plastic cup did. And SPLUNK! Right into the pool. Ahhhhh! I dive for it. We take it out. It’s soaking wet…and dead.

Who’s idea was this? Fuck, too much time on our hands. I’m an idiot. Well, I dry it under the hand dryer for a little while. Then I put it in the sun for about 15 min. The big moment of truth. I turn it on. Sigh.

We go back to the room and I take the little bugger apart and then leave it there. We’re hungry so we need to look for food. I’ll go ask the front desk.

I change into my clothes and walk to the front desk. I could not believe, looking at this girl, that I was in Medicine Hat, Alberta!

Amanda seems to be a popular name out in the west. That’s okay. It’s a very sexy name to begin with. She has long, strawberry-blond hair. And pale skin. Small features, and oh so very pretty. She reminds me of the kind of girl a vampire would go for immediately. But the most attractive thing is this sadness that surrounds her. Like a Calvino linen, it envelopes her, makes her ascend up to some heaven that I’ll never know.

She tells me that their’s a good resto down the street. I tell her we’re playing later and hope she can drop in. She has no context for any of this. But she smiles so I’m happy I got to see that.

We get ready and pile into the Banyion. We’re hungry and want to break out of our lack of energy. We’re hoping the food will do this for us.

We see a Seafood resto. We all have misgivings. We’re in the middle of Canada. Seafood? Not really. We go in anyway. Look at the menu. Everything is fried.

Psychotic Episode #5.

I glance over at the tables. They’re fried too. The cook in the back is currently frying his hand. He looks over and sort of chuckles and says “It’s like a hot glove, eh!”. Two hot waitresses wearing bikini’s are slashing boiling cooking oil on each other – just like in a beer commercial – they’re giggling! The patrons are sipping iced oils while eating fried vegetables – I over hear one of them say the veggies are because they had pie at lunch so they have to watch it. But it’s a good thing it’s all you can eat.

End Psychotic Episode #5

Zasta says, “this isn’t the kind of food I eat”. I nod. We leave.

In the parking lot walking to the Banyion. Two girls wearing black are smoking behind a Starbucks. I glance at them and get almost to the Banyion when we hear…

“Ahrga Biark! Ibglik! S’potep!”

Whaa?

We look over and they’re looking at us and smoking.

“Whaaa?” one of us says – or all of us. What the hell does “S’potep” mean? We walk a little closer.

“Are you guys in a band?” The girl with nicely done purple eyeshadow asks.

We all check our own zippers.

“Yeah. The Gods Of Now”.

They’re Eden and Raven. They both work at the Starbucks. They’re very friendly. We talk a bit. We have to have some kind of context here. Once that’s established we find out a good place to eat. They tell us that if we keep going on the road we’re on their’s a Moxie’s and a Montana’s. Cool. We go.

We actually see a Kelsey’s so we go there. Great choice! Valerie from Magog is our waitress! Ahhh, we all become homesick in two seconds. Elle est vraiment une belle fille! Just so nice to be around. So nice to look at. Girls from Quebec are a national treasure.

I have a salad that Valerie suggests. It was great. Instead of chicken she put salmon because I don’t eat meat (chicken, pork or beef). Jon had a Philly steak – he said it was the best he’s ever had! Zasta and Alex had hamburgers. Zasta loved his. Alex complained about something – I think it was something about the radius of the top bun not matching the bottom one.

We get the bill and it’s time to leave. Everyone watches as we each give two kisses to Valerie and say “a la prochaine”.

Now it’s back to Starbucks for attention and coffee. I walk in and I see Raven say to some hot little number “their’s the guys I was telling you about.” We say hello to her and Eden once again and are introduced to others. The hot little number is named Chelsie and they all say that she is a foam expert.

..?

Umm. I look blankly at Chelsie and say “You really shouldn’t say that to a rock band on the road.” She doesn’t hear me. But Raven does and laughs. Cool.

Eden hooks us up – she is the manager. So nice to have a friend with coffee as her power.

We say good-bye and go back to the Hotel. We talk about playing on the way there. We’re kind of pissed about the fact that some of these shows we’ve been playing are last minute shit gigs where no one knows we’re playing until the day before. Less time in some cases. In once case the bar DIDN’T know we were playing. We hate this.

Do we really need a rehearsal? No. We all agree that if their are people there we’ll play. It would be even better if we could use the drum kit that was there. Cheap ass kit but better then lugging the whole of Zasta’s in.

So we get back and go into the lounge. There are people there! We’ll, actually person. An old lady playing a poker machine. We all look at each other… Naaaa!

I go to see Amanda and tell her it’s too much effort. God, does Alberta even know she lives here? She’s the kind of girl you remember forever – She’d be great in a music vid.

So, now that we’re not playing I’ll see how much damage I did to my FlipCam. I go back to the room. It’s a skeleton of her former self, my FlipCam. All apart, no buttons and just her naked screen showing. I put the batteries back in and turn it on.

Nothing…wait! There are lines on the screen! Wait! Color! Oh my god! IT’S ALIVE!!! I immediately dump down the vids that are on there onto the comp. Wow! We all can’t believe this thing came back from the dead after been plunged into over chlorinated pool water! We’re going to write the company to tell them how amazing this little thing is.

I put it all lovingly back together. It’s as good as new.

So now we’re going to try it again! Well, come on. It’s only a bone-head idea if it DOESN’T work. If it does – it’s fucking awesome.

And it works! (See vid).

We tried it with a pen first. And Jon got it without a problem. So we did the real thing. And he caught it. Now their’s nothing better when a risk you take works out. Nothing better at all – except doing it AGAIN! Yeah! So we do it again. And it works! Again.

Now I’m bored with doing that. It was cool, but now – you know, whatever!

Jon and Zasta go back to the room. I swim around a bit and then also go back to the room.

Everyone has their instruments out and are playing acoustically. I grab mine, (they brought it in for me). We worked on things we needed to tighten up and came up with a very cool new intro to the show.

Now I’m laying here wishing this was my bed.

Good night.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 17

It is a better day. I wake up rested. Not Zasta tho. He’s tired today. He’s very ubby. Nice to be around – not cranky but very, very ubby.

We get ready and check out of the Big Horn. They’re so nice there. Anya the cleaning girl is very sweet. We walk over to the restaurant that’s attached to the Husky and have a straight up eggs breakfast. Nice. It’s not anticipated to be anything but good and it is. They know breakfast.

We move out and on to Lake Louise. We have two missions. One to see if Kate the Australian girl will actually leave and come with us to Winnipeg being our merch girl and two, to do the interview between Jon and Schrecker for Elite guitars.

We drive to where Kate works. We walk in and she is more than happy to see us! Yay! She says, jokingly, “Let me go quit my job”. Ha! That would have been sooo fucking cool if she did. Anyway, I totally understand her position. And she scolds me for not emailing her when we were coming back? She could have gotten ready. Obviously she was not expecting me to be a man of my word. But who can blame her? Their aren’t too many pirates around anymore. We give her our cell number because she has to work. So we go up to the Lake do the interview.

We drive up to the Chateau Lake Louise. By now we know the place and are at home. We grab our guitars, cameras and flip cams (like life savers these things be- arh!) and head over to the beautiful teal Lake.

We find the same spot we were at last time. The sun was shining bright and the water was so perfectly teal blue. You couldn’t have wished for anything better. Jon and I take out our guitars, mine I call Kate, after my Australian friend, and Jon calls his…. ($*#%(*)

We go and sit on the rocks and do the interview (see vid). Honestly, I really like my guitar named Kate. She is pretty and is an extension of my subconscious.

We sit at the lake for a good long time. Get our pics taken (see pics) and just look at each other and wonder, because this is the shit tour. It will only go up from here. And here is Lake Louise. We’re either between the legs of nature or a beautiful girl. It’s really quite a life. How can it get any better? But inside me – I know it certainly can.

We go to the Lake Louise Hotel and sit out at the primo table and have the GREATEST Nachos ever! Alex has a Big Rock Grasshopper, Zasta has the same. I have a Jack (big surprise) and Jon has a Coors light bottle. We toast to being alive, being there and being The Gods Of Now. It’s a fine moment.

Tamra and Tad, two American people here to do business in Calgary (bricks no less – Tad says that Bricks are a lasting commodity – if they’re in the Great Wall of China, then that means they must last. He’s got a point). They talk to us about the road, the band and what we are about. They buy a CD from us and get our autographs. It’s for their son. That’s cool. I just tell them to look at the poster before they let him. Their are some very suggestive pics on there. He’s young. Let’s not destroy him before he’s ready.

We pay and leave. What a fucking amazing afternoon!

We go to see what’s up with Kate and at the same time feed the Banyion. She’s almost dry and needs more.

I go and pay and as I come out there she is. Kate. Geeze this girl is beautiful tho. We say hello and then decide to go for a drink at her place. We all pile in the Banyion and head over to the Servant’s Quarters – oh I know, it’s the staff housing but it’s way funnier to call it this!

So we appear at her place and it’s very big and very spacious. It’s very comfy as far as I can see. She has a killer back yard view. Mountains and a river – great! I’m drinking. What? All together now – Jack! Kate’s drinking Vodka. No one else is really drinking anything – except Jon who really has a hard time saying no to anything alcoholic these days (It’s a joke, don’t worry, we’ve got your boy safe and sound) – he’s drinking a beer. Kate wants to hear our music so we bring in a CD and she puts it on, not at her place but at a friend’s place, next door. Two guys, one is from Quebec – great! Hi, heys and so on. And then two other guys show up – oops – too much sausage for TGON. Zasta looks at me and gives me the look that says so. I say, “Where are all the girls in this fucking place?”. No answer. So then it’s time to go. But I like Kate. I don’t want to leave her just yet. I think she has something to tell me and I want to know what it is.

So I ask her to take us to someplace around here in Lake Louise to eat – but not expensive. It’s a tall order but our Kate comes through. She brings us to the Lake Louise Inn. Upstairs. Stay away from the pasta we were told. So we did and had Calzones and Salads. It was very, very good. And not too expensive either.

While there I felt abandoned quite early in the meal. I understood very quickly that Kate has decided that I’m not a good man. It’s strange why this matters to me. I neither know her, nor do I feel that we will ever be friends even though I was hoping so. Maybe this is what I came here for: to feel that a person who I genuinely liked (for no other reason than she was exciting, funny, hot and a fellow traveler – and was a good drinker) really doesn’t like me. This is rare. Most everyone thinks I have something to offer. Kate just keeps looking at me (when she does) and says, “I don’t know how you can be like that”. Well, I might be a fuck up. But at least I’m trying to change. I tell her so. I don’t know why I do. This is something I don’t share with anyone. You can think what you want of me. I don’t care. But our Kate…I don’t know why I wanted to explain myself to her. I never do.

I leave. I can’t stay around this. And it’s not because it affects me negatively. It’s because it’s a waste of time now. (I’m in the bathroom asking Zasta for the keys and he says “You’re not uncomfortable because of us, are you?” (he means the band) Oh my god no! I tell him. My band has seen and heard far worse from me than this. I would share anything with them. I trust them completely. He knew this before I tell him. It really is that this catharsis was unwanted and unlooked for and is highly personal. I didn’t feel it was the time or the place.

I received what I came here for – and now the road is waiting. I want to move on. I was gifted a punch in the face, psychologically speaking. And from a sweet Australian girl at that. I’m glad it was her. It’s why I named my guitar Kate. I was looking for her name for a long time. I found it in Lake Louise. If the one you choose doesn’t fit, it’s not the right one. Kate is the perfect name for this guitar.

My band is quickly behind me, ready to go. I never have to worry about my band. They are more supportive of me than any support group I could ever have. What’s more, they accept me. They might even like me but you’d have to ask them. Ha!

We take Kate down the road to her house. We drop her off and she says good-bye to everyone. Then she opens my door and says good-bye to me, asks me if I’m alright. I say I’m fine. I am. I unfortunately have no attachment to her. I say goodbye. She pushes me away harshly and says, “What is your problem?” And leaves. I watch her the whole time, knowing that I’m not a good man in her eyes. Not a good man at all.

What is my problem? Ahhh, that is the question my dear Kate. What is my problem?. I have so many. All I want to do is connect with people. Be normal like everyone else. Get a job. I want to go to bed at home. I want to have friends. I want to watch TV. I want to be happy. How about that?

And if you can fucking tell me that you are actually happy – go ahead and fucking throw all the fucking stones you want. I’d love to be killed like that! Drilled by a stone in the side of the head, thrown by happy people – preferably from Australia because I have such a soft spot for Australians. I still do – sweetest accent ever! And in Kate’s case – a compete knock-out.

But I’m not worried. No stones are going to be coming my way. Because none of us are happy are we? We go from peak to valley and valley to peak (how about that for a mountain metaphor) having a window open every once and a while that lets us know what it might be like if we were happy… What it might be like if we were stronger, or better, or thinner or nicer or well, just well in ourselves.

Lemme ask you something? What are you running from? I mean it.

Just tell me. What are all of you running from? I’m running from a whole shit load of things…

• Mediocrity
• Passiveness
• Ambivalence
• Love
• Safety
• Morality
• Responsibility
• Maturity

And that’s just a little tiny short list. I could spend a book writing on everyone of those. In fact, Broken, by The Gods Of Now is written, in part, because of this…

Now, I’m sitting beside Zasta as he drives the Banyion on to Medicine Hat Alberta. Running. Running from where I was to where I’m going. Running from who I am to who I’m going to be. Running straight into hell, trying to raise it so we don’t have to go so far.

So? What are you running from?

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 16

I wake up. I’m not rested. Neither are Zasta, Jon or Alex. Someone was breathing like a coked up semi-trailer. It wasn’t me. Everyone else denies it too.

I need to make arrangements to stable the Banyion. She’s hurting and needs to be groomed and shoed. And somehow kick started into her regular fiery burning motion.

I call CAA.

CAA sends the Big Truck. I like these ones. They’re sort of the aircraft carriers of the road. Take offs and landings with winches. Who the fuck doesn’t love winches? You can pull stumps out with ‘em!

We’re all there as the CAA guy checks things out. He tightens the batter terminals and gives the Banyion a bit of her favorite Jack. IT STARTS!!!! Holly the Hot Mechanic did say it would be intermittent.

The band is hungry so they go off in search of food. They carry spears and knives looking for any egg lay or batter fried creature to devour. I stay behind to wait for The Battery Specialists who are supposed to come in 90 minutes.

I sit in the sunshine looking like I’m in a kick ass Rock band and have been drinking too much. Blue jeans, boots, red shirt and skull belt buckle. Every once and a while I go in to the Hotel to talk to Laura. Find out she’s gonna be starting Nursing School. Then I go back out and wait with the Banyion. Eventually I shut the Banyion down. I cross my fingers and say a prayer my goddess and then crank the key. The Banyion fires up on the command. Fuck the Battery Specialists – It’s 2 o’clock in the after noon and I still haven’t eaten or gotten my morning coffee.

I find Alex, Jon and Zasta in Denny’s. They’re finished but they watch me scarf down my breakfast/late lunch.

Jon reminds us: “You’re not allowed to sell that here!” Said one of the Fuckers in Calgary.

Calgary Madness Fantasy #1

Someone tries to serve you breakfast. You grab your barbed wire bound baseball bat and start wailing on them shouting “You’re not allowed!”

Some one gets curt with you. “You interrupted me!” Smack down! Ka-banff! “You ain’t allowed muthafucka!”

Someone asks you where the washroom is. “Where’s the..” Blam! Blamblamblamblamblam! You shoot ‘em were they stand! “Not today! BANFFFF! I’m out!”

End Calgary Madness #1

I pay. We leave. I figure I can drive for a bit even though I’m tired. But first it’s to the West Edmonton Mall to, once again to wallow in the wickedness of promiscuous consumerism. Getting fucked by one boutique after the next.

Always a good time at the mall. I go and buy what I need and then we get the hell outta there!

Halfway down the 2 south my eyes won’t focus so I hand it over to Zasta. I fall asleep as soon as I’m in the shot-gun chair.

We need to eat so we go to a place called Mojave Bar and Grill in Red Deer. Where the hell do these girls come from?? They are all tall and gorgeous. Legs that won’t quit and bodies that won’t let you! Food and girls! Two very great things to have in the same room!

I have the Prawn Salad with Japanese Noodles. It was fresh and delicious. It comes with a little muffin which I find out with a bite is corn bread. Delicious! Alex has the chilli. I’m sure it’s good but he has to complain about something so I think his bowl wasn’t round enough or his spoon was too oblong or the water was too murky. But he said it was good. Jon had the Jack Daniel’s Hamburger. He loved it. Kept on licking his lips and saying “I can really taste the Jack.” A surprising amount of girls kept walking by when he was doing this. He was too into his burger to notice. Zasta had a wrap and salad. He liked it. All in all a very good meal. And right on budget. And the girls! Wow! We need to play in Red Deer.

We hit the road again. This time I drive again. Zasta and Alex want to watch Eastern Promises while we close in on Banff. We set it up and the in flight movie begins.

Me and Jon change from Driver to Shot-gun and I watch the rest of the movie with Alex and Zasta while Jon does the drive from Calgary to Banff. Destination the Horny Inn – I mean the Big Horn Inn. We stayed here the last time we went through.

We’re not in the Party Room like last time cuz it’s booked but we have a great room with three beds. I’m falling off my face I’m so tired so I’m going to turn in.

The telephone is a lifeline. If I don’t hear that someone at home “believes in me” – I’m not going to make it through this. My issue with ambivalence is certainly a handicap – but it won’t kill me. My major issue is self-destruction. For many exciting and amazing reasons I want to blast myself into the ether with as many people watching me as possible. If I were to hear – “Leave you’re name and number and we’ll get back to you – beep.” And then “Do you accept the charges?” I wouldn’t make it. But she never sleeps. She waits for my call. Makes sure I’m okay and on track.

And I feel okay. I think I’m going to be even better tomorrow. I’m going to win this if it kills me. And I’ll be fucking dancing on my own grave if that happens. Does that make sense? Am I talking about my subconscious here? That stupid little fuck-prick! Whoa I’m tired.

I’m going to turn in. While Jon is still tapping on his comp.

Goodnight.

The Gods Of Now On Tour – Day 15

I’m a failure and a chump. I try my best to fuck it up. All the time. The only positive thing I have to say about this is I’m aware of my behavior and I’m starting to recognize the patterns. But doing something about it… That’s a different story.

I miss my home. It’s been a long time since I have ever said that – in fact – I’ve never said that before and meant it so much. I wake up and it’s about 12:30 pm. I hate the feeling of a wasted day. But I’ve had no choice. With what went down yesterday night and the drive to Edmonton, I’m done. What I need is a good stiff drink of Jack.

I get out of bed and I work.

I go down to the pool/waterslide/spa and take a dip. Not for very long though. I feel severed from life. And it’s not better as one hang up after another doesn’t have the result I’m looking for. It just casts me out into rougher and rougher seas.

There isn’t much I can do to make myself more of an easy target. I’m reckless. Far too reckless now. I can’t imagine that I’m safe from my inner fucker.

And I’m giving too much away. It’s clear. One brutal dial tone after another. In spite and in malice. Can’t you see I’m trying? Can’t you see this?

I call the club. The guy doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about and then he says if we were told that we were playing then that’s cool, it’s completely possible. He says if we want we can show up at around 7:30. Cool. Time for another quick swim.

We’re all very ubby today. Living too fast, these last few days I suppose.

We swim. Shower and get ready. Laura the clerk (a sweet farm-girl who’s built like a shit brick house!) is looking amazing with her new hair cut. We chat and then the rest of the Gods come down. We have a band.

I climb into the Banyion and turn the key. Their are lights. Strong ones. But the engine will NOT turn over! The Banyion is throwing a spoiled girlie fit because we haven’t given her the TLC she wants lately.

We try everything. Nothing. It will not turn over. We’re fucked. In my head I’m thinking starter. I remember that smell of burning plastic a little while ago. Could be serious – serious means expensive. Not good. I call CAA and they send a truck to boost the beast. Nothing. Silence in the furnace.

We call the club to tell them the problem. We ask if they could send a cargo van. The plan is we’d transfer the gear over and we’d go and play. The club starts to make calls looking for a truck. We are in truck land here. But we can’t use a pick-up. We need our stuff to be safe. We ask if there’s any PR done or if anyone is there. It’s just our friends we made at LeDuc. We’ll that’s a start – we want to play.
We all agree this is one of those things that a band MUST go through. The engine trouble that causes us to miss a gig. Damn, it sounds a lot better than it feels. We are just standing around in our stage gear itching to play (see vid).

We decide to go out for a drink at Moxie’s. We go in and say hello to everyone. All happy. Charlie, Holly and Cokey from LeDuc show up. They’re upset that we can’t play. Holly – thin, hot in heels, with a killer ass turns out to also be a mechanic! She tells me that she’s sure it’s the ignition but she doesn’t have the right tools. She says it’ll be intermittent until we fix it. We add even more people (Renatta, Pam, Jillian and Hayley) to our entourage and we walk over to Earl’s across the street.

A psychological devastating night for me. I feel drunk, dirty and lost. I feel like it’s 10 years ago. I feel like I’m finished. I feel like it’s just the beginning and hell is closer then heaven. I FEEL like this. But it isn’t like this. Here is what I’ve been looking for! I can feel like this as long as I KNOW reality isn’t like this. I’m fine. It’s not the end of the world yet and I’m still kicking ass. Somehow.

My eyes close with three faces looking down at me. I wonder if I could ever make them proud.

Good night.